A few salvaged pictures...

Yeah you guessed it.

Walmart found the pictures and they exposed the film during processing so we have very little pictures of the birth and the first few days. Yeah, I'm upset. On top of that the hospital pictures are not here yet and when we called , yep, there was a problem there too. We may be able to get a picture of the girls together from the hospital but that will probably be it. If I can get my hands on a cord to my camera I can get some more but, well that will take effort in searching the house and not that it isn't important, but you know it's like this..."it's on the list"...

On that note we ttok off Saturday to get some pictures and I skipped cleaning and cooking and bathing to catch up on the memory making. Oh, well it's just dirt right? Anneleise did not get her pictures done with the girls and for her birthday until Dad is back to work, she can't get away from him and anyone who separates the two, watch out!

I am struggling with getting a groove going, seems that the house hold chaos seems to always demand my attention, learning to ignore it. Yesterday went well in some areas, but there just isn't enough time. Problem with this dirt, dust and clutter is that I am about as close to a OCD person that I can get before being medicated...uggh. I can't give in though these little ones need me and so does Anneleise and the days are just flying by...really this Saturday they were a month 4 weeks old. yeah that causes some anxiety too, heck breathing causes me some anxiety lately.

We haven't fell off the earth yet...

Just a real quickie. We haven't fell off the earth yet.

We are fairing well, the girls Beka and Atty are keeping us very busy, the feeding is a real job but I am not complaining. Being their mother is a real true pleasure.

They of course were allergic to the high calorie formula so after a long night of belly aches and a morning of bloody diapers (yeah I flipped!) they switched them so now they are on soy but of course it has less calories so we are now having to challenge the girls bellys even more by getting all the feeds in and not having to add more volume. It is a science expieriment in it's self, so I won't go in to details, just saying it keeps us both very busy.

I hate to say it but by them being so tiny they look like they are growing so fast already.

I think knowing that these are our last ever babies, I am trying to absorb it all every minute, with Anneleise I think I tried but there was the grief of not having Aubrey that I thought I was there but I guess Iwas absent some times.

I took our film for developing, and of course they can't find it, they said it is there just give them a bit of time to find it...gotta love Walmart. They are a thorn in my side this week, you will have to see Whitney's World later this week for all my issues with Walmart.

Anneleise is just being the best Big sister ever. I have found it odd and funny that she seems to be very selective to Beka. Beka according to my family and Tom's looks very much like Aubrey did just before she was put on to the vent then ECMO. Personally I never got to see her until she was already so swollen and everything started falling apart that I can't really tell. So I wonder does she remember her, Anneleise that is? and is that why she favors Beka than Atty? We brought Beka home first so is that the deal? Atty's monitor has not really cause Anneleise any real issues other than once when it went off, but the other day she found a vcr cord and when I went to look at Atty I noticed that she laid it across her lap like her monitors cords were, so maybe that small monitor is keeping a bond form forming? Who knows, all I know is that she isdoing great, better than I ever expected. She turned 2 this week and we had a wee party yesterday for her, she had a great time and the girls sleep through the whole thing.

I love my girls. Every one of them, however everytime I walked by and saw those two sweet babies sleeping, I just wanted to crawl into bed with them...YAWN>.....

Life is so simple at times however, emotionally this week, strike that this last three weeks have been very emotionally complicated. In many ways it has been so good and I am aw struck with the blessings that I have, however, I am human and I do find myself earning for the love that I don't have, this is my Aubrey, especially as her angel days approached.

I can't not believe how rough I still feel from the section and my abdominal pain has only slightly improved since I was discharged, but the other night as I held the girls I cried like I haven't in a while...I'd do it all again, I'd risk it all for this. My daughters, they are worth every penny, every tear, every fear, every dream gone bad, every hope come true, they tested my faith, they challenged my health, my mind my marriage...but I'd do it all again.

I hope and wish that I can soon get some pictures up but honestly when a moment shows it self that we can take a nap or get a decent amount of sleep, I take it...so the plan is to have pictures and a camera cord this week and pictures up by this weekend.

We have appointment all this week, I finally get into the OB this week for a follow up from the section, yeah 2 weeks late but I only want to see the one and I had to wait. I wanted to go back to my high risk, she offered but the trip would have been a bit hard with all the kids and I really need to address some issues long term with my health with my locals, so I opted not too. The other reason is that I am very sad that our relationship is now over. She and her office was a great source of inspiration and strength, I think I morn the ideas that they really won't be part of Tom's and my life, especially after the last 4 years with them. Of course we will remain friends but we all know that the reality of that is seasonal cards and occasional email, a far cry from the last 4 years. They are one of many persons that through all our journeys have touched us and made our lives better and after time we reflect often on them, so in the end it really is never over.

The girls go to the pediatrician and the pulmonologist this week. Atty has been brady when she has bad feeds, but since changing the formula it has been better, Beka, honestly is really worrying me now she gets a little blue I think during sleep, she chokes so when she starts her feeds that I hope we are not aspirating. I look for her to end up on the monitor when we leave, Atty, well maybe another two weeks then she may be off. My hopes are that no one comes home with anything else. I don't really know what the answer is with the girls gut, they are a mess at this point, Beka has literally ulcers on her diaper rash from the copious amounts of diarrhea and Atty has stopped going except for the "blow out" once a day.

I can't wait to see if the girls make it through the week with nothing major, when we go to the pulmonologist and if the girls clear we may be able to get their pictures done the following week, if not I am going to get a photographer to come in and do them, I just got to get some good pictures before they grow anymore!

No place like home.

Well, we are all home.

First Beka came home on the 25th then her sister Atty followed the next evening. Beka was greeted with a semi interested welcome from her big sister Anneleise. About two hours after Beka was home she recovered and seemed to do better , by the next day she was open and into holding her and loving on her. The 26th was a crazy day after our training for the monitors and the infant CPR and preemie care we got to bring Atty home on a monitor for her apnea or "suspected" apnea and eating troubles. Anneleise was in bed by the time we got home so when she woke up in the morning she came running into our room looking for Beka and was a bit wide eyed when she saw Atty.

It takes about one and half hours to just feed the two girls due to their immaturity, so we spend about all our waking hours feeding and cleaning up the girls after the feeds. Prayers that this soon improves for them are greatly welcomed, they do work so hard to eat. We noticed the other night they seemed to do better and were staying awake a little more after feedings which means that they are not using as much energy to eat and spare a little for socialization.

She said, "Oh, there she is...then pointed to Atty and said, Oh, there she is..." And that was about that. Anneleise said "two" then ran around like she was crazy yelling for "Blue Clues"

Since they have come home things have been to say the least very exhausting and crazy but it is our crazy and exhausting. Anneleise has not been feeling well with teething she just can't get her last two teeth to come in and they are driving the whole family nutty, but really giving her the what for.

I am very shocked and surprised how difficult my recovery this time around was, but I am older and repeat anything means double the healing so I guess it is to be expected, I just forgot to expect it.

I have to admit that I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions of this being our last pregnancy. These girls ending this era of our life.

I have a million and one post to edit and get up, there has been a lot in my mind going on and even more in my heart. A peek into Whitney's World blog will come alive soon, but I know that it will not be for the faint of heart.

I have found myself with this question..."What do you do when all you know is the fight of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss?" You may think that I kicked infertility butt because we have our girls. Blessed? Oh, deed I know how blessed we are, and I will for ever know this. But tonight I struggle with the reality that in the war of infertility, I may have won the battle but it was not with out causalities and loss.

There is a numbness that surrounds me getting off this ride of infertility, a numbness that I have ignored but just recently realized it stole memories and moments from Aubrey and Anneleise's pregnancy and infant days, and I will not let it steal another from these girls.

On that note, we are all doing well and we are just thrilled with Atty and Beka. They are such a joy and a pleasure to care for and love. I want to share everything with anyone who wants to share, but I need to saver the moments, they really so grow so much so fast.

I hope to get a reprieve and get some pictures developed this week and hope I can get another camera cord for my digital then I promise some pictures

Another quickie!

Okay, I have some great pictures but no time, I am thinking that this could be the new theme to this blog.

The latest news is that Beka may come home Sunday, she will be 35 weeks. Atty, of course continues to fill her shoes and create a bite of excitement, she is doing fine and should be okay but has decided to challenge every traditional "preemie" obstacle at least once. Guess we know who she is going to take after.

The only snap in the plan this weekend we had to come home, Anneleise did not do well after our absence for 5 days coming to the hotel and staying there and she had even less interest and tolerance for the long days at the hospital. Not that I don't blame her, if I am not with the girls I don't really care to hang out there either. So we regrouped we are home and tracking down the road each day to be with the girls and get home to be with her in the evenings. She has done better and seems happier on a bigger picture, however this has been a tough week for her so some prayers for her tolerance and forgiveness and patience is in great need. Of course our little one are in need of some prayers that they transition well over the next days and we can soon all get under one roof, safely and in perfect timing that we can find a "groove".

Our pictures are so limited because of the girls being in the NICU A for the first days, it is for high needs and more sensitive babies and they really try to get us crazy folks from flashing and snapping, so now they they are in the NICU B we are able to get better pictures and more of them.

I hope you enjoy them and I hope to get better with the whole photo adding thing so that I can get more on faster!

A real quickie...

The girls are here.

They are the most beautiful little beings I have seen other than my Aubrey and Anneleise. Yes I am partial, but they are adorable.

I am also very over whelmed, Anneleise is over whelmed, Tom is a walking Zombie and our nieces who are 18 and 12 are keeping our lives running right now, so that should tell you something.

They are dealing with the typical preemie obstacles...but doing very well considering some obstacles that we didn't even knew existed.

If i was a fortune teller I would tell me that Atty will be our handful, already she is a hand full. Her eyes stare into your soul. Our Beka, well I think she will be the silent sweet wrapping everyone around her finger kind. She has the cutest little grin. Anneleise...well, she is our funny happy loving sweet baby who gave the the love and courage to want, work and fight for Atty and Beka. Our dear forever baby Aubrey, well she is our reminder of the power of love, faith and that we can make it where ever we want to be and our love for her will never change.

Saturday to Sunday was tough, we held our twin girls Sunday morning...our life is good and we are at peace for our family. There have been some scarey moments but they are doing so well.

The girls are taking everything we have time wise and my section although went well is causing me much more physical complications this time around so be patient I promise I will get some good stuff up soon.

Drum roll please...

It has been decided.

It is official, engraved items have been ordered.

Our girls will be called

Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee Priller (Beka)

and

Brennah Atlynd Brooke Priller (Atty)

Now that this has been decided, they may come when they are ready. This was hard this time, especially knowing that we will not get to have anymore children. Tom fought a good fight and frankly I did give in way more than I thought I would, however I do think he is taking advantage of the fact I am not feeling well and on a lot of medications. But in the end I am happy with the choices, I did so want Rowan and I really am not that on board with Brennah, but I think it will grow with me once I have a face to put with it.

What is up?

Well the good thing is my liver values weren't so I got to stay home another day ~ yeah!

Now if I could get the itching under control.

We are off tot he doctors in the morning , an early appointment. Things have been insanely crazy here, we have had storms and everything that needed to get done is getting done today.

NOT!

Things that need to get done are getting done. Big difference.

I don't really know what is going on but the girls have been less active and things have been really different today. My cervix had began to shorten (for me) but was far from dilation as of our last visit, however I wouldn't be surprised if things are really different in the morning.

Maybe I am just hopeful at this point that it would happen in the morning. I really don't want the pregnancy to be over. Can you believe that I typed that?

But really I don't. I really wanted to saver this pregnancy and enjoy some of the fun things that come with having babies. I don't have any pictures of me pregnant really or really any mementos.

Strike that if the stretch marks and extra padding don't disappear then I do have a good bit of that!

I can't believe that Anneleise will have sisters (on earth) this weekend. That she will not be our only child in our house. That we did it. We are having two more little girls.

With all the stress and worry, I really did just simply forget that we are so blessed, down right lucky to have our girls, even more lucky to have had our angel, Aubrey has made us appreciate our girls 10 times fold.

Well, here is to another and the last doctor appointment of the pregnancy.

We need a lot of prayers.

Pray that the girls are healthy as can be for 33 weeks and 6 days. That our sugars even out quickly and pose no risks to them or me. Pray that I can handle the epidural, it works and I can mentally make it through the section. Pray that Anneleise , never thinks I don't love her and that she doesn't hate me for bring two siblings home. Pray that the girls get to come home in a timely manner with little or no intervention and medications. Pray that our family travels safely to and from the hospital, that they get to enjoy the birth. Pray that Tom can handle the load placed upon him. Pray that as he started his FMLA, we can financially survive until he goes back to work and we have no major disasters.

Pray that our babies are going to be healthy. No surprises.

I'm sure there are a million things I should be asking help for in prayer but those are what are consuming my thoughts right now so feel free to add to the list.

Waiting on results.

Went to the docs this morning, waiting on the results, they will call in the morning. If things are good on my end we will go to the docs on Thursday and get all situated and delivery is Saturday at 9:30!

If things are getting hairy by the blood work then we go Tuesday, then there is sudden nature and my water breaks and we go before anyway.

The babies are looking good they say, I'm not, they didn't have to tell me that there is enough fluid to sink a boat on board...

Am I scared, oh yeah, am I ready I guess, better now than later, do I want to think about the next 4 days...na I wish I could just go off somewhere. But ah yes there are things to do like get my daughter well, yeah Anneleise has taken to a case of either poison ivy/oak or and athletes feet...ah, the trials of parenthood.

I'm getting really scared about the health of the girls and their conditions and then there is the whole section thing. I did okay with the girls last time but I feel so horrible now that I can't imagine surgery helping anything.

Pray for me and the babies, and Tom and please pray that the change isn't too much for Anneleise. Oh dear I just thought about her not being a only child after Saturday...how crazy is that?

I have wanted this for ever for us and for her, hope she is as appreciative.

Yet anothr update...

Since I am typing this I'm sure you are able to come to the conclusion that I am not in the hospital in a coma.

I pay a very good high risk doctor and dang it, she knows her stuff. The fluid is better on both of the girls, baby "a" belly is looking a lot better she lost two weeks of measurements of the belly in 4 days. Baby "b" is doing well also.

We are going to continue the insulin on a sliding scale, rest and working on some pain management on the adhesion's for me, at best I can give another week, with divine intervention...two.

She has promised me that if I get to the 27th of July our 34th week she will call the hospital and end this uphill battle.

In order for this to happen my sugar and the girls fluid and sugar has to remain stable and there is always the chance that I go into labor and we can't stop it then that will be the day!

It's 12:40 am...

do you know where your fetus's are?

Mine are hanging in here with me, driving me mad. Mad I tell you.

"A" it knocking to come out, and "b", well she just want to get her two cents in. Honestly, these two will probably need tethers to just make it out.

I'm going to the docs at 1:00 tomorrow, Not a moment too soon either, I am itching to death and they are hammering me with contractions.

Something has to give or I need to be induced...into a coma that is.

Another update, another plan.

I'm home.

I'm feeling really foul.

They took 100 cc's off baby "b", wanted to do the same for "a" but honestly I couldn't handle it, we had this done for Aubrey in our last pregnancy, however this time I guess with adhesion's and both of them having more fluid it was way more hurtful.

She was happy with the one, the fluid was clear and looked go. For about 4 hours it felt good, gave me some relieve, however I can feel it building up again already.

We are now on a sliding insulin scale. I am not very happy of this, and i just pray that my kidneys are not effected from all of this as well as my pancreas and liver. Yggh.

The girls looked good, very very active.

The new plan is to make it till Monday. Then we will see. There is talk, and I mean only talk that this week will be the week.

I don't want to get my hopes up and I do want the babies to be safe, but ohhhh how sweet it would be for them to move out...just the idea of it gives me a glimmer of hope.

It is getting very hard to get ready for them, the discomfort is 24 hours 7 dys a week now and frankly just functioning is all I can do, I don't feel like I am getting any bonding or preparation for them to arrive, makes me a bit sad. I just sit around alone while Tom entertains and keeps Anneleise busy, and seems the only talk about the babies is what is going on with their health and mine. The big whoop is going to the doctors and maybe tothe store, which ends up with me ditting in the car while Tom finishes the shopping. No normal fun pregnancy stuff this pregnancy either.

Guess some people get to celebrate a pregnancy and some just have their babies. Best case senerio this time arund is we get to have our babies. Really in the grand scheme of things that is all we wanted anyway, a little fun and excitement would help the stress of all this though.

Update.

Sugar is higher now since on insulin. Belly is way whoo! bigger and tighter and the babies go thorugh periods of frantic activity then nothing.


Are you seeing a pattern yet? Well for those who are a bit slow let me help you. These babies need to come out.

After 2 hours of interrupted sleep last night we are on the way to the doctors this morning.

Who knows what has happens since Tuesday, what is happening today...Lord only knows what is in store.

Oh yeah, we need some prayers.

I really have a gut fear that there is something wrong with the babies that we don't know.

Paranoid? Hope so.

Tick tock...

Yeah that is the sound that is resignating in my head as I type this.

Today, actually last night the straw that broke the camels back was laid upon me.

We went to the maternal fetal specialist early this am and as the title states...we are buying minutes.

Congratulate me, I can now add insulin dependant pregnancy induced insulin resistance diabetes to my resume of issues. New adhesion's thick enough to be seen via ultrasound, which is frightening in itself and two little babies who bellies can't not get any bigger and who's fluid (amino) is at the upper levels of safe i think 23 something that they can't empty their bladders well.

So here is the newest plan.

Pray to the Lord that we can make it to the 28th. This is like two weeks. I will be 34 weeks and there is basically a 90 % chance of survival among these births at this time period with few if any long term repercussions and delays. The over all hospital stay will be quite less than if we deliver this week.

I started insulin ~ NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS...but what is a mother to do? Please pray that this will help reduce the amount of fluid in the amino sacs or at best slowdown the production of the amino fluid. Please add in your prayers that my body is not over effected in a long term manner from this "temporary" treatment.

We started Indocine again. This is our last 48 hours to use this for fluid reduction and contractions. In the past is has helped each time the benefits are reduced we are hoping and praying to at least get 48 to 72 hours of calmness out of it, buying us almost another week.

I return on Friday the 11th. If the fluid is not any better or is worse we will began therapeutic amniocentesis. Pray that this is a last resort or a one time deal and that it does not bring on labor and or ruptured membranes.

Pray that our babies who are starting to feel the effects of all the meds and the cocktails to protect their immune systems, enhance the lung growth and the sugar does not allow our babies to be over large, unhealthy and please pray that we are not being dealt any unknown soft tissues defects.

Pray that I find the temperament , the patience and the strength to make it through this and have the strength and ability to recover quickly and care for the family I have struggled and worked so hard to have my whole life.

Pray that some how we can work it out that I can remain home with Anneleise until the delivery in a safe manner that me or the babies are not in jeopardy. I really am trying to get some special time with her but she has decided to choose this month to spread her wings, grow an attitude, become obsessively needy with her father and have an very distinctive opinion and idea of what she wants, she however still has chosen to only use verbal communication at her convenience...ugggh. My heart breaks because I love her so. I cried for three hours last night because she got her first butt whipping from me. She wouldn't look at me for about an hour. I felt like crap, she made me feel like crap but she really did need to get the reality check...this is the part of momma~hood that I could assign to someone else.

August the 1st is Tom's and I 10th Anniversary, if we would deliver we would be able to say that we completed our family after 11 years to the day of trying and loss. Through all of this, the loss of our Aubrey, the struggles and bitter sweetness of Anneleise, the tribulations and stress of these two girls...I already know that it was and has been worth every minute.

The 28th is Tom's birthday. I wouldn't really like for that to be the girls birthday too, however I think it would be just what Tom would want. He loves his girls...and too have two healthy babies laid in his arms on that day after our 11 years trying to get here...Wow.

Personally this weekend won't be soon enough, each moment is frighten, I have so much worry and concern that is almost consuming me, my weakness such as patience and dysfunction and non-multi tasked people are testing each and every morsel of my being.

For the record though..my doc and her staff has rocked, and I couldn't imagine being here with out them...so continue to keep them in your prayers for us as the are faced with new challenges each day with our pregnancy.

I pray also that we are given guidance with choosing our girls names, for some reason know that these are our lst we are having a hard time committing.

SO, there you have it. This is what crap when it hits the fan looks like when written on paper...just be thankful you don't have that Wonka vison screens and you'd have the smell we have....it isn't pleasant.

Kaboom.

Rumor has it that is what the fourth of July sounded like.

Wouldn't know we were home in bed by 9 ish. Anneleise didn't like the fireworks and her and Tom came home and she was out like a light.

The girls didn't like the storm that washed through here this weekend they have been crazy and I have been contracting like crazy.

Oh, how I want them to be safe and healthy, but it is truly getting harder each day. I am trying not to think about it, however constant contractions are a reminder I can't over look. The terbutaline is getting my sugar so high and making me feel crappy at best.

I have to say to feel this bad I wonder truly if my babies are okay. I am starting to have a lot of anxiety over the condition of the girls. I hope and pray that it is all nothing and will be senseless worry on my part.

Prayers needed.

Some for the babies, they are getting tight, really big thanks to the sugar, the meds and little to no activity and they still need a good three weeks to grow.

I go the next three Wednesdays. The last we will evaluate if we are still here. Here as in the cervix is still good, the blood pressure remains good, the sugar doesn't stop things like my kidneys from working, the girls continue to pass the biophysical and somewhere I hope my mental state can be entered into the equation. I am home still and will continue to work on that goal of staying home.

Some for me. I love them, I will fight to the end for them, but they are slowly ripping me apart.

Some for our life. Chaos in forward motion is a minor understatement. Way too much to do, so not enough time to do it in. Pray that I see the "what needs done" from the "wish was done" from the " should be done".

Pray that my lovely doctor find the continued strength to put up with me and my personality which on a good day is tolerable, on a bad day pathetic and in about another week will be relatively "wicked".

Someone should pray for Tom. Today Tom is the father to our children. That is all the billing he is getting. He needs some energy, strength and wisdom...mainly just enough of wisdom to say very little after about 6:00pm and nothing before 9:00 am. I do feel a bit for him, I have not felt well for almost 6 weeks now and really it is probably getting old.

Hey, I said I do feel a bit for him, I didn't say I felt sorry for him...I pray for him and for us and for my family...

The news of three weeks 21 day countdown did get things moving, Tom kicked it into gear and the nursery is so very close to getting done, we are really cramped for space but i am trying to keep a twin bed in the room for the first months until the girls sleep through the night. This is okay it just looks a little cluttered and I do seem to get annoyed with clutter so I need to let this go and just be happy with the success of one evening in the room working and his progress.

It is official, the names will be decided this weekend.

Update.

I'm still pregnant.

I love my babies and will continue this fight to keep them in.

They, these girls are insanely active.

They are grounded until they are at least 12 years old.

Enough said.

No news is not good news.

This is long, not nice and really shows probably the worse side of my personality so read with the idea of getting some entertainment out of it, and take heart that no matter what this pregnant hormonal fluid retentive bed rested women says....she would do anything for her children in or out of the uterus.

Okay my lovely high risk doctor takes the call from the home monitoring company at 2:00 am this morning because my contractions are rocking and they have maxed me out on the Trebutaline. They have no other options, what should we do? My pulse was 131 so no more of Trebutaline tonight.

She calls back, we were hoping to avoid this but I started the Procardia (a heart medication) because the option of Indocine is fading. Indocine makes you or at least me, feel like crapola...capital "C" but it does calm things. I think an Indocine could calm even the most hyper child in the world. Use of Indocine for very long, like 2 days can cause the hole in the babies heart (one that is supposed to be there until birth then it is to close) to close in utero. This would be very bad, also using it after like 31-32 weeks isn't recommended so Procardia has been added to the "be good uterus" cocktail.


The benefit is that the headache I got from the Indocine and the Mag was way worse and after a few days this one should die down...you know your body gives in and just stops fighting the effect of the medications.


As much as my frustration and concern is about the health of our girls, potential problems with my health I am equally upset of how today was handled, which in retrospect is not much different in the past except we are paddling uphill so to speak right now trying to buy some time and I feel our high risk doctor was done wrongly today too.

She was very and has been very compassionate about this concern, I really think that she was the most surprised to see this whole situation that occurred over the Memorial week being that we had no issues with me in the pregnancy itself with our first set of twins. Other than a very horrible birth defect taking our daughters life, the pregnancy was uneventful for twins and my age. Losing Aubrey is not something we take lightly, it is a huge issue in this pregnancy because of just the emotions of losing her itself, so when I say we really had no issues, I mean in the sense of getting them here in a safe and timely manner.

She suggested and requested that since I had not again rest for 24 hours, being tired isn't good either that we could avoid the 1 hour and 35 minute ride to and then back if we could see our local OB/GYN and they/us touch base with some answers and then go from there, her request were to have them check my cervical length, the girls fluid etc. There is a question again if I am, or was, "leaking fluid", I'm not ruptured because with the amount of fluid the girls have right now if I had a rupture one of the sacs, well it would be similar to one of the levees breaking in Iowa right now...sorry that was probably not the best thing I could have compared it too, however the cervix attached to this girls uterus is holding in a boat load of fluid!

We did as requested, they saw me right away.
They as in the the "one" I don't care for, the "one" that I have to say a prayer for before I see him, the "one" that I have to pray for myself control so I don't slap him stupid...err...stupidier, if that isn't a word it should be because he just gets dumber each visit.

I pee'd on a stick, I think she may have turned it over and looked before she tossed it, weighed me ~ gain of 4 pounds in three days (hello flag! we are poly amino I have only gain 11 to date until this week...took my blood pressure with the skinny person cuff on a pleasantly plump pregnant lady's arm.

He looked for my fluid sac vaginally, what the?...he said," it is intact"
I asked, "both are?"
I was told there is no real way of knowing with twins only by the first in line..."there is no dilation," so upon his educated evaluation...this is nothing, but stay on the drugs.

Then only by the grace of God did I not stroke out with a blood pressure issue be cause with a smirk...he acted like he was offering me some new wave techno device and solving all my problems by whipping out the hand doppler and saying, " Wanna hear the heartbeats"?

Upon the sound of a heartbeat he smiled and said " Awe, there is a healthy baby".

He moved it over about 4 inches and said "that one is healthy too..."
Again not being the ignorant hick he must think I am, I asked, "are these two different heart beats"?

I was told again by him again "it is just hard to tell." "You never really know....you know with twins."

This is really when I just wanted to slap the man off this earth.

Our daughter Aubrey's heart sounded perfect each and every time, matter of fact in utero she was amazingly healthy and active and responsive and the epitome of the perfect fetus...ah except that her heart was on the wrong side of her body, she only had a half of lung, her guts uterus included grew in her chest and she never grew a rectum...she had probably 100 ultrasound alone for just her and 3 MRI's and each time her condition worsened or they found something else, so only by ultrasound did we know where we were in the game plan to get her help...but enough of that back to today... yeah Professor Jerk I'll take "Awe, there is a healthy baby" to ease all my fear and concerns....honestly.

I really thought at this point Tom was going to step in and tell him that there is a way of knowing called ultrasound and since we pay all the bills and never owed them a penny maybe he could get out of his own way and get one done...I could see it in his face however I know for a fact it would not have came out in any manner close to that. He wants a new OB/GYN to deliver if we make it past 32 ~34 weeks. I want my high risk doctor or someone she refers I think.


Long story made longer...I left there called the High risk doctor and she fixed it all and I will see her Wednesday...yeah they actually asked me if that office had a ultrasound machine in the office, because we really needed to see if the cervix has shorten, if there was fluid in the canal, if the fluid was lower higher and then seen both reactive babies....so yeah doc holiday this is something that you can't do with an uncomfortable pelvic exam, therefore not only did you not respect the help your peer was offering ~ let me remind you of what she has been doing...you know avoiding a high risk delivery in a moments notice, taking all the midnight calls , all the bleeds and the hospital admissions, doing all the medicine paper , the FMLA paperwork and the home monitoring responsibility...ring a bell? You doc rubbed me the "momma" the wrong way.

I told the my high risk doctor "I guess they were conserving energy and didn't want to turn it on."

I love my regular OB/GYN but I never can get in to see him when we need him so I always meet up with this guy.

One of my biggest issues that these items were requested by her for her purpose, not a plot to get a much desired ultrasound peek of our babies that most normal women desire...yeah a peek would have made me feel at ease but face it is an ultrasound it is a quick fix, things can change in a minute so there is very little long term comfort from one, personally that is. Secondly, I question "Is his ego getting in the way of our babies safety"? Thirdly, he thinks or at least treats me like I am an idiot. For the record I am not an idiot but I am my own advocate and the only one my babies have until they are out and their father can share the load.

So there it is folks...the vent...the vent and the injustice. I have been praying for all day not to resort to name calling and childish ranting however...drugged sleepless and very bloated and really not liken many males ...what is a women in my shape to do?

Well, I'm going to bed. After all my only problem is I am pregnant! Him, well that I think is going to have to be someone else . Jerk.

Oh, yeah there is another post on my site, www.apeekintowhitneysworld.blogspot.com that I think should probably go here, however it too is a male bashing, hormonal end of my rope thought and really I think this one will take the ratings down on my site alone so I best spread the love.... By the way if you are wondering what we need help in....oh I would probably lean toward patience and silence and sudden acts of kindness.....oh yeah and two healthy babies. That is all.

I'm Late, I'm Late...

Much like the Mad Hatter in Alice and Wonderland, I have a million things that need finished and a million to start and very little time, money, help to do it in.

Umph.

Sorry about my luck? Yeah me too. This weekend has yet been another week of hard work keeping these two inside. Someone wants out, I think she may win.


If I can make it to next week I will be shocked. Today although I'm not supposed to be doing much I moved all over the house, I couldn't sit or lay still for very long. Never having true labor with the girls, I did have some pre term labor and know the difference but let me tell you ...these are the real thing, the real McCoy, genuine Bill Cosby's definition of labor pains.

I know I will still be here next week, there are too many people working on this project and more options we have resorted too to think we are at the end yet, however, there is a very ashamed side of me (the one experiencing all the pain from adhesion's, high amino fluid on both the girls, and sickness from the medications) that would like to just say "I'm done." "They have to be better off out than in , how can I feel so horrible and they still thrive and remain safe?"

With prayer and my previous experience in the NICU and medical field I know and will continue to fight to keep them where they need to be. I'm not kidding though, between 32 and 34 weeks if no one has shown their faces yet...they are getting served an eviction notice and it won't be the nice kind either...their placenta's and all are out on the curb!

I'm hoping that things calm, I have to go to the Dr's in the morning now due to all the activity tonight so maybe, my outlook will be revived and I could at least give the girls a week notice before booting their precious little bums out.

Get this...

So this is it, the top picture in the yellow shirt is me the day before I gave birth to Aubrey and Anneleise. They were 37 weeks and 2 days/ Aubrey had way too much fluid, Anneleise has just barely to get buy till delivery.

The bottom picture, the green shirt is me at 28 weeks and 3 days. They both have more fluid than they should, we hope this will be resolved this week with some medications and of course...more bed rest! Whooaaaa! Being an over achiever by nature, I think I should go ahead and try to let this one go. I really can't imagine getting any bigger than I was with the girls , but with all the steroids and medication that I wasn't on the last time...these girls are going to be bigger so if for some reason I make it to 37 weeks and 2 days.....Whooaaa!

That's all I have to say on this topic.

A peek of the girls...

As I have said, baby A is so very low and all bunched up that we hardly ever get to see much other than her ear and her rump...although cute we wish we could she her face like on baby B. So this is our best shots this week.

Whoot, Whoot! we are approaching 28 weeks! Prayers for 32 weeks will get us to deliver about one hour and half closer to home and healthy babies...although the care at Adventist was wonderful it is going to be hard to travel especially with the price of gas.