A Priller blessing...

A few salvaged pictures...

2008-08-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah you guessed it.

Walmart found the pictures and they exposed the film during processing so we have very little pictures of the birth and the first few days. Yeah, I'm upset. On top of that the hospital pictures are not here yet and when we called , yep, there was a problem there too. We may be able to get a picture of the girls together from the hospital but that will probably be it. If I can get my hands on a cord to my camera I can get some more but, well that will take effort in searching the house and not that it isn't important, but you know it's like this..."it's on the list"...

On that note we ttok off Saturday to get some pictures and I skipped cleaning and cooking and bathing to catch up on the memory making. Oh, well it's just dirt right? Anneleise did not get her pictures done with the girls and for her birthday until Dad is back to work, she can't get away from him and anyone who separates the two, watch out!

I am struggling with getting a groove going, seems that the house hold chaos seems to always demand my attention, learning to ignore it. Yesterday went well in some areas, but there just isn't enough time. Problem with this dirt, dust and clutter is that I am about as close to a OCD person that I can get before being medicated...uggh. I can't give in though these little ones need me and so does Anneleise and the days are just flying by...really this Saturday they were a month 4 weeks old. yeah that causes some anxiety too, heck breathing causes me some anxiety lately.

We haven't fell off the earth yet...

2008-08-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Just a real quickie. We haven't fell off the earth yet.

We are fairing well, the girls Beka and Atty are keeping us very busy, the feeding is a real job but I am not complaining. Being their mother is a real true pleasure.

They of course were allergic to the high calorie formula so after a long night of belly aches and a morning of bloody diapers (yeah I flipped!) they switched them so now they are on soy but of course it has less calories so we are now having to challenge the girls bellys even more by getting all the feeds in and not having to add more volume. It is a science expieriment in it's self, so I won't go in to details, just saying it keeps us both very busy.

I hate to say it but by them being so tiny they look like they are growing so fast already.

I think knowing that these are our last ever babies, I am trying to absorb it all every minute, with Anneleise I think I tried but there was the grief of not having Aubrey that I thought I was there but I guess Iwas absent some times.

I took our film for developing, and of course they can't find it, they said it is there just give them a bit of time to find it...gotta love Walmart. They are a thorn in my side this week, you will have to see Whitney's World later this week for all my issues with Walmart.

Anneleise is just being the best Big sister ever. I have found it odd and funny that she seems to be very selective to Beka. Beka according to my family and Tom's looks very much like Aubrey did just before she was put on to the vent then ECMO. Personally I never got to see her until she was already so swollen and everything started falling apart that I can't really tell. So I wonder does she remember her, Anneleise that is? and is that why she favors Beka than Atty? We brought Beka home first so is that the deal? Atty's monitor has not really cause Anneleise any real issues other than once when it went off, but the other day she found a vcr cord and when I went to look at Atty I noticed that she laid it across her lap like her monitors cords were, so maybe that small monitor is keeping a bond form forming? Who knows, all I know is that she isdoing great, better than I ever expected. She turned 2 this week and we had a wee party yesterday for her, she had a great time and the girls sleep through the whole thing.

I love my girls. Every one of them, however everytime I walked by and saw those two sweet babies sleeping, I just wanted to crawl into bed with them...YAWN>.....

Life is so simple at times however, emotionally this week, strike that this last three weeks have been very emotionally complicated. In many ways it has been so good and I am aw struck with the blessings that I have, however, I am human and I do find myself earning for the love that I don't have, this is my Aubrey, especially as her angel days approached.

I can't not believe how rough I still feel from the section and my abdominal pain has only slightly improved since I was discharged, but the other night as I held the girls I cried like I haven't in a while...I'd do it all again, I'd risk it all for this. My daughters, they are worth every penny, every tear, every fear, every dream gone bad, every hope come true, they tested my faith, they challenged my health, my mind my marriage...but I'd do it all again.

I hope and wish that I can soon get some pictures up but honestly when a moment shows it self that we can take a nap or get a decent amount of sleep, I take it...so the plan is to have pictures and a camera cord this week and pictures up by this weekend.

We have appointment all this week, I finally get into the OB this week for a follow up from the section, yeah 2 weeks late but I only want to see the one and I had to wait. I wanted to go back to my high risk, she offered but the trip would have been a bit hard with all the kids and I really need to address some issues long term with my health with my locals, so I opted not too. The other reason is that I am very sad that our relationship is now over. She and her office was a great source of inspiration and strength, I think I morn the ideas that they really won't be part of Tom's and my life, especially after the last 4 years with them. Of course we will remain friends but we all know that the reality of that is seasonal cards and occasional email, a far cry from the last 4 years. They are one of many persons that through all our journeys have touched us and made our lives better and after time we reflect often on them, so in the end it really is never over.

The girls go to the pediatrician and the pulmonologist this week. Atty has been brady when she has bad feeds, but since changing the formula it has been better, Beka, honestly is really worrying me now she gets a little blue I think during sleep, she chokes so when she starts her feeds that I hope we are not aspirating. I look for her to end up on the monitor when we leave, Atty, well maybe another two weeks then she may be off. My hopes are that no one comes home with anything else. I don't really know what the answer is with the girls gut, they are a mess at this point, Beka has literally ulcers on her diaper rash from the copious amounts of diarrhea and Atty has stopped going except for the "blow out" once a day.

I can't wait to see if the girls make it through the week with nothing major, when we go to the pulmonologist and if the girls clear we may be able to get their pictures done the following week, if not I am going to get a photographer to come in and do them, I just got to get some good pictures before they grow anymore!

No place like home.

2008-08-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we are all home.

First Beka came home on the 25th then her sister Atty followed the next evening. Beka was greeted with a semi interested welcome from her big sister Anneleise. About two hours after Beka was home she recovered and seemed to do better , by the next day she was open and into holding her and loving on her. The 26th was a crazy day after our training for the monitors and the infant CPR and preemie care we got to bring Atty home on a monitor for her apnea or "suspected" apnea and eating troubles. Anneleise was in bed by the time we got home so when she woke up in the morning she came running into our room looking for Beka and was a bit wide eyed when she saw Atty.

It takes about one and half hours to just feed the two girls due to their immaturity, so we spend about all our waking hours feeding and cleaning up the girls after the feeds. Prayers that this soon improves for them are greatly welcomed, they do work so hard to eat. We noticed the other night they seemed to do better and were staying awake a little more after feedings which means that they are not using as much energy to eat and spare a little for socialization.

She said, "Oh, there she is...then pointed to Atty and said, Oh, there she is..." And that was about that. Anneleise said "two" then ran around like she was crazy yelling for "Blue Clues"

Since they have come home things have been to say the least very exhausting and crazy but it is our crazy and exhausting. Anneleise has not been feeling well with teething she just can't get her last two teeth to come in and they are driving the whole family nutty, but really giving her the what for.

I am very shocked and surprised how difficult my recovery this time around was, but I am older and repeat anything means double the healing so I guess it is to be expected, I just forgot to expect it.

I have to admit that I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions of this being our last pregnancy. These girls ending this era of our life.

I have a million and one post to edit and get up, there has been a lot in my mind going on and even more in my heart. A peek into Whitney's World blog will come alive soon, but I know that it will not be for the faint of heart.

I have found myself with this question..."What do you do when all you know is the fight of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss?" You may think that I kicked infertility butt because we have our girls. Blessed? Oh, deed I know how blessed we are, and I will for ever know this. But tonight I struggle with the reality that in the war of infertility, I may have won the battle but it was not with out causalities and loss.

There is a numbness that surrounds me getting off this ride of infertility, a numbness that I have ignored but just recently realized it stole memories and moments from Aubrey and Anneleise's pregnancy and infant days, and I will not let it steal another from these girls.

On that note, we are all doing well and we are just thrilled with Atty and Beka. They are such a joy and a pleasure to care for and love. I want to share everything with anyone who wants to share, but I need to saver the moments, they really so grow so much so fast.

I hope to get a reprieve and get some pictures developed this week and hope I can get another camera cord for my digital then I promise some pictures

Another quickie!

2008-08-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

Okay, I have some great pictures but no time, I am thinking that this could be the new theme to this blog.

The latest news is that Beka may come home Sunday, she will be 35 weeks. Atty, of course continues to fill her shoes and create a bite of excitement, she is doing fine and should be okay but has decided to challenge every traditional "preemie" obstacle at least once. Guess we know who she is going to take after.

The only snap in the plan this weekend we had to come home, Anneleise did not do well after our absence for 5 days coming to the hotel and staying there and she had even less interest and tolerance for the long days at the hospital. Not that I don't blame her, if I am not with the girls I don't really care to hang out there either. So we regrouped we are home and tracking down the road each day to be with the girls and get home to be with her in the evenings. She has done better and seems happier on a bigger picture, however this has been a tough week for her so some prayers for her tolerance and forgiveness and patience is in great need. Of course our little one are in need of some prayers that they transition well over the next days and we can soon all get under one roof, safely and in perfect timing that we can find a "groove".

Our pictures are so limited because of the girls being in the NICU A for the first days, it is for high needs and more sensitive babies and they really try to get us crazy folks from flashing and snapping, so now they they are in the NICU B we are able to get better pictures and more of them.

I hope you enjoy them and I hope to get better with the whole photo adding thing so that I can get more on faster!

A real quickie...

2008-07-31T19:13:00.000-07:00

The girls are here.

They are the most beautiful little beings I have seen other than my Aubrey and Anneleise. Yes I am partial, but they are adorable.

I am also very over whelmed, Anneleise is over whelmed, Tom is a walking Zombie and our nieces who are 18 and 12 are keeping our lives running right now, so that should tell you something.

They are dealing with the typical preemie obstacles...but doing very well considering some obstacles that we didn't even knew existed.

If i was a fortune teller I would tell me that Atty will be our handful, already she is a hand full. Her eyes stare into your soul. Our Beka, well I think she will be the silent sweet wrapping everyone around her finger kind. She has the cutest little grin. Anneleise...well, she is our funny happy loving sweet baby who gave the the love and courage to want, work and fight for Atty and Beka. Our dear forever baby Aubrey, well she is our reminder of the power of love, faith and that we can make it where ever we want to be and our love for her will never change.

Saturday to Sunday was tough, we held our twin girls Sunday morning...our life is good and we are at peace for our family. There have been some scarey moments but they are doing so well.

The girls are taking everything we have time wise and my section although went well is causing me much more physical complications this time around so be patient I promise I will get some good stuff up soon.

Drum roll please...

2008-07-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

It has been decided.

It is official, engraved items have been ordered.

Our girls will be called

Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee Priller (Beka)

and

Brennah Atlynd Brooke Priller (Atty)

Now that this has been decided, they may come when they are ready. This was hard this time, especially knowing that we will not get to have anymore children. Tom fought a good fight and frankly I did give in way more than I thought I would, however I do think he is taking advantage of the fact I am not feeling well and on a lot of medications. But in the end I am happy with the choices, I did so want Rowan and I really am not that on board with Brennah, but I think it will grow with me once I have a face to put with it.

What is up?

2008-07-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well the good thing is my liver values weren't so I got to stay home another day ~ yeah!

Now if I could get the itching under control.

We are off tot he doctors in the morning , an early appointment. Things have been insanely crazy here, we have had storms and everything that needed to get done is getting done today.

NOT!

Things that need to get done are getting done. Big difference.

I don't really know what is going on but the girls have been less active and things have been really different today. My cervix had began to shorten (for me) but was far from dilation as of our last visit, however I wouldn't be surprised if things are really different in the morning.

Maybe I am just hopeful at this point that it would happen in the morning. I really don't want the pregnancy to be over. Can you believe that I typed that?

But really I don't. I really wanted to saver this pregnancy and enjoy some of the fun things that come with having babies. I don't have any pictures of me pregnant really or really any mementos.

Strike that if the stretch marks and extra padding don't disappear then I do have a good bit of that!

I can't believe that Anneleise will have sisters (on earth) this weekend. That she will not be our only child in our house. That we did it. We are having two more little girls.

With all the stress and worry, I really did just simply forget that we are so blessed, down right lucky to have our girls, even more lucky to have had our angel, Aubrey has made us appreciate our girls 10 times fold.

Well, here is to another and the last doctor appointment of the pregnancy.

We need a lot of prayers.

Pray that the girls are healthy as can be for 33 weeks and 6 days. That our sugars even out quickly and pose no risks to them or me. Pray that I can handle the epidural, it works and I can mentally make it through the section. Pray that Anneleise , never thinks I don't love her and that she doesn't hate me for bring two siblings home. Pray that the girls get to come home in a timely manner with little or no intervention and medications. Pray that our family travels safely to and from the hospital, that they get to enjoy the birth. Pray that Tom can handle the load placed upon him. Pray that as he started his FMLA, we can financially survive until he goes back to work and we have no major disasters.

Pray that our babies are going to be healthy. No surprises.

I'm sure there are a million things I should be asking help for in prayer but those are what are consuming my thoughts right now so feel free to add to the list.

Waiting on results.

2008-07-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

Went to the docs this morning, waiting on the results, they will call in the morning. If things are good on my end we will go to the docs on Thursday and get all situated and delivery is Saturday at 9:30!

If things are getting hairy by the blood work then we go Tuesday, then there is sudden nature and my water breaks and we go before anyway.

The babies are looking good they say, I'm not, they didn't have to tell me that there is enough fluid to sink a boat on board...

Am I scared, oh yeah, am I ready I guess, better now than later, do I want to think about the next 4 days...na I wish I could just go off somewhere. But ah yes there are things to do like get my daughter well, yeah Anneleise has taken to a case of either poison ivy/oak or and athletes feet...ah, the trials of parenthood.

I'm getting really scared about the health of the girls and their conditions and then there is the whole section thing. I did okay with the girls last time but I feel so horrible now that I can't imagine surgery helping anything.

Pray for me and the babies, and Tom and please pray that the change isn't too much for Anneleise. Oh dear I just thought about her not being a only child after Saturday...how crazy is that?

I have wanted this for ever for us and for her, hope she is as appreciative.

Yet anothr update...

2008-07-14T13:40:00.001-07:00

Since I am typing this I'm sure you are able to come to the conclusion that I am not in the hospital in a coma.

I pay a very good high risk doctor and dang it, she knows her stuff. The fluid is better on both of the girls, baby "a" belly is looking a lot better she lost two weeks of measurements of the belly in 4 days. Baby "b" is doing well also.

We are going to continue the insulin on a sliding scale, rest and working on some pain management on the adhesion's for me, at best I can give another week, with divine intervention...two.

She has promised me that if I get to the 27th of July our 34th week she will call the hospital and end this uphill battle.

In order for this to happen my sugar and the girls fluid and sugar has to remain stable and there is always the chance that I go into labor and we can't stop it then that will be the day!

It's 12:40 am...

2008-07-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

do you know where your fetus's are?

Mine are hanging in here with me, driving me mad. Mad I tell you.

"A" it knocking to come out, and "b", well she just want to get her two cents in. Honestly, these two will probably need tethers to just make it out.

I'm going to the docs at 1:00 tomorrow, Not a moment too soon either, I am itching to death and they are hammering me with contractions.

Something has to give or I need to be induced...into a coma that is.

Another update, another plan.

2008-07-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm home.

I'm feeling really foul.

They took 100 cc's off baby "b", wanted to do the same for "a" but honestly I couldn't handle it, we had this done for Aubrey in our last pregnancy, however this time I guess with adhesion's and both of them having more fluid it was way more hurtful.

She was happy with the one, the fluid was clear and looked go. For about 4 hours it felt good, gave me some relieve, however I can feel it building up again already.

We are now on a sliding insulin scale. I am not very happy of this, and i just pray that my kidneys are not effected from all of this as well as my pancreas and liver. Yggh.

The girls looked good, very very active.

The new plan is to make it till Monday. Then we will see. There is talk, and I mean only talk that this week will be the week.

I don't want to get my hopes up and I do want the babies to be safe, but ohhhh how sweet it would be for them to move out...just the idea of it gives me a glimmer of hope.

It is getting very hard to get ready for them, the discomfort is 24 hours 7 dys a week now and frankly just functioning is all I can do, I don't feel like I am getting any bonding or preparation for them to arrive, makes me a bit sad. I just sit around alone while Tom entertains and keeps Anneleise busy, and seems the only talk about the babies is what is going on with their health and mine. The big whoop is going to the doctors and maybe tothe store, which ends up with me ditting in the car while Tom finishes the shopping. No normal fun pregnancy stuff this pregnancy either.

Guess some people get to celebrate a pregnancy and some just have their babies. Best case senerio this time arund is we get to have our babies. Really in the grand scheme of things that is all we wanted anyway, a little fun and excitement would help the stress of all this though.

Update.

2008-07-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sugar is higher now since on insulin. Belly is way whoo! bigger and tighter and the babies go thorugh periods of frantic activity then nothing.

Are you seeing a pattern yet? Well for those who are a bit slow let me help you. These babies need to come out.

After 2 hours of interrupted sleep last night we are on the way to the doctors this morning.

Who knows what has happens since Tuesday, what is happening today...Lord only knows what is in store.

Oh yeah, we need some prayers.

I really have a gut fear that there is something wrong with the babies that we don't know.

Paranoid? Hope so.

Tick tock...

2008-07-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah that is the sound that is resignating in my head as I type this.

Today, actually last night the straw that broke the camels back was laid upon me.

We went to the maternal fetal specialist early this am and as the title states...we are buying minutes.

Congratulate me, I can now add insulin dependant pregnancy induced insulin resistance diabetes to my resume of issues. New adhesion's thick enough to be seen via ultrasound, which is frightening in itself and two little babies who bellies can't not get any bigger and who's fluid (amino) is at the upper levels of safe i think 23 something that they can't empty their bladders well.

So here is the newest plan.

Pray to the Lord that we can make it to the 28th. This is like two weeks. I will be 34 weeks and there is basically a 90 % chance of survival among these births at this time period with few if any long term repercussions and delays. The over all hospital stay will be quite less than if we deliver this week.

I started insulin ~ NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS...but what is a mother to do? Please pray that this will help reduce the amount of fluid in the amino sacs or at best slowdown the production of the amino fluid. Please add in your prayers that my body is not over effected in a long term manner from this "temporary" treatment.

We started Indocine again. This is our last 48 hours to use this for fluid reduction and contractions. In the past is has helped each time the benefits are reduced we are hoping and praying to at least get 48 to 72 hours of calmness out of it, buying us almost another week.

I return on Friday the 11th. If the fluid is not any better or is worse we will began therapeutic amniocentesis. Pray that this is a last resort or a one time deal and that it does not bring on labor and or ruptured membranes.

Pray that our babies who are starting to feel the effects of all the meds and the cocktails to protect their immune systems, enhance the lung growth and the sugar does not allow our babies to be over large, unhealthy and please pray that we are not being dealt any unknown soft tissues defects.

Pray that I find the temperament , the patience and the strength to make it through this and have the strength and ability to recover quickly and care for the family I have struggled and worked so hard to have my whole life.

Pray that some how we can work it out that I can remain home with Anneleise until the delivery in a safe manner that me or the babies are not in jeopardy. I really am trying to get some special time with her but she has decided to choose this month to spread her wings, grow an attitude, become obsessively needy with her father and have an very distinctive opinion and idea of what she wants, she however still has chosen to only use verbal communication at her convenience...ugggh. My heart breaks because I love her so. I cried for three hours last night because she got her first butt whipping from me. She wouldn't look at me for about an hour. I felt like crap, she made me feel like crap but she really did need to get the reality check...this is the part of momma~hood that I could assign to someone else.

August the 1st is Tom's and I 10th Anniversary, if we would deliver we would be able to say that we completed our family after 11 years to the day of trying and loss. Through all of this, the loss of our Aubrey, the struggles and bitter sweetness of Anneleise, the tribulations and stress of these two girls...I already know that it was and has been worth every minute.

The 28th is Tom's birthday. I wouldn't really like for that to be the girls birthday too, however I think it would be just what Tom would want. He loves his girls...and too have two healthy babies laid in his arms on that day after our 11 years trying to get here...Wow.

Personally this weekend won't be soon enough, each moment is frighten, I have so much worry and concern that is almost consuming me, my weakness such as patience and dysfunction and non-multi tasked people are testing each and every morsel of my being.

For the record though..my doc and her staff has rocked, and I couldn't imagine being here with out them...so continue to keep them in your prayers for us as the are faced with new challenges each day with our pregnancy.

I pray also that we are given guidance with choosing our girls names, for some reason know that these are our lst we are having a hard time committing.

SO, there you have it. This is what crap when it hits the fan looks like when written on paper...just be thankful you don't have that Wonka vison screens and you'd have the smell we have....it isn't pleasant.

Kaboom.

2008-07-06T21:46:00.001-07:00

Rumor has it that is what the fourth of July sounded like.

Wouldn't know we were home in bed by 9 ish. Anneleise didn't like the fireworks and her and Tom came home and she was out like a light.

The girls didn't like the storm that washed through here this weekend they have been crazy and I have been contracting like crazy.

Oh, how I want them to be safe and healthy, but it is truly getting harder each day. I am trying not to think about it, however constant contractions are a reminder I can't over look. The terbutaline is getting my sugar so high and making me feel crappy at best.

I have to say to feel this bad I wonder truly if my babies are okay. I am starting to have a lot of anxiety over the condition of the girls. I hope and pray that it is all nothing and will be senseless worry on my part.

Prayers needed.

2008-07-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

Some for the babies, they are getting tight, really big thanks to the sugar, the meds and little to no activity and they still need a good three weeks to grow.

I go the next three Wednesdays. The last we will evaluate if we are still here. Here as in the cervix is still good, the blood pressure remains good, the sugar doesn't stop things like my kidneys from working, the girls continue to pass the biophysical and somewhere I hope my mental state can be entered into the equation. I am home still and will continue to work on that goal of staying home.

Some for me. I love them, I will fight to the end for them, but they are slowly ripping me apart.

Some for our life. Chaos in forward motion is a minor understatement. Way too much to do, so not enough time to do it in. Pray that I see the "what needs done" from the "wish was done" from the " should be done".

Pray that my lovely doctor find the continued strength to put up with me and my personality which on a good day is tolerable, on a bad day pathetic and in about another week will be relatively "wicked".

Someone should pray for Tom. Today Tom is the father to our children. That is all the billing he is getting. He needs some energy, strength and wisdom...mainly just enough of wisdom to say very little after about 6:00pm and nothing before 9:00 am. I do feel a bit for him, I have not felt well for almost 6 weeks now and really it is probably getting old.

Hey, I said I do feel a bit for him, I didn't say I felt sorry for him...I pray for him and for us and for my family...

The news of three weeks 21 day countdown did get things moving, Tom kicked it into gear and the nursery is so very close to getting done, we are really cramped for space but i am trying to keep a twin bed in the room for the first months until the girls sleep through the night. This is okay it just looks a little cluttered and I do seem to get annoyed with clutter so I need to let this go and just be happy with the success of one evening in the room working and his progress.

It is official, the names will be decided this weekend.

Update.

2008-06-29T20:46:00.001-07:00

I'm still pregnant.

I love my babies and will continue this fight to keep them in.

They, these girls are insanely active.

They are grounded until they are at least 12 years old.

Enough said.

No news is not good news.

2008-06-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

This is long, not nice and really shows probably the worse side of my personality so read with the idea of getting some entertainment out of it, and take heart that no matter what this pregnant hormonal fluid retentive bed rested women says....she would do anything for her children in or out of the uterus.

Okay my lovely high risk doctor takes the call from the home monitoring company at 2:00 am this morning because my contractions are rocking and they have maxed me out on the Trebutaline. They have no other options, what should we do? My pulse was 131 so no more of Trebutaline tonight.

She calls back, we were hoping to avoid this but I started the Procardia (a heart medication) because the option of Indocine is fading. Indocine makes you or at least me, feel like crapola...capital "C" but it does calm things. I think an Indocine could calm even the most hyper child in the world. Use of Indocine for very long, like 2 days can cause the hole in the babies heart (one that is supposed to be there until birth then it is to close) to close in utero. This would be very bad, also using it after like 31-32 weeks isn't recommended so Procardia has been added to the "be good uterus" cocktail.

The benefit is that the headache I got from the Indocine and the Mag was way worse and after a few days this one should die down...you know your body gives in and just stops fighting the effect of the medications.

As much as my frustration and concern is about the health of our girls, potential problems with my health I am equally upset of how today was handled, which in retrospect is not much different in the past except we are paddling uphill so to speak right now trying to buy some time and I feel our high risk doctor was done wrongly today too.

She was very and has been very compassionate about this concern, I really think that she was the most surprised to see this whole situation that occurred over the Memorial week being that we had no issues with me in the pregnancy itself with our first set of twins. Other than a very horrible birth defect taking our daughters life, the pregnancy was uneventful for twins and my age. Losing Aubrey is not something we take lightly, it is a huge issue in this pregnancy because of just the emotions of losing her itself, so when I say we really had no issues, I mean in the sense of getting them here in a safe and timely manner.

She suggested and requested that since I had not again rest for 24 hours, being tired isn't good either that we could avoid the 1 hour and 35 minute ride to and then back if we could see our local OB/GYN and they/us touch base with some answers and then go from there, her request were to have them check my cervical length, the girls fluid etc. There is a question again if I am, or was, "leaking fluid", I'm not ruptured because with the amount of fluid the girls have right now if I had a rupture one of the sacs, well it would be similar to one of the levees breaking in Iowa right now...sorry that was probably not the best thing I could have compared it too, however the cervix attached to this girls uterus is holding in a boat load of fluid!

We did as requested, they saw me right away.
They as in the the "one" I don't care for, the "one" that I have to say a prayer for before I see him, the "one" that I have to pray for myself control so I don't slap him stupid...err...stupidier, if that isn't a word it should be because he just gets dumber each visit.

I pee'd on a stick, I think she may have turned it over and looked before she tossed it, weighed me ~ gain of 4 pounds in three days (hello flag! we are poly amino I have only gain 11 to date until this week...took my blood pressure with the skinny person cuff on a pleasantly plump pregnant lady's arm.

He looked for my fluid sac vaginally, what the?...he said," it is intact"
I asked, "both are?"
I was told there is no real way of knowing with twins only by the first in line..."there is no dilation," so upon his educated evaluation...this is nothing, but stay on the drugs.

Then only by the grace of God did I not stroke out with a blood pressure issue be cause with a smirk...he acted like he was offering me some new wave techno device and solving all my problems by whipping out the hand doppler and saying, " Wanna hear the heartbeats"?

Upon the sound of a heartbeat he smiled and said " Awe, there is a healthy baby".

He moved it over about 4 inches and said "that one is healthy too..."
Again not being the ignorant hick he must think I am, I asked, "are these two different heart beats"?

I was told again by him again "it is just hard to tell." "You never really know....you know with twins."

This is really when I just wanted to slap the man off this earth.

Our daughter Aubrey's heart sounded perfect each and every time, matter of fact in utero she was amazingly healthy and active and responsive and the epitome of the perfect fetus...ah except that her heart was on the wrong side of her body, she only had a half of lung, her guts uterus included grew in her chest and she never grew a rectum...she had probably 100 ultrasound alone for just her and 3 MRI's and each time her condition worsened or they found something else, so only by ultrasound did we know where we were in the game plan to get her help...but enough of that back to today... yeah Professor Jerk I'll take "Awe, there is a healthy baby" to ease all my fear and concerns....honestly.

I really thought at this point Tom was going to step in and tell him that there is a way of knowing called ultrasound and since we pay all the bills and never owed them a penny maybe he could get out of his own way and get one done...I could see it in his face however I know for a fact it would not have came out in any manner close to that. He wants a new OB/GYN to deliver if we make it past 32 ~34 weeks. I want my high risk doctor or someone she refers I think.

Long story made longer...I left there called the High risk doctor and she fixed it all and I will see her Wednesday...yeah they actually asked me if that office had a ultrasound machine in the office, because we really needed to see if the cervix has shorten, if there was fluid in the canal, if the fluid was lower higher and then seen both reactive babies....so yeah doc holiday this is something that you can't do with an uncomfortable pelvic exam, therefore not only did you not respect the help your peer was offering ~ let me remind you of what she has been doing...you know avoiding a high risk delivery in a moments notice, taking all the midnight calls , all the bleeds and the hospital admissions, doing all the medicine paper , the FMLA paperwork and the home monitoring responsibility...ring a bell? You doc rubbed me the "momma" the wrong way.

I told the my high risk doctor "I guess they were conserving energy and didn't want to turn it on."

I love my regular OB/GYN but I never can get in to see him when we need him so I always meet up with this guy.

One of my biggest issues that these items were requested by her for her purpose, not a plot to get a much desired ultrasound peek of our babies that most normal women desire...yeah a peek would have made me feel at ease but face it is an ultrasound it is a quick fix, things can change in a minute so there is very little long term comfort from one, personally that is. Secondly, I question "Is his ego getting in the way of our babies safety"? Thirdly, he thinks or at least treats me like I am an idiot. For the record I am not an idiot but I am my own advocate and the only one my babies have until they are out and their father can share the load.

So there it is folks...the vent...the vent and the injustice. I have been praying for all day not to resort to name calling and childish ranting however...drugged sleepless and very bloated and really not liken many males ...what is a women in my shape to do?

Well, I'm going to bed. After all my only problem is I am pregnant! Him, well that I think is going to have to be someone else . Jerk.

Oh, yeah there is another post on my site, www.apeekintowhitneysworld.blogspot.com that I think should probably go here, however it too is a male bashing, hormonal end of my rope thought and really I think this one will take the ratings down on my site alone so I best spread the love.... By the way if you are wondering what we need help in....oh I would probably lean toward patience and silence and sudden acts of kindness.....oh yeah and two healthy babies. That is all.

I'm Late, I'm Late...

2008-06-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Much like the Mad Hatter in Alice and Wonderland, I have a million things that need finished and a million to start and very little time, money, help to do it in.

Umph.

Sorry about my luck? Yeah me too. This weekend has yet been another week of hard work keeping these two inside. Someone wants out, I think she may win.

If I can make it to next week I will be shocked. Today although I'm not supposed to be doing much I moved all over the house, I couldn't sit or lay still for very long. Never having true labor with the girls, I did have some pre term labor and know the difference but let me tell you ...these are the real thing, the real McCoy, genuine Bill Cosby's definition of labor pains.

I know I will still be here next week, there are too many people working on this project and more options we have resorted too to think we are at the end yet, however, there is a very ashamed side of me (the one experiencing all the pain from adhesion's, high amino fluid on both the girls, and sickness from the medications) that would like to just say "I'm done." "They have to be better off out than in , how can I feel so horrible and they still thrive and remain safe?"

With prayer and my previous experience in the NICU and medical field I know and will continue to fight to keep them where they need to be. I'm not kidding though, between 32 and 34 weeks if no one has shown their faces yet...they are getting served an eviction notice and it won't be the nice kind either...their placenta's and all are out on the curb!

I'm hoping that things calm, I have to go to the Dr's in the morning now due to all the activity tonight so maybe, my outlook will be revived and I could at least give the girls a week notice before booting their precious little bums out.

Get this...

2008-06-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

So this is it, the top picture in the yellow shirt is me the day before I gave birth to Aubrey and Anneleise. They were 37 weeks and 2 days/ Aubrey had way too much fluid, Anneleise has just barely to get buy till delivery.

The bottom picture, the green shirt is me at 28 weeks and 3 days. They both have more fluid than they should, we hope this will be resolved this week with some medications and of course...more bed rest! Whooaaaa! Being an over achiever by nature, I think I should go ahead and try to let this one go. I really can't imagine getting any bigger than I was with the girls , but with all the steroids and medication that I wasn't on the last time...these girls are going to be bigger so if for some reason I make it to 37 weeks and 2 days.....Whooaaa!

That's all I have to say on this topic.

A peek of the girls...

2008-06-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

As I have said, baby A is so very low and all bunched up that we hardly ever get to see much other than her ear and her rump...although cute we wish we could she her face like on baby B. So this is our best shots this week.

Whoot, Whoot! we are approaching 28 weeks! Prayers for 32 weeks will get us to deliver about one hour and half closer to home and healthy babies...although the care at Adventist was wonderful it is going to be hard to travel especially with the price of gas.

Our latest pictures!

2008-06-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Taking them for a spin.

2008-06-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Trying out these names for a few days.....

Rebekka Emmaleigh Rowan Priller (aka baby A)

and

Brennah Elizabeth Maycee Priller (aka baby B)

Any suggestions or ideas we haven't mentioned?

Pictures coming soon!

2008-06-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

I had a good appointment with the high risk doctor yesterday and I just wanted to let everyone know that he prayers are being heard, and things are doing well for the babies. I hope to update better and in more detail but for the moment we are just wiped out. Anneleise has gotten a horrible little virus that has had her very sick since Saturday and after a 16 hour ER visit she was admitted.

Ugh my Priller blessings....what can I say.

Everything is hanging the same with little bed rest over the last four days my blood pressure now is creeping and the contraction are stronger but they have reduced in number and the bleeding has stopped.

My kidney function has all but became manageable now to work on the out of control sugars and nausea.

They girls are 2.6 and 2.8 give or take a bit and very, very active. My doctor said, "my prayers for you are getting answered,but back on bed rest you hear!"

Again lets continue to hope and pray for the 31 week and that my "Toxoplasmosis" is negative. On Mothers day Anneleise gave me a horrible mess for Mothers Day and finger painted my bathroom wall with litter and had it everywhere, we both are being tested being that she has gotten so very sick over the last four days with an "unknown" virus. For me this could prove to bring more worry but at least it is known. Go figure.

Out baby "a" is so stubborn, so was Anneleise, we have hardly no pictures of her with Ultrasound, the tech has tried with these girls and no real luck all I know about her is that she has a cute ear, a chubby rump and has no trouble touching her toes!, of course I have amazing pictures of our baby "b".

Again, the financial stress of the the last week has used our monies up to prepare for the girls this week so hopefully there will be extras soon and as for names we are getting close.

Where on the map are we?

2008-05-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a two weeks for sure.

I am home. This is good. We have with medications and a home pump and monitor system got the contractions down to a minimal as of this morning. This alone is a reason for praise.

Since the contractions and the uterine irritability has improved over the last 24 hours so has the amount of medications that I have had to use so this too will over all help my sugar and my kidneys which the last two weeks have wrecked havoc on.

I go back to the local OB/GYN on Tuesday. The the high risk on Wednesday, we are thinking that they may cancel the Tuesday if the home nursing company continues to feel good about the girls activity and heart rates and the bleed continue to diminish and contractions stay at bay.

Yeah I know there are many factors that dictate each and every hour in our house right now.

Mentally I wasn't expecting this at this point, trying to still wrap my head around everything and in the mean time prepare for a premature birth.

Our prayer list is long and for many people who directly and indirectly are part of our care. Please if you can read over them and include us in your prayers.

Thank you to Carole who is just a great mom and person for checking on me as well as all our well wishers who left us messages. Knowing that your not alone is comforting.

~ Things we are Praying for~

Our short term goal is to remain pregnant this coming week making us 27 weeks on Friday. Ultimately asking that the Lord lets theses babies come into the world when it is best for them and me, he is the ultimate physician and he has a plan.

We hope for better kidney function and better sugar control, less uterine contractions and no more fever or amino leaks so that the babies can continue to grow safely in me.

Please pray that Tom, who is doing a great job, can continue to handle the stress and worry of the financial burden this has placed on us, that he can continue to work until the girls get here and keep the house at best running.

Pray that our daughter Anneliese continues to adjust, recovers from the flu/virus she woke up with this morning and in her heart knows that we love her son much that our absence and tension is not a reflection toward her.

Pray that our family and friends can again continue to help us physically with Anneliese's care and mine, that they find the strength and softness in their hearts not to feel burdened or annoyed by our needs.

Pray that the team of doctors on board can continue to monitor this pregnancy and keep me home until delivery, that they do not become discourage and listens in silence as the Lord works through them to help us.

Pray that the team of nurses at Hagerstown Hospital and Adventist Rockville as well as the Ambulance transport teams continue to do the wonderful caring jobs that they do and provided to me over the last weeks. Kind, gentle and compassionate care is not always an easy quality to come by and I was blessed with it all at all three places.

A special prayer for our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who has been incredibly kind and compassionate and personable with us through all out anxieties and stress and fear. May she continue to have the kind hand the wise mind and knowledge to get us to a safe place for the girls to arrive.

For now this our major concerns. Our ultimate goal is to make it to July 4th week. Any time past that would just be wonderful, and short of miraculous. We pray that ultimately we bring both of our girls home,, safe and healthy, that we as a family will be together with little separation and trauma. We pray that my health continue to improve and that my recovery will be short and non-complicated.

Our priorities have changed, but of course, and our goal this weekend to prepare for the girls arrival is to find their names and make our final decisions.

As painfully hard as this is and took for ever for Aubrey and Anneliese, we feel compelled to have them for certain so they are named at the birth just case of the outcomes, which we are trying to avoid thinking of.

We pray that the Lord does not have planned that we lose another of our babies.

Update for Whitney...

2008-05-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Whitney asked that I update all on the current situation. Monday, May 19th Whitney was admitted to the hospital for hemoraging and pre-term labor. She was taken via ambulance to Rockville, MD where she remains in the hospital on complete bedrest.

Whitney is 25 weeks pregnant today. All tests indicate the babies are fine but the contractions continued so they have put Whitney on a Tributalene (spelling?) pump among a multitude of other things to try and speed up the maturity of the babies.

The doctors believe the bleeding is coming from the not so old c-section incision in the uterus. As long as contractions stay at a minimum and bleeding stops she may be able to come home Sunday. She will remain on the pump and they will call her when her contractions increase so she knows to up the Tributalene.

Long story short...she needs to carry the babies at least 3 more weeks. So this is a request for additional prayer from all who may be praying for them.

Beth (Whitney's sister)

Good news!

2008-05-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

So far so good.

There was nothing detected with the girls hearts, the specialist got great views and saw everything he needed to very easily.

Huge relief. This is a minor understatement.

We saw the girls, they are very active, we are having contractions like crazy...I tell you I am sure that these two are going to be our "party" girls they move and wiggle none stop, love the camera already and I am ashamed to say since I have gotten pregnant with them I have struggled, fought and forced my self to avoid all my cravings which have been ...dark beer, cigs, gin and lime tonics, Maryland crabs.

I can taste the beer in the grocery store and normally I can't stand the smell of cig smoke even though I am a reformed smoker but it smells wonderful right now.

We are looking at the week of the August the 8th if we make it, wow!

I think I may take a few deep breaths and just start getting ready.

Prayers are needed though, we still have at least 11 weeks to go and as we know things can fall apart quickly, but then things can work out some times too.

I hope to get some better pictures soon, our tech was concentrating on organs and anatomy so there was little cute shots. Oh but one, they are both girls...for sure!

The plan.

2008-05-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well, the plan was over the last four weeks to hang tight, and wait for our ECHO appointment. According to this plan I have done just that. We go for the babies ECHO's in the morning.

I have gotten pretty good at this numb thing and I can hardly believe the time has gone by like it has. Ghee, have you checked out the numbers at the top of the screen lately?

I'm a bit panicky in the idea that we have such a small time to prepare for these two little girls arrival. Waiting for the other shoe to drop has defiantly left me behind and stressed.

If we make it through tomorrows appointment with no horrible news then for the most part I think we are doing really good and things are as positive as they can be. Upon that , the baby overdrive will commence.

I don't know if having twins has anything to do with this or not but I have been a cleaning friend over the last two weeks, so maybe you do nest early for multiples...uhm. All I know is that at this rate I will be exhausted when they get here.

I have been having a good deal of "adhesion" pain over the last two weeks. Regular OBGYN says things are fine, probably are but I'm glad I am seeing the babies tomorrow.

I haven't asked for many prayers as of lately, but we still need them, especially the babies and me. This journey has proven to be a little harder emotionally than I had imagined, it is all good, but I have had some unexpected emotions and the feeling of loneliness that I wasn't expecting.

Trying hard not to get excited and hopes up is the hardest, sucks really, but I feel like I have to live for the moment so to speak. It is getting harder as they grow and my love for them grows, I don't like the feeling of numbness I have allowed myself to have and I will work on that after the appointment this week.

The babies names...don't ask. Good news is that with much personal sacrifice and negotiation I have been able to eliminate three of Tom's faves...Heidi and Daphne and Veronica, not that they are bad ones they are just ones after weeks of repeating I just can't see one of our children fitting.

Latest favorites...
Rebekkah Elizabeth Rowan Priller
Ellaleigh Arden Jeanette Priller
Kennedy

I feel compelled to voice my prayer tonight.

"Lord in all your wisdom and knowledge please direct my thoughts and paths so that I be a better servant to you and through you find the strength in which you know I need. Forgive my distance as protection for my heart, because through you Lord I know that I am just another in the palm of your hand and you carry me at all times. Thank you Lord for all my blessings and these two precious gifts. Please Lord help me with my negative and fearful thoughts as they use and waste our time as well create mischief. Amen."

Yes, it really is that simple, just ask and he does provide.

I had a dream.

2008-04-23T18:44:00.001-07:00

Maybe this worked for Martin Luther King, however it is not working for me.

My dreams are very detailed, very exhausting and some times , well more than not, very disturbing.

Being of strong will, I won't let myself think and go places while awake so I think my mind has decided to kidnap my brain for the night shift.

I have dreamt everything from financial ruin, Tom leaving me, to there being two boys not two girls as they are telling us, to me dying after the birth. The there is the one where Anneleise takes the babies and flushes them down the toilet. This isn't really a dream after thinking of this for several days and watching her, I think this may be more of a premonition. I dreamt the other night that after the babies were born the next day I gained 100 pounds and was too tired and sick to care for the babies and Anneleise. I woke up to shortness of breath. I dreamt that I had to have back surgery and when I was waking up from the surgery they said we had one girl the other didn't survive. When I finally woke up my back was killing me.

So yeah for some the dreaming in pregnancy is great, enlightening, humorous...for me it is where fear resides, and things I don't think unimaginable , happen. So.

I have to sleep but I will have to allow myself to deal with unimaginable during the day light in hopes that the night life settles down.

this stinks because not many get the ideas that I get in my head, the worry and the fears I have. Everyone, well not everyone, but mostly everyone just thinks that I should be in prenatal bliss. I am, I just wished I could win the lottery, solve world hunger, fix the gas price war, end the whole world war and get my floors clean for more than an afternoon before the babies get here.

When we were plagued with one bad doctor visit after another and surrounded but nothing but bad news I felt that I had a great support system and everyone wanted to listen and help me through it, now that things are pretty much normal..."normal" as they call it, I feel very alone, even with Tom.

I have got to realize and experience some of the "normal" things that pregnant women go through, and when there is no flags, I think they are very isolated in a sense, especially in the light of what all happens to your mind, body and health during a pregnancy. So for those pregnant moms out there who hear a pin drop when they need to talk. Got it, get it, not really liking it, but what do we do now. Here is to us. I'm thinking that in the end I will discover that all the frustration and inner conversations with yourself during a pregnancy is what will make you scary and people tremble in your shadow during your labor, so all in all in the end, they will listen to you, it was their choice to wait till the last moment to hear 9 months worth.

The game.

2008-04-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Whoa, we both can add stamina to our list of traits that we have learnt since the conception and birth of our daughters...

Thinking that I was the stronger of the two of us, I forsake the love and devotion that Tom has as father to his children and the name game is really not even half as much fun as the last time we played it.

I think that I may win on Emmaleigh Rowan or Amelia Rowan or Eliza Rowan Jeanette, however I may have to slide and let Heidi in the mix somewhere.

In the grand scheme of things I don't have the stamina that I thought I had, i just want these two little girls to get here safe and sound. I want to end our pregnancy worries, nightmares, stress, financial exhorting. I feel like I can't even imagine what it will be like to have a tiny baby in my arms again, not to have to leave someone behind. I have some pictures of Anneleise and I , I have some memories but honestly it was all a blur...a bittersweet dream with some Shakespearean tragedies in the story. I can't remember where I have been sometimes. I look at Anneleise and I almost shocked she is mine.

The road to her and her sister was so long, so hard so endless. I am stronger this time, but stronger in a way that isn't good, I shouldn't be able to stare fear in the face and say boo!, to walk right into it with little respect but cower in the shadows of the new life I have inside of me right now.

I think it has happen, I have done all I can but it happened. I have fell in love with my daughters. I want them to have names, I am getting excited for their arrival, way so overwhelmed, but very excited.

Things are good, right?

2008-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well the office visit went well. We got to see some crazy pictures of our daughters. Yeap, there are two girls lurking in there causing all the havoc.

Baby "a" was opening her mouth and kicking her sister. Far different than our last pregnancy where our Baby "b" took over the womb, hey who's kidding my body too and ruled her sister. Baby "b" we got great pictures of her feet and hands, she is very active also, a bit more shy than "a". Baby "a"as of Friday has taken on a better position. Baby "b" is just hanging out, already very high up in my gut.

The visit wouldn't be a visit if there was not something to have us worried. So this is the newest cases with the girls.

Baby "b" has these "plexes, cycts like" things in her brain. Altough they are connected to Trisomy 18, they are often found when that alone is all that is seen. Her hands are open, her feet are fine, her nose and lips appear normal. The doctor said herself that two of her three children had the very same thing and they are fine. She did not recommend us doing any further testing at this point. She says she is not concerned at this point of our pregnancy. Baby"b" pee'd, we watched it , sorta cool.

Baby "a" is looking good, have to say that some of the pictures we got were a little scary, although they looked so different on the actual screen, she just wouldn't stay still. Our worry for her is fluid on the right kidney.

Both bellies of the girls are a tad larger than other measurements, however both are same. We are considering the chances of pregnancy indueced diabetes. Lovely.

So they gave me procardia 10mg for preterm labor, I am contracting, nothing cervix changing and not 6 an hour which is what they use as Gold's Rule, but they are present. The ol' cervix was doing good. I have gotten the meds filled for an emergency,however I am just trying to take it a little easier until the next visit on the 14th of May for the echo of thier hearts.

We go to the general OB on the 30th of this month.

So I got some pictures, will try to get them up. Over all Friday was my 39th birthday and it couldn't been better.

Please keep praying for our girls, and throw a few in for Tom and I too if you can spare them.

Holding on.

2008-04-06T19:18:00.001-07:00

Feeling crappy. Not much better, I will call the doctors in the morning and at least ask if I should worry even though I will anyway.

The baby name game is not going well, he is holding back to I eliminate some of my names, but ahhh, I will wait until he gives me at least two more of his.

Nobody likes Charleigh. Sounds like a boy. Whatever.

When I was a child everyone though I was a boy. Whitney Leigh.

I sorta liked it, I got the chance to show myself for who I was, I wasn't pre~idea. Nope there was very little pink in this girl. However I had long very long hair and always had pig tails until my mother got tired of doing them and me yelling that they hurt because she pulled too hard and then gave me the famous Dorthy Hamil hairs cut aka. bowl cut.

Then the who are you a boy or a girl started until the bumps arrived and then it was a pretty much closed deal and I got to turn the smarty table and respond..."duh, are you blind?"

Feeling bad...not sad, bad.

2008-04-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling well today, more like this evening. I have not felt really well for two days now. I would tell someone if I could explain it...

It isn't the flu, I know this, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was going to start my period.

I doubt this is good, but I know if I call the doctors on the weekend I will get first the answering service and I will go through the whole what it feels like, then the return call reminding me if it is something there is noting they can do at this stage of the pregnancy but if I begin to bleed to death give them a call, or they will tell me it is a virus and to go to bed with my feet elevated.

Sigh.

I will probably just worry all night and maybe fall to sleep. I will have to get some prayers in, can you guys do the same?

Did is mention, sigh?

Two in one week??

2008-04-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

What's up?

Yeah I go weeks with nothing, well there was a lot to write about, but frankly, I hate to think even more write ahead of myself with our history. Two steps forward in the past definitely paves three backwards. But that was then, and these babies are all of their own. So.

If all continues to go well we are two days short of being half way through the pregnancy.

Gulp. Err. Crap. I mean crap in a good way, like Holy Cow!

I have tried to restrain myself from getting my giddy self up but it is starting to show it's self so I think I must cave in and start enjoying where we are in the pregnancy and planning and hoping for a bright future.

One that note I took out the "3". It has been a joke, source of arguments etc, in our house for years. The "3" is the three baby name books that I have read, re-read, marked, highlighted, written over, folded the corners...well, you get the idea.

I used to start with the first pregnancy test. Since 13 miscarriages, we have waited to at least heart beats. After our last pregnancy, I am reluctant but anxious to get this started.

"How hard is it really?"

Picking our girls names out was the most very hardest thing. I wanted so much, but I really wanted to see them first. I am lucky that Tom is very active in our pregnancy and in the things like buying the babies things and the room. What has become unfortunate for me is he is very involved with their names too.

After only hashing this out a hour, I ended the conversation thinking, I really could care a less if theses babies have a father. Well, I know this sounds bad and I really don't feel that way but honestly he is so old school with things like names.

If it doesn't ooze pink he doesn't like it, then there is a the whole rhyming game. He rhymes it, if it rhymes to something stupid or bad it is out.

Then there are the names that I think sound like porno names. I don't do porno, so I an only guessing, but I don't want to take that chance.

So we have commenced the baby name triathlon. The first round which is about 3 -4 weeks long is everything we ever liked. We may have known someone, heard it at work, ate a dish called this...you never know what will perk our ears up. It ends with each of our tops, throwing out each of our no~ways. I have to say that there have been a few that I was like no way but after hearing it a while was able to pass it on to the next step. We are not reality tv people, but this is very idolish.

The second round can last well close to delivery, this is where we hash out first, middle etc. . It can get ugly, feelings can get hurt, but hey it is our babies name. They will have to use that name to get jobs, married, become moms...it is important.

The third round in the last pregnancy was quick. I became very focused on just staying pregnant and preparing many people for the possibility of what was to come that I really was like, "I don't care what we call them I just want them to live!"

I have however informed Tom tonight that this time around I have stamina, experience and I am able to focus more on this this time so don't slack or I will prevail. Slacking being his strongest quality, I am counting on winning this triathlon in all events. First names, middle names and well, he sorta get credit for the Last.

So in today's round here are the results:

Tom's choice's ~ Heidi and Rebeca My choice's ~ Charliegh and Georgia and Charlotte

Prayers are still needed we still have two babies who are working on growing and becoming healthy and strong. I have been very nervous and a bit, err really crabby at times so he could use some help with patience with me I'm sure. I just really want the strength and knowledge to be a better mom to Anneleise and these little ones. I do try to make the days fly by but I do think about them and love them so.

Black and White labeled appointment!

2008-04-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, if anyone is wondering what is with the title, and has never had the pleasure of saving, scrapping the buckets for fertility money treatment, I'll let you in on the secret. Black and white labels on food usually means "generic". As in nothing flashy and everything removed and not an option other than the beans in the can.

You ask, "Why the bean talk when we are waiting on the appointment update?"

Because I am trying to be polite and tell you that it was a freaking beans in a can appointment!

Honestly. Okay, not really beans in a can, more like pee on a stick. That is it. I have two (I am guessing) babies in my belly and I have yet in that office heard only one. They put that doppler in the same place (probably where most babies are at 16.5 weeks, listen and smile) They have never moved it around or even attempted to find something different. Little flustered, are you feeling it?

I'm sure that on the next appointment I am going to rip the doppler out of his hand and tell him I 'll find it myself.

So in short, I am only slightly fatter than I was since my last weigh in. 3 pounds this pregnancy so far...I'm sure there is more where that came from. My pee is perfect, the blood pressure is very normal, belly measuring off, but then these babies and the ol' uterus has taken up growing horizontally not vertically so I'm getting wide not round and bumpy ( I'm not beep , beep, beep when I walk past you yet wide, but I will defiantly get your attention in about 4 months wide).

I guess because he either has a wealth of knowledge behind him or he has super hero xray vision, he assured me that there was nothing to worry about with the extra fluid sac in baby "b"'s sac, although I expressed concern and pointed out that there is a larger bump in that area and I do have the "adhesion" type pain there.

So 8 minutes later, $20.00's and a appointment card for April the 30th we are home, all of use, I guess.

I go on the 11th to the Fetal specialist. Yeah us. We get good ultrasounds there and I don't even have to have a stroke or something like it to get one!

I really just wanted to smack him in the forehead and call him a wiener. I didn't though, I thought that would not be good if the doctor that we want to deliver us isn't in that week and he would be up that week so, in the best intrest of future pain control and the safteyof our unborn children...I let it go....for now.

For the record though. Male doctors should not be allowed to be specialist of female issues including birth, pregnancy and sex, unless they have ~

1. sprouted ovaries and they function for at least one year with full blown PMS cycles through all four seasons.

2. Haven't at least carried one pregnancy to term.

3. Aren't involved with someone who feels sex is what makes the world go round.

4. Oh yeah, they have to gain at least half of what they eat even after 8 hours a week exercise no matter what.

5. And finally if they fulfill all of these listed they have to remain blind folded for 6 months while someone who they really don't know takes care and over sees their most valuable possession.

Wiener!

Not a lot going on...good I think?

2008-03-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

Well, for the first time in 10 almost 11 years I am pregnant and there is really nothing going on. The adhesion's that I have had over the years of surgery and our last section are starting to tear, not fun, this does create some concern for me. Last time I had to use medications it was so bad, this time I am just sort of working through it. It does involve getting irritable and crabby and having to lay down a bit more than I have time for, but I am really trying to go with no medications at all this pregnancy. The sharp pains and lingering soreness does strike panic in me though. I have picked the phone up three times since last night to call and ask "do you think this is okay?", but put it down all three times, because I know it is probably the adhesion's. I really wish that I could feel the babies move by now, there are moments but with the adhesion's and the continued numbness from the last surgery...I doubt I will fill them anytime soon.

We go to the doctors this coming Tuesday. Seems like for ever, it is the whimpy one, the weigh, pee, measure, that will be twenty bucks please doctor. We don't go to the ultrasound doctor until the 11th. It is my birthday and what a great present that will be...if all is still well. On my birthday two years ago we confirmed Aubrey's condition, well two days before but it pretty much changed that days for ever.

I'm starting to get a bit freaked out that we will be bringing two babies home. I think that survival thing in me was telling me wait and see, and you lucky if you get one... I think I am really starting to believe this is going to happen...

The money part of having three children under two is getting a little scary, we will do it, we always manage but it is a bit scary too. Once you have one, the reality of what goes with a child comes into play far before all the ooohhhh and ahhhhs, for us at least.

So here is to a very uneventful month, other than some bloating...ahhh, gotta love those pregnancy fluid retentive days....

I notice that I didn't put on here what we are in need of prayer wise...well, we need prayers that theses two babies get here safely, that I can continue to go medication free, that we are able to persuade Anneleise that siblings are good, and we are able to remain financially stable as we prepare for the babies arrival. You asked.

2008-03-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

Here is our maybe lil' girl!

She is all laid back enjoying her space, ought to, she has it all!

We love her even if she is hogging all the space, they are leaning to girl...I'm holding out...as long as this lil' one is healthy...we will take a girl or a boy.

2008-03-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Update picture of our lil' girl!

She is in the tightest place imaginable.

It's a good thing she is cute, after all the scare she is giving me...

All in the day of a miracle!

2008-03-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

Just by the title of the post, can you hardly imagine it?

We can't, but will take it!

Our visit was the best ever. The doctor came in to the room with tears in her eyes, I thought to myself, Oh, NO. Here we go. But she instead just gave me a huge hug and said, "Call it what you want but everything is perfect."

We have two brains, hold the fluid. Two everything except for hands and feet and fingers and toes. Everything is where it was to be and to their surprised they were able to get great pictures of the hearts and there are four chambers each, and good flow. No signs of heart problems yet. They saw the three veins in the cords and out of the placenta to the babies.

They also discovered that in fact we could have possibly had a set of identical twins in the making the due to a "fluid" sac seen again since conception, it was originally seen the first weeks of our IVF however it shrank and we didn't think again of it. It has now grown and though could cause an issue later down the road is not a issue now. Today the moment is where we live so we are taking that. My head did spin in the thoughts that we would have had triplets, and I really was going to put three eggs back but at the last minute went with two because the doctor was very clear of the possibility that the two were in good shape and could in fact split.

The other discovery is that the placentas have appeared to stuck together, rather they have completely fused we don't know but will have more on that at our next level 2 ultrasound on April, 11th. Kick in the pants is that is my birth day and the week that we got the definite diagnosis on Aubrey.

We are going to get echo's on the babies in May also.

I don't know where this will take us, but I do know that the Lord fixed this issue with the nuchal cord. It is now normal and they both looked amazing.

The greatest gift we received today was that our hope was restored and it couldn't have come a minute to soon.

The other bit of info we received is that we know for sure that baby a is a girl from the CVS done three weeks ago, but she is taking a guess and leaning towards girl for baby b also!

What do we think of two girls...we haven't stop smiling!

Pictures will be coming soon of the babies. Baby a is just where Anneleise was and baby b is laying just like Aubrey. It was very dejavue today.

~just a thought...but is spell check down again?...it's saying no spelling errors but some words just don't look right.~

Another long night.

2008-03-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yep! It's that time again, a doctors appointment in the morning. Part of me is so excited to see them again, then the other part of me is will they see what the problem is with our baby girl ~ a.

Just like in the past, I should be full of joy, after all there is baby b. But as repeated in history, bittersweet is only good for chocolate.

So I have not gotten more than 3-4 hours of sleep over the past two weeks due to nightmares. One night was the baby didn't have a brain, the other was no kidneys, the other was only one vein in the cord and brain injury... after i try to go back to sleep I just can't, I'm really just too upset. Right now I am so tired I feel sick and weak.

I pray that the appointment in the morning will help much of this, the other shoe goes ahead and drop if it needs too and I can get to a place in the pregnancy where for a short while I can sleep and embrace this miracle, our pregnancy and our babies.

And by the way , yes we need a lot of prayers for the babies.

The hokey pokey...

2008-03-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

That's what it's all about...

Well for right now that is. Yeah, I know for sure I felt a baby move tonight. I was getting all giddy about the results of Project Runway, the mist of the movie on Life Time "The Good Witch" and George Lopez and there it was.

I was waiting to see if I could feel two separate movements...I can't say that I did, but then half of my stomach is still numb from my section 2 years ago, so I will remain hopeful that all is well in there, and I felt one move because it was trying to get away from the other!

I smiled for the first time in a week I think, I have of course caught another cold and have spent many nights coughing and sneezing. No one will ever convince me that I have a incompetent cervix that is for sure, if those two little ones are still there after this cold, then they are staying in there!

By the way we don't know anything about baby "b", we didn't have to do the testing as of yet but we do know from the cvs that "a" is a girl. Yeah, that was one of the other last times I smiled.

Clocks ticking, 7 days from tomorrow to we see them again...what will I do with the time...?

By the way if anyone has been wondering if they can help us in any way. Pray for the babies that they make through this and that I can give them whatthey need while I carry them and as I raise them. Just pray,pray, pray.

Christmas list?

2008-03-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

Is it too early to start a Christmas list?

See usually we start very early saving and buying those great bargains, but since the girls and this pregnancy...ugh, we will be modifying Christmas this year.

The real purpose of this post, this thought?

Hint.

I want a ultrasound machine for Christmas...Christmas in July...Christmas this week!

I really do have an addiction to ultrasounds. I guess most women do since I have been asking around.

It just hit me...this is normal...Oh, my I am normal!

Still good news...

2008-02-29T18:52:00.001-08:00

Good news today, unexpected but couldn't have came at a better time.

So today we got a call from the genetics specialist in the office we go to and as of now all results since the preliminary FISH are negative and normal findings.

Are we off the hook so to speak, yeah sort of in a degenerative way. When there are no chromosomal abnormalities involved with birth defects and issues like that there does seem to be a host of alternative options and more aggressive care to continue and remain hopeful for the pregnancy. Do I agree with the idea that if our children have a chromosomal/genetic disorder that we should accept less? No. I would have found somewhere, like I did for Aubrey to at least fight...try...habor hope till the answers were clear.

This is very complicated to explain, and I'm sure many would not agree, however...your life stands still until you know about these things. Although in your mind and heart you are on the same path with the hope and desire for the same outcome...the truth is that there are crossroads that you come to in pregnancy after a loss, any loss, that you just stand still and do anything from scratch your head to pray to inflict numbness so that you don't allow yourself to wonder prematurely down a path.

I once told someone that our pregnancies were a lot like having a treasured classic car.

Cherished, aged, well cared for, respected, handled with kid gloves, wouldn't trade it in for anything...but you hold your breath each morning you go out to start it to head off to work.

So with all the good news over the last week, I know in my heart that the Lord has touched our babies and is working with them...selfishly, yeah I have sighed a breath of relief. Truth. Reality. It has been a week since I have seen them, those little hearts a bumping along...I do hope and pray that they both are doing well after the invasive procedure and week marathon of stress on them. There is still the nuchal of 5 mm.

As to with this we will deal as it unfolds...ahhhh.

I was thinking the other day, "How far would I have to go back to be so naive about pregnancy and conception?"

12 Years.

Wow!

Good news and no news...

2008-02-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

Short but sweet, I will post later.

There is no Trisomy 13, 18 or Downs.

Waiting on Turners Syndrome and De George's Syndrome.

There was a distinctive nose bone present , a good thing so they are leaning towards heart defect and then there is the hydrops, CDH issue.

Lesson here is with my age, my pregnancy and infertility history and previous pregnancy...we will never have normal, we may end up with normal but we will never know normal...so I must stop imagining normal in my dreams. We are going through the entire pregnancy under a microscope so we best hold on tight because we have all but been promised a bumpy, rocky tough road ahead.

The general thought of my frame of mind is that I'm good, in a much better place then last Friday, especially Monday, however once your foundation has been fractured..this happened with the death of our daughter a year and half ago...it doesn't take much to rattle the walls again. I just didn't realize how fragile my foundation was...physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So there may be periods of insanity and babble, I will at times lick my wounds. I know this one thing. In our last pregnancy I was the strength and courage for many...I shorted myself of emotions that I was entitled to as Aubrey Evangelene Grace's mother, I robbed Sarah Anneleise Klaire of moments that I could treasure for a live time...I will never be that person again...

There are times and moments in a persons life when you are to be brave, strong, courageous...set an example. Then there are times when friends and family should be this for you and allow you to be broken.

Momentarily broken is good, it's therapeutic and it healing.

And insight on the whole infertility,pregnancy loss and infant loss...there are no Oscar awards for the person who grieves the best, puts on the best front, becomes the humanitarian of the year...there is nothing but membership dues...and they are high.

There are no magic formula to how much pain and agony a person is entitled to...some will occur once in a life time, some their whole life through. The only statue of limitations is the amount of time a worried, scared grieving mother has to "get it out of her system" and get back in the game.

This road. It's tough, it's scary, it's not much fun, but with the right support and a honest heart and clear mind..it is all worth it in the end...

Tomorrow, the best day of my life, thus far...

2008-02-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow. For only 24 hours I'm sure it will fly by like lighting.

Tomorrow I will be pregnant with twins and thinking of them both coming home to our house, being little brothers or sisters to Anneleise.

I will cherish tomorrow because although tainted with fear and anxiety and heart ache it will be the most innocent day of my pregnancy. I want tomorrow to never end...I don't want to hear how very sick or deformed my child is, rather they are incompatible to life, that they will be profound in many areas of their life...I don't want to have anymore bittersweet in my life.

I love my children, both of them, I have prayed for them for 10years, specifically for theses babies for 18months. I truly just can't bare to imagine the thoughts of this test findings...

What will happen if another child of mine is not found needing of a miracle and healed of it's afflictions? Would it be because I didn't ask enough, pray enough?

As much as I don't want this day to end, I can't go another day loving another child that will never know me, my love for them, to feel the warmth of their head against mine.

Just two and half short years ago I sit here waiting for the truck to hit me head on as I stared my eyes stuck into the headlights. Honestly, I really didn't ever think that I would go this road again..nobody signs up for it, but I really didn't think this would happen to me.

You know, you may think that I am feeling sorry for myself and today I am, sorta. But really I think that I am grieving, the joy of this pregnancy, the hope that is being lost again. To lose a child once you know that you lose more than the child,you lose a piece of you that you would have given them...the piece that would have been nurtured. After Tuesday, as these babies mother, it can't be about me me. Mom's get a very limited time to grief, when there is a twin that survives...the time is even shortened. Life becomes so bittersweet that you remind yourself daily of joy, and hide your grief. After all how can I be sad? I have a baby...one survived...at least... Not many have ever said it ,but you know I do it, I find the silver lining for people all the time. I'm going to stop that , it just as bad as telling tells. I robs some one of their feelings.

Pregnacy and lighting...similar or different?

2008-02-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

We'll what I imagined to be a wonderful day has played out much like the day we found out our daughter had a fatal form of CDH almost 2 years to the day. I feel really quit stupid right now to think that we would make it through another pregnancy with out heart wrenching agony.

Until Tuesday we don't know but today I had to have a CVS test done on baby "a", things are not looking good for this blessing of ours. At best this was a false impression and will redefine it self as the pregnancy continues, if what they think is going on is ...our best hope is Down's Syndrome with a heart defect which isn't the best but in the list of things it can be if not a false image...it is.

I really just can't even think of what I feel right now. Can't figure out who I am angry at, I guess because there is no one...I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, I can't believe this is happening to us... and another child. I love theses babies and I want theses babies so badly, but at the moment I wish I could just take them out and set them somewhere while I just ran away.

Who says lighting doesn't strike twice in the same place...right...I has found my heart again, I'm just so broken right now...scared and I don't really know if I want the results. I feel like my hopes and dreams have never much mattered in the outcome of anything in my life and the Lord does use me a lot in his lessons, but I don't want to be brave and strong anymore...I just want my babies here normal and healthy...who'd though that was just an impossible dream.

Imagine this.

2008-02-21T19:26:00.001-08:00

Can you guess, come on, I know you got it in you...

It's already snowing, it's sleeting in addition. It's 10:26 pm and it was to start at midnight, so there is a two hour head start on plans to ruin what was to be a wonderful and exciting day for us and the babies...

Rats.

I have hope though that the storm will just stall (sorry Southerners) and when the appointment is over and we are over the mountain ridge...it comes at us with all it's got and we just get snowed in for the weekend. But, at last, mother nature decides to get involved in my infertile life and is throwing us a party tonight so it is looking slim or nothing that we will make it to the appointment in the morning. Yeah. Did I mention that slim just walked out the door?

I don't want to lose electric. It's too cold for that...but telephone and err, TV...ahh how grand would that be.

I am beginning to think that we will not get an ultrasound anytime soon, seems like every appointment there is a change of plans...errrrr. By the time we get one they will be able to tell the sex...double errr. I don't want to find out, I want that true real surprise that you get at birth. Tom doesn't get this. I try to tell him that after IVF and all the years of fertility treatments and calenders and militant living, this would be the first true ultimate shocker and surprise (good one that is) we have ever had. I'm hormonal, going through Internet withdrawal and frankly spent way too much money at the store tonight in the "snow" frenzy of the year and have nothing to eat...double rats!

Time delay.

2008-02-20T11:49:00.001-08:00

Our computer has been bothered. At best those are the words I can come up with.

We know almost nothing morethan before the appointment other than i have lost 2 pounds and my blood pressure and sugar are okay...big deal I want pictures!

I could have fired the doctor today but his theory is sorta right so I'll let this go and we will have to wait...yeah, I said wait till Friday. Jerks.

So assuming that we are not attacked again and a host cyber nut balls don't lock up computer again...I will be posting on Friday and I will have pictures if not of our babies then the picture of the bloody nose of the person who tells me NO!

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

2008-02-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

I have made it, no big hurdle other than the fact that I go tommorrow at 9:30 am to see if the babies are okay.

Honestly I can't even wrap my head around how the women in the circa 1800~1900's did it. I guess if that was all they knew, then that was all they had. In our last pregnancy we saw the babies every week sometimes twice. This is really so different, and hard. Strike that it is almost cruel.

Everyone was sick in the house last night, I was sick due to nerves and the pregnancy so I didn't make it to church today. I really needed that too.

I have worked so hard to become numb theses last three weeks that I have been sort of like a zombie. I forgot to pay the water bill and the electric bill and I forgot to get anyone anything for Valentines Day. I have just been trying to stay distrcted and not watch the calendar. It actually worked, however I upon reflection last night realized that I also avoided to work on my relationship with the Lord over the last week. That's wrong. Guess I sort of hid my head in the sand so to speak to make it to Monday, however I lost out on some vaulable times with my family and the Lord...lesson here...live each day as you are to live...lean on the Lord to get you through and in the end you will be all the same if not better.

UUUggghhhhh. Wouldn't you think after all my years that somewhere I would start learning these lessons only once?

Well, if anyone wants to know what they can do for me and the babies...yep. Pray.

The appointment is at 9:30 am. After some phone calls to family who are already talking about the appointment...I will make sure I post.

Please Lord calm my nerves, sooth my soul, strengthen my heart...let me bond with theses babies and stop avoiding my love for them. Lord, I know through you Lord all things are possible, you are the ultimate physician and in your perfect time and will your will be done, Lord help me not only learn this but know and trust in all you do... In your name a nervous greiving mother.

Hello darling(s)...

2008-02-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

Just like the ol' country song says....

Hello darling(s) it's been a long time...
since I've seen you.

Yup that is what I'm doing...thinking of ways to just see these little ones.

Yup sick isn't it?

Yup, that is what I will be doing all day tommorrow.

Yup, we still need the prayers...maybe me more than them.

I've got it!

2008-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

Okay this is a self diagnosis here but I just know that I have it.

OCUSD

What is it?

Obsessive Compulsive Ultra Sound Disorder.

You laugh...I wish I was.

Like a druggie surfingthe parking lots, I have found 100 reasons why I should just call the doctors and get one, I need a peek in my uterus.

If the whole "test tube" baby thing was really that simple. My babies in a tube, clear glass where I could sit for hours on ends and watch cells divide and hearts beats....ahh :).

Okay, I have admitted it...it is my uterus and I want to know what is going on in there! I just need to know that they both are okay, that everyone is accounted for. If I was a duck I would have whiplash by now getting up and checking my eggs, counting them, moving them etc then sitting back down to only turn around and do it again. The first trimester is probably natures way of giving our babies the well deserved break they need, I would probaly bother them to the end.

It has been our goal to have less invasive exams in the first trimester due to the history, which meant less ultrasounds. I don't know what I was doing that day when I jumped on the "I want to treat this pregnancy like it is normal train." "Lets not look for problems yet." Someone should have reminded me that the pregnancy may be normal but the mother is ...well, err, NOT!

The roads are covered in snow...calling for ice. Don't want to lose the eletric and people have injuries but some ice would at least remove the idea of getting one tommorrow...then there is Valentines Day~ Whole nother post...

Hanging out..err...in.

2008-02-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm here at the house just hanging out, inside,isolated and bored. Well worrying is quite time consuming however gets boring.

Everyone in our house is passing the flu, cold whatever it is around. I really did all I could to not get it, but have and have of course kept it the longest.

I really didn't need this, it just adds worry to my mind. We don't go back to any doctors until the 18th of Feburary. Good because each trip is abut 30.00 in gas and 35.00 copay, but honestly I would pay it everyday to just see those hearts beating....uggh. I don't know if I can make it two more weeks.

Iam very anxious for this pregnacy to get past that first trimester point and even more anxious to get to that moving around point, then you have some kind of knowledge things are at best...going.

The plan is to go in on the 22nd for the first of the scans for birth defects. Lovely. I remember these weeks not so long ago. I have been praying that this pregnacy remains so uneventful and all my concern will be fruitless.

I haven't posted much because really there is nothing to post. I have of course all my hopes and dreams about this pregnacy but I can't bare to share them yet, so I have been trying to concentrate on fellowship and prayer.

This is where you ask, "is there anything I can do?" and this is where I say,"Pray, pray for two healthy babies and a healthy mom (me)."

I would like to say that I plan on posting again soon, but really, I can almost hear the minutes ticking in my head. It is unremarkable how when I have a list of things a mile long that need attending to the day is not nearly long enough...but since the moment I have found out that I am pregnant...I feel like I am in the Matrix movie, the scene where everything moves like super sonic speed in reverse.

I really don't like wishing my days away, especially with this pregnacy, I want to embrace each day and have joy...maybe you could add some of that into the prayers too, that I can find the courage to relax and embrace the days with this pregnacy. Looking back, some of my best memeories were made during pregnacy.

Introducing Baby "B"...

2008-01-29T16:09:00.001-08:00

Introducing Baby "A"

2008-01-29T16:07:00.000-08:00

Latest and last office visit...

2008-01-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

Here they are, two lil' ones...hearts beating along...

What more could I ask for at this point. Being realistic I know that this is really the best news we can see and get, so, with that I will breath easier today as I rejoice in the strength and courage that I know is nothing short of intervention, divine that is. As each day goes by you would think that I would feel more reassured...I don't my fear grows as they do, each day they are with me...is a memory in the making. I love my memories, I fear losing them.

There is a list of things I would like to know, things that I have decided that if I knew would help me relax...In time we will address them, one week at a time. There is very little need for me to know the sex. Tom so does not agree, he is worse than most women and really most children. A tad odd that I don't want to know, but I want this pregnacy to have some real suprises, fun ones, but really I just want to know that they are both safe, perfectly healthy. That, I feel alone is enough to ask for, so everything else...well if we know , we know.

Today was the last appointment with our fertility clinic. It is exciting, but exciting in a bridging over from girl scout to cadet kind of excited. You know that there is like so much more ahead of you but to enter the clinic infertile with the desire to have a child...and leave having one. Well, my image was Whoo..Whoo..., but in reality it is sorta sad like leaving college. Scared crapless to enter, worked hard, had some fun, made a lot of memories but you get to that day where either it is time for change or on to graduate school.

We are very fortunate that both times we have left the clinic we were headed to graduate school. This is so metaphorically said. After years of treatment, we wouldn't even afford preschool.

You sign on with a program and you have to just give it to them. When I say give "it" I mean your body, your courage, strength, your hopes and your dreams. If you haven't tested your faith till then, you will be truly challenged. Then they hold you hand and guide you and maker you stronger, wiser, all the different either way of success or disappointment.

It is scary to walk away from the place that was your security. I feel blessed to have had the team working for us that we had. I think that is probably a large part of your success is the general attitude of your team. I've seen some bad ones, but we found one of the best.

There are three little blessed embryos in waiting for us once theses babies get here. Don't know where we are with this, I do know that we are way too early in this pregnacy to make any decsions.

We miss you guys already, everyone from the receptionist to the doctors themselves our part of our family. Haha, jokes on them.

Another long day...

2008-01-27T07:58:00.001-08:00

Well, it has become very quickly a routine to acknowledge the next doctor visit with a long night prior. So in fashion, I will be high strung on emotions and worry today as well as tonight. I will prepare my self for the worse, and the best. Again, I will try to rely more on my faith and less on my "idea" that I may have some control of things. I figure about the time I get this down,we will be delivering. Go figure.

The truth is that I do have some control over somethings. Like I chose to eat well, and take care of myself. I chose to let many things in my life right now not be so high on the priority list like cleaning and being a family helper. And do all that I can do to remain healthy. I chose to avoid and reject situations that in the past and that will for sure will set me up for frustration and aggravation. I chose and have to work hard at remaining positive.

I see that we are getting the best of care, we see that we are good and informed advocates for our babies. I chose to educate myself about any and all possibilities because I know oh, to well, how quickly you can be caught off guard and make uninformed decisions that later one day you may regret.

So in spite of what most people and health care profession deem as the "nothing you can do during this time" period...I think that I am doing a good bit for my babies, and I am sure that it will be of benefit at some point and I know that I will be glad that I did it. So.

I have learnt and these are valuable lesson for anyone who accepts the challenges continuing to journey the road of infertility and pregnancy loss. You can't let fear make your decisions. You have to believe that you can do it. You have to believe that you are worth it. Do what you need to do...you can survive a host of outcomes as long as you don't have a list of "what if's, I should of's, if I had know's".

With these in mind, I forge ahead, I face fear in the face, my legs shake, my voice quakes, my eyes sting with tears, but in my heart, if I am defeated...I will know that I did all that I could.

On that note...you can only guess what we are in need of, yeap...prayers.

I feel as though I have slacked off the last day or so, getting a cold and really poor time management. I hope to spend some extra time tonight through passage and prayer. I know as each day unfolds...I am nothing with out him...and through him anything is possible.

I need to remember this as fear crawls up my back and sits upon my shoulders. I can't even wrap my head around a women getting giddy going into an ultrasound...giddy doesn't even happen for me, if our ultrasound goes well and I see heartbeats...well I stare in amazement, awe that we are still blessed with our babies.

There was talk at the last doctor appointment visit that in fact if my prior section went as he understood it, they would allow me to deliver at 34 weeks if I went into labor on my own...my take is that now my uterus can with hold very little in means of contractions.

Where oh where oh where is positive reinforcement?

2008-01-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

So I went to the regular run of the mill Ob/Gyn today. Got up early, read my passages, said my prayers...prayed the whole way over. I entered the office with extreme happiness and joy that we were here.

With in the first 5 mins of the waiting room experience a women leaves, crying her eyes out.
My heart sank. My mind wondered.

"Did her baby die? Is her baby okay? Did she find out she can never have a baby?

Did her baby have a terrible defect, is there a syndrome that stole her dreams?"

I told myself this is a Ob/Gyn, maybe she has cancer? " or maybe her dead beat "other" gave her something they don't sell at Tiffany's.

Oh dear. I just want to track her down and hug her. I know that this is unrealistic so I just lowered my head and prayed for this women. For what ever she was exposed to may she find strength and courage to make it through.

I know that feeling, I was her every time we left the doctors office. As much as I hate the journey that infertility has taken us on, I wouldn't give it to anyone just to escape it myself.

So 20 mins pass and they call me in, recharged to have a positive appointment and lay my cards on the table...the doctor I saw today nipped that idea in the bud.

"Hi. Congratulations"

"Thank you, we're excited"

"How are you feeling?"

"Good" " Well, a lot of anxiety, but generally good."

"You know your last pregnancy, well there was circumstances, well that played against the general rules of pregnancy, and there were twins."

"Yeah we know, but you know we are having twins again, right?"

"Yeah"

"Well, as I am sure you know, most twins pregnancies don't make it out of the first trimester, and most that do lose one twin"

You get the just of the appointment.
If I would have been able to pick up my heart and jaw and respond, it would had been a lot like.. "Well, duh, yeah, don't you think after all we have been through that we know the possibilities, not only know of the statistics, I'm a member! Why don't you share some of the good things that can happen, you know the advances in medicine etc." Then I would like to had added "that with that attitude it is a good thing that most women get pregnant before they come see you than before or you would be flipping burgers at an all night stand some where."

So anyway, I see the high risk OB on Monday as well as go to the clinic for my discharge from them and my last scan 8 weeks. Nothing positive to report from the medical front, however, I will try to remain positive until Monday when we get to see our babies heart beats again.

If you wondering...you know the drill ~pray.

Wasn't I just here yesterday?

2008-01-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, are you tired yet? I am, seems like I just get over one stressful worry filled night to get a reprieve and back to stress and fret again. Not only my anxiety, are you all tired of me asking for prayers? I hope not because that is what we need right now. When I told you that this would be a long 30 weeks, I wasn't kidding. I have to say that I do feel as though the Lord is giving me strength that I am surprised that I have.

An example of this is that I am trying to talk Tom into not finding out the sex of the twins. As long as they can give me some reassurance that they are healthy and going to be okay, I really don't think I need to know. I guess after our last pregnancy, that is really all that matters. The things that I thought were so important like the nursery, clothes, perfect housing arrangements etc...well, didn't help in the end. Didn't make me love them any more, any less. So in the spirit of child birth and faith, if I can get one wish, let me know that they are both perfectly healthy. After that I can wait like all the mothers in 50's and 70's.

We have about 6 weeks to go to be out of some initial danger. Everyday pregnancy can be potential danger until that baby is in your arms, but on the positive note that I just know will be the journey this pregnancy is going to take ( believe , believe, believe...)we need to get to to 14~16 week at which time they can be more reassured that we are past the highest risk of miscarriage, and that our babies have a diaphragm, that they are no general markers for syndromes...etc. Okay , the reality of all that is going through my head is bring down my positive thoughts so enough of this.

I will be praying, hope you guys will say a few for us too.

Hope to get a picture in the morning...check us out tomorrow.

2008-01-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

You've come a long way babies!

They are both doing good! One is horizontal and one is vertical to the ultrasound wand so no matter how they tried to get pictures, one is tiny and distance and the other appears to be giant. They say that our next ultrasound they both should be a good size and we should be able to get better individual pictures.

The best news of all is that the fluid sac is gone. Maybe it was typical, or common, whatever. I know that it was a answer to prayer. I was very worried that this sac was a hemorrhage or the precursor to a birth defect. We are not really out of the woods for either of those scenarios, however at 7 weeks, we are creeping closer to the "celebratory" phase of pregnancy.

More positive news is that although brief the doctor checked out the "hernia" kind of pain and she feels that with no bulge yet, that it is more than likely adhesion's. This is a very uncomfortable occurrence but after one releases there is actually some relief until the next one separates. She said that in fact it could be early ligament pain because the uterus is expanding a bit quicker for two. If it continues we will consult with a surgeon for post delivery issue or a support belt if it worsens. All very do able.

I would like to thank everyone who has continued to include us in their prayers and supported us in this pregnancy, some days are scary and some days the stress is a bit much so it is very nice to know that even if Tom and I aren't our selves, you all understand and continue to support us.

If you want to know what we need...more prayers. Patience, calmness, health and the lord will continue to carry these babies in the palm of his hand, protecting and watching them.

Going to the doctors and I'm ...

2008-01-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

going to throw up!

Ugh, I like to go and I want to go, but the 24 hours prior to appointment I just freak, I am a ball of nerves, my house gets a burst of cleanly and orderliness to it, however every other aspect in my life is neglected but a pregnant girl has to do what a pregnant girl has to do.

Actually, I am anticipating the morning because if I can get to another ultrasound appointment with out trouble, then this would be a first. Two ultrasounds in a row. I am curious about the fluid sac though, I wished I would have thought to ask more questions last Monday but, frankly I was so tickled and giddy about the babies, being two, I really couldn't even wrap my head around the fluid sac thing. That happened on the way home as I was calling everyone.

Which brings up a topic that I feel I want to touch on. Some people have different ideas of when they begin to think of their babies, well, as babies. I really have my own opinion of this and I respect each individuals own opinion so long as my opinion is too respected. That being said, Tom and I both feel that the day we conceive is the day we acknowledge our child. I know sounds intense, but, honestly, our first miscarriage was devastating. The lost of hope and dreams was nothing that I had ever felt before. We knew that at 3 month our baby was at best a kidney bean with buds for limbs, but we had names, nursery ideas, we knew that the baby had Tom's nose and my hair. No, we didn't "know", but we had hopes. When you lose a baby before they are "viable" able to fight for a chance, that is what you have. Hopes, dreams, faith, love. If you make it far enough to lose your baby at birth or early birth, or from a defect...you lose all that and some. Your so close you can see it, touch it, smell it, you never knew what you had lost till then. It compounds the senses. Who ever thought hopes, dreams, faith, love, pain had flavor?

A lot of people say that you should stay mum until your first trimester is over. After all our miscarriages, I can't. We want children too bad, we love them too much, simply the thoughts of them bring us joy.Tom and I have spent almost our whole existence together trying for children, and spending our lives putting our selves in the situation to continue the fight for children. We don't' have a fancy house, great clothes, style, killer decor, we live pay check to paycheck investing every penny and some to fertility treatment. So, as soon as we find out we tell everyone. Yeah there has been a bunch of sad moments and awkward times when we are asked "how's the baby?" but I can't imagine going thorough what we have with out sharing it... sadly many people we have introduced to this roller coaster ride we call our life, have taken the "exit stage left" direction. Miscarriage today is still treated as a plague. "Oh, a miscarriage. Shame." Then many feel that they need to say something prophetic to magically erase your pain. Some and don't be surprised that they may be family, just pretend that they don't know,and won't ask...they do this because through word of mouth, they do know. There is risk in any pregnancy. Rather of your previous ones or single one. Fear can wrap it self around you and pull you right sown to that you couldn't hold your head up if that's the only way you could breath.

Love is tough. As in Corinthians. Love is patient, kind forgiven. What it fails to mention is that it is tough, it can hurt, but in the end it is all love. We can't let fear steal our hope, dreams, our faith our love. Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun? heck, yeah. But,if I'm honest to myself...in the end we will all be where we are supposed to be. God willing.

So, I have totally gotten off topic which is our two little ones.

Lovn' them tonight, hoping that we have 29 great weeks full of positive events. I really need the prayers tonight. We need the prayers.

I pray that they both are looking great, hearts strong, food sacs shrinking and placenta's growing, I pray that the fluid sac is gone if not reduced and there is no blood flow to it. I pray that the pain that I have had this week is only a hernia from the section scar. I just pray that the Lord continues to carry us as he unfolds this wonderful journey and allows us to enjoy the full beauty of having children. I pray that he continues to support my anxiety and ease my knowledge of trauma. Through him all things are possible, and with him we are all we can be.

Till tommorrow.

Worried to the Max!

2008-01-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

Deed, I really don't know how I will make it through this pregnancy.

Feeling better today, sorta, I think the feeling that I have is the blah from pregnancy, this is good. Although, my experience is in failures and catastrophe' so my concern is that I have gotten pretty yucky at the start of the other shoe dropping before.

I once told a doctor that I didn't know what to do now that we were pregnant because I had became so good at pregnancy failure. If you have experienced loss in the past rather it be a miscarriage or a failed fertility treatment of worse the loss of your infant and you choose to continue...well, I'll be honest, I had to become callus at appointments, I had to remove the very heart that broke each day I wasn't a mom. I liked to say that I falsely built courage with the left overs of my broken heart. That is how we have endured 10 years of this.

I really think what I need is a daily ultrasound. I'm so a needy person, I like to think that I'm not, but with pregnancy...I'm compulsive.

Really what would it hurt if I went to the office every two days until I can feel some movement and hear heartbeats? I mean in the long run it would remove a copious load of stress and anxiety. On the other hand I really need to remember that I have wanted to lean on the Lord during this journey and by going and taking a look every day or so would be like calling him and saying "your still working on me, right?, were still okay right?, this is wrong, so on that note I will pray for the perfect clear timing and guidance that he shows me what and when to seek help on and pray that he may help clam my needy nerves...

Uggghhh! Days like this I get on my own nerves...

Chilln' and illn'

2008-01-18T13:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt so good since late last night. Anything to worry about? Don't know!
I have a huge stomach history. Born with a gastrochesis (sp?). I have had many surgeries and from that have had a host of belly problems, so anything from nerves to certain foods or lack of fluid can cause havoc.

With the adhesion's that I formed over the years our last pregnancy was a bit painful. Hell, it was a lot painful, but it was predicted that if I ever got pregnant again, especially in the near future, it should be less.

New Flash! I'm thinking that the adhesion's not only grew back but doubled up. So on top of praying that theses two precious wonderful gifts continue to thrive and their little hearts stay strong and they get here right on time, we can add that "mom" does not get a bowel obstructions, stays hydrated, and that the pain of adhesion's ripping won't cause too much anxiety. The pain is tolerable. Wondering if that pain was the pain I should have called the doctor on is madding. When you feel a ripping or stabbing pain, you think "I should call the doctor..." so I just fret, and pray that I have made the right decision. I'm sure this is way more info than the average blogger would prefer to read, but, In fact have warned everyone that I am not, never have been the typical anything...but if you really want to know what I would love to stop is every time I pee waiting for blood on the toilet paper. If I didn't know better I would bet money that this is some form of ancient Chinese torture of some type.

In an attempt not to be self absorbed...we should probably start a prayer chain for Tom. Life for Tom has been a little tougher this time around and I predict that it is only going to get worse. When I remind him that we will always have each other, he "hummmp" and grins.

What is with that? is that like, yeah I got the boobies prize "hummmp" or is that the, Oh,dear...lucky me "hummmp"

Well, all I can tell you right now today that is, pray that he finds direction for his "hummmp" because that will surely get him buried in the backyard quicker than these babies will be here.

2008-01-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hey, Hey Babies!

Here they are, all our hopes,dreams, sweat and tears. Today could not have been any better when we found two heart beats on our babies.

Our due dates are September the 7th and the 8th. So we will have to see.

As for now , I do have much to worry about, however today we are just rejoicing in the power of prayer. I didn't think I could have prayed any harder this week, but I thinking I am about to get the challenge.

For those who are just now joining us on this journey, you will learn fast that with every good there will follow a bad, negative etc. The doctor found on the ultrasound today a decent size sac of fluid, there was nothing in it so it was fluid. For a moment, my heart stopped and sank to my feet, was this blood? Was this an impending hemorrhage like with the girls?

We were told that they see this a good bit and not to worry. What ever. Some Mom's worry when they are in the wheel chair getting wheeled out of the hospital, I worry the day of conception, heck I start worrying the day I ovulate!

So if you are wondering what you can do to help us. Pray, pray for us and them. The next 31 weeks are going to be long and stressful and scary more than anything else.

These are some of the thoughts today I have had.

We only have 15 paydays before the babies are here.

30 week ends with just our family as we know it.

30 weeks to remove a multitude of sin from the spare room, which isn't really a spare room but a needed storage area and a multi purpose room.

We have really a bit less than the 31 weeks , because that will get us to 37 weeks and we can't go longer than that because of my last section. This we will see, but I remain hopeful that theses two little babies, behave, remain where they are until they are healthy and strong, at which time they can come when they want.

The next few weeks are full of appointments. We go back to the clinic on the 21st for a scan and update of the sac, then we see our Ob on the 23rd, the high risk perinatologist on the 24th, after our last pregnancy, everyone is on alert. I'd like to think it is because they care so, but the truth is that after our history, I know they are just wanting to get a jump ahead on any crisis.

This will be the last time I post of the possibility of impending crisis. We will remain positive.

I know the possibilities are there, after you are the statistics for so long, it is hard to wrap your head around being the simple, because life is never simple after being a statistic.

Thank you everyone who are praying for us. It really means a lot and I do believe it makes all the difference.

Somethings I have learnt is : 1. The Lord is the ultimate physician~through him all things are possible~He has great things planned for us and none are to harm us~all in his perfect time~if it is meant to be, it will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On that note we just got a call from the regular Ob and they have said. Unless it is a sac from an unfertilized embryo ( its not we only put two in and we have two heartbeats) then it probably is a bleed.

But I will remain positive.

MIA

2008-01-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

Where have I been, well I have not had Internet fora few days. Now we are back on line, I had some post typed ready to transfer and I can't find them... so they are gone and that they will be.

It really is taking too much energy to relive the last few days again to post, I made it though them the first time, I don't want to tempt fate.

Funny, I did IVF and I don't want to tempt fate.

Everyone around me is getting or has gotten pregnant. I wish it was in the water, I'd be getting me some of that.

Just another day in....

2008-01-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

the life of a cautiously optimistic person.

Nothing great to report. Still feeling a tad yucky, I think it is more nerves than pregnancy sickness.

I asked the clinic to test my progesterone and estrodil this week and they said that there is nothing more we could if they were off, I am on progesterone oil a max dose IM in the butt nightly. They said that it is enough to support a huge pregnancy.

Just a thought, you know to maybe help things a bit.

I forgot for a moment, I have nothing to do with this.

Really, hopes, dreams, faith...well we will see. Medicine could care a less, medically, well they do know more than me so, pretty much I really am an incubator with emotions.

Continue to pray for all of us.

The numbers are in.

2008-01-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Got the call today. The numbers are 1046.

All I can say is that they are up, there is no order in them, they are to double every 48 hours and they are either barely doubling or they triple.

We are not doing anymore Hcg's. We are no closer to finding out anything so we are just doing the ultrasound on the 14th, Monday at 9:45 am.

Don't ask, I don't know how I feel. I want to be so excited, but I just can't.

We are probably having one. They say they 'doubt" that both embryos continued to thrive after implantation.

Don't ask, I know how I feel about this. I doubt anyone would even get it, and I wouldn't want to come off selfish and centered.

What can you do...pray for both of our babies, that numbers are just numbers and that the Lord the grandest physician of all has protected them both.

Another test, yet another long night.

2008-01-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!

I just don't know what to say. I want to just dump my heart out, really I do but I think I have a huge dam around it making sure that no emotion enters or exits.

Literally a million things are racing through my head, but I am numb.

Not a Pink Floyd "comfortably numb", a shock numb.

All I can say is that I have been in constant conversation with the Lord today over this pregnancy, so Can't even kneel and pray tonight...I haven't stopped since this morning.

Everyone interested or rooting for us...the time is now. Our numbers really need to take a hike up the Hcg scale...

Knee mail needed~

Ups and downs of IVF.

2008-01-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

The title is so...well, just so, so what IVF is about.

The Hcg is up 352. Good right? Well up is good, but now I am on the low side of up. The low side of anything is bad for someone who is a habitual over achiever and a frequent failure.

If we are only carrying one, were still good. If there are two, signs of impending doom are rearing it's head. There really is no way there is three or four.

I know your saying if you have one your lucky. Yes, I am.

I have had 13 miscarriages, one twin pregnancy that ended in the loss of our daughter at 14 days on this earth. I have loved and cherished each pregnancy. I have wanted them all, and loved then no more or no less than each other. When I look at the embryos in the picture, honestly I get giddy, they are life, Tom's and mine life. If either one of then demise then I feel like I have loss more than a blot, a embryo...yeah scientifically that is what they are, but in my heart they are my babies. But I have been cheated out of twins once, and between me and you, I was a bit excited to have them. Another secret. Most IVF people wouldn't admit it but the word multiples is used so frequently and most doctors walk the line trying not to achieve this that , well, the excitement of just the thought of more than one gets you through the ups and downs...

The talk of getting pregnant with multiples during an IVF is a lot like having sex with your partner in a sneaky public place the day you conceive your child/children. In IVF, multiples is the thrill, the foreplay have you.

Just saying, I'm not having a tantrum or anything, just sad how quickly even the slightest excitement I get from pregnancy gets squashed....It is really getting hard in life to remain positive and hopeful when I grasp at straws to do so. Another thing is how quickly my shoulders get weighed down with the whole "look at the silver lining thing".

Have I mentioned that I really hate the color silver.

The next test is Monday.

What can you do...pray. About everything but most of all for my babies. I do so hope that they both are okay, just sluggish and getting over the holiday celebrations. I try to remember after all who theses kiddos parents are...

Another test and another long night.

2008-01-03T05:21:00.000-08:00

Another test tomorrow. I go for a check on the Hcg to see if it is rising, dropping or hanging out where we were on Wednesday.
There are definitely some benefits to getting pregnant on your own and naturally, because by the time you miss a cycle, test and get an appointment usually you are half way through the first trimester where the fear of miscarriage and fetal demise resides.
The morning, noon and night sickness is getting better , or I'm just getting use to it. If i had never been pregnant before, never experienced and been the odds I would embrace the vanishing morning sickness, but alas, naive I'm not.
Have I just gotten used to it, have my levels dropped, are our babies okay....Ahhh, the joys of motherhood they neglect to mention. I worry about our babies the day they are given back to me. In the past my body has failed me and my babies , I have trust issues. Wneh they say test tube babies...I sorta wish they were, I could just stare at them, go look would alone have more trust that they will be okay.
There are a bunch of things that weighs on this pregnancy, which is why it not only appears as though I am walking on eggs shells but upside down on a tight rope.
I need to remove the negative and try to remain positive, this the task at hand right now.
If you are still wondering what you could do to help us through this...it is still pray. Pray that our results tomorrow are above and beyond not to low and i worry of miscarriage and not too high where we will worry of hyperstimulating. Pray we are where we need to be and everything is good. Pray that the Lord will lift the burden of any loss from our hearts.

Testing day ~ Officially.

2008-01-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

I have been very sick for the past two days, but I actually got sicker once I left the clinic waiting for the results. I know this is like comparing apples to hamburger, but this phone call was like waiting for a call to tell you if you were going to live or die.

The best phone call you can get on this wonderful ride of infertility and pregnancy loss is the call I got today. At 1:51 pm on January 2nd 2007 it is official ~ We are pregnant.

Our Hcg (pregnancy hormone level) was 214. We go back on Friday for another test.

And the craziness starts. If the levels go up the pregnancy is doing well, they can begin to gauge (purely estimate) the viability of the pregnancy. If the numbers drop. Well then that means that one or all of the embryos are not going to probably survive the pregnancy. Once the levels are up to or about 1200 they can probably see something on ultrasound. This will tell us if we are having one, two, three or four.

Depending on this result we will test on the following Monday. And the same rule of thumb sort of follows.

If you are wondering what you could do to help us through this period of uncertainty, fear and worry...Pray, pray real hard for these lil' ones. Pray they like where they are, pray that they are healthy, pray that we can make it through this together. Pray that in 36 weeks and 6 days we not only meet these delicate testaments to life, but they come home with us for a very, very long time.

To be or not to be. That is the question.

2008-01-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

After 48 hours of being very sick, ruling out the possibility that my fertility medications didn't interfere with the test, that I am not hyper stimulating and that I don't have some plague or flu bug I did "the" test.

During IVF you are warned sternly about doing this, it is very possible that with all the medications and chemical process that your body goes through you can get false negatives, as well as false positives. It is protection. Like wearing a helmet when you skate board. Oh, heck yeah it is going to hurt when you fall, but at least you won't crack your skull open.

The "stick" and the "pee" is telling us that I am pregnant!

The clinics, the doctors and the internet say that the blood test on January 2nd 2007 will tell the tell.

Our blessings...

2007-12-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

Above is a photo of our blessings...

These are two of the 10 embryos that fertilized during our recent IVF procedure. On December the 15th 2007 we conceived these blessings. They were given back to me on December 20th.

I get giddy at the prospect that these are our children. Their eye color, hair color, genetic make up is has already been decided.

These lil' ones are 5 days old.

We have already fallen in love with them. You have no idea how worried I am for them.

Go ahead, you can say it. Aren't they the cutest embryos you have ever seen!