A few salvaged pictures...

Yeah you guessed it.

Walmart found the pictures and they exposed the film during processing so we have very little pictures of the birth and the first few days. Yeah, I'm upset. On top of that the hospital pictures are not here yet and when we called , yep, there was a problem there too. We may be able to get a picture of the girls together from the hospital but that will probably be it. If I can get my hands on a cord to my camera I can get some more but, well that will take effort in searching the house and not that it isn't important, but you know it's like this..."it's on the list"...

On that note we ttok off Saturday to get some pictures and I skipped cleaning and cooking and bathing to catch up on the memory making. Oh, well it's just dirt right? Anneleise did not get her pictures done with the girls and for her birthday until Dad is back to work, she can't get away from him and anyone who separates the two, watch out!

I am struggling with getting a groove going, seems that the house hold chaos seems to always demand my attention, learning to ignore it. Yesterday went well in some areas, but there just isn't enough time. Problem with this dirt, dust and clutter is that I am about as close to a OCD person that I can get before being medicated...uggh. I can't give in though these little ones need me and so does Anneleise and the days are just flying by...really this Saturday they were a month 4 weeks old. yeah that causes some anxiety too, heck breathing causes me some anxiety lately.

We haven't fell off the earth yet...

Just a real quickie. We haven't fell off the earth yet.

We are fairing well, the girls Beka and Atty are keeping us very busy, the feeding is a real job but I am not complaining. Being their mother is a real true pleasure.

They of course were allergic to the high calorie formula so after a long night of belly aches and a morning of bloody diapers (yeah I flipped!) they switched them so now they are on soy but of course it has less calories so we are now having to challenge the girls bellys even more by getting all the feeds in and not having to add more volume. It is a science expieriment in it's self, so I won't go in to details, just saying it keeps us both very busy.

I hate to say it but by them being so tiny they look like they are growing so fast already.

I think knowing that these are our last ever babies, I am trying to absorb it all every minute, with Anneleise I think I tried but there was the grief of not having Aubrey that I thought I was there but I guess Iwas absent some times.

I took our film for developing, and of course they can't find it, they said it is there just give them a bit of time to find it...gotta love Walmart. They are a thorn in my side this week, you will have to see Whitney's World later this week for all my issues with Walmart.

Anneleise is just being the best Big sister ever. I have found it odd and funny that she seems to be very selective to Beka. Beka according to my family and Tom's looks very much like Aubrey did just before she was put on to the vent then ECMO. Personally I never got to see her until she was already so swollen and everything started falling apart that I can't really tell. So I wonder does she remember her, Anneleise that is? and is that why she favors Beka than Atty? We brought Beka home first so is that the deal? Atty's monitor has not really cause Anneleise any real issues other than once when it went off, but the other day she found a vcr cord and when I went to look at Atty I noticed that she laid it across her lap like her monitors cords were, so maybe that small monitor is keeping a bond form forming? Who knows, all I know is that she isdoing great, better than I ever expected. She turned 2 this week and we had a wee party yesterday for her, she had a great time and the girls sleep through the whole thing.

I love my girls. Every one of them, however everytime I walked by and saw those two sweet babies sleeping, I just wanted to crawl into bed with them...YAWN>.....

Life is so simple at times however, emotionally this week, strike that this last three weeks have been very emotionally complicated. In many ways it has been so good and I am aw struck with the blessings that I have, however, I am human and I do find myself earning for the love that I don't have, this is my Aubrey, especially as her angel days approached.

I can't not believe how rough I still feel from the section and my abdominal pain has only slightly improved since I was discharged, but the other night as I held the girls I cried like I haven't in a while...I'd do it all again, I'd risk it all for this. My daughters, they are worth every penny, every tear, every fear, every dream gone bad, every hope come true, they tested my faith, they challenged my health, my mind my marriage...but I'd do it all again.

I hope and wish that I can soon get some pictures up but honestly when a moment shows it self that we can take a nap or get a decent amount of sleep, I take it...so the plan is to have pictures and a camera cord this week and pictures up by this weekend.

We have appointment all this week, I finally get into the OB this week for a follow up from the section, yeah 2 weeks late but I only want to see the one and I had to wait. I wanted to go back to my high risk, she offered but the trip would have been a bit hard with all the kids and I really need to address some issues long term with my health with my locals, so I opted not too. The other reason is that I am very sad that our relationship is now over. She and her office was a great source of inspiration and strength, I think I morn the ideas that they really won't be part of Tom's and my life, especially after the last 4 years with them. Of course we will remain friends but we all know that the reality of that is seasonal cards and occasional email, a far cry from the last 4 years. They are one of many persons that through all our journeys have touched us and made our lives better and after time we reflect often on them, so in the end it really is never over.

The girls go to the pediatrician and the pulmonologist this week. Atty has been brady when she has bad feeds, but since changing the formula it has been better, Beka, honestly is really worrying me now she gets a little blue I think during sleep, she chokes so when she starts her feeds that I hope we are not aspirating. I look for her to end up on the monitor when we leave, Atty, well maybe another two weeks then she may be off. My hopes are that no one comes home with anything else. I don't really know what the answer is with the girls gut, they are a mess at this point, Beka has literally ulcers on her diaper rash from the copious amounts of diarrhea and Atty has stopped going except for the "blow out" once a day.

I can't wait to see if the girls make it through the week with nothing major, when we go to the pulmonologist and if the girls clear we may be able to get their pictures done the following week, if not I am going to get a photographer to come in and do them, I just got to get some good pictures before they grow anymore!

No place like home.

Well, we are all home.

First Beka came home on the 25th then her sister Atty followed the next evening. Beka was greeted with a semi interested welcome from her big sister Anneleise. About two hours after Beka was home she recovered and seemed to do better , by the next day she was open and into holding her and loving on her. The 26th was a crazy day after our training for the monitors and the infant CPR and preemie care we got to bring Atty home on a monitor for her apnea or "suspected" apnea and eating troubles. Anneleise was in bed by the time we got home so when she woke up in the morning she came running into our room looking for Beka and was a bit wide eyed when she saw Atty.

It takes about one and half hours to just feed the two girls due to their immaturity, so we spend about all our waking hours feeding and cleaning up the girls after the feeds. Prayers that this soon improves for them are greatly welcomed, they do work so hard to eat. We noticed the other night they seemed to do better and were staying awake a little more after feedings which means that they are not using as much energy to eat and spare a little for socialization.

She said, "Oh, there she is...then pointed to Atty and said, Oh, there she is..." And that was about that. Anneleise said "two" then ran around like she was crazy yelling for "Blue Clues"

Since they have come home things have been to say the least very exhausting and crazy but it is our crazy and exhausting. Anneleise has not been feeling well with teething she just can't get her last two teeth to come in and they are driving the whole family nutty, but really giving her the what for.

I am very shocked and surprised how difficult my recovery this time around was, but I am older and repeat anything means double the healing so I guess it is to be expected, I just forgot to expect it.

I have to admit that I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions of this being our last pregnancy. These girls ending this era of our life.

I have a million and one post to edit and get up, there has been a lot in my mind going on and even more in my heart. A peek into Whitney's World blog will come alive soon, but I know that it will not be for the faint of heart.

I have found myself with this question..."What do you do when all you know is the fight of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss?" You may think that I kicked infertility butt because we have our girls. Blessed? Oh, deed I know how blessed we are, and I will for ever know this. But tonight I struggle with the reality that in the war of infertility, I may have won the battle but it was not with out causalities and loss.

There is a numbness that surrounds me getting off this ride of infertility, a numbness that I have ignored but just recently realized it stole memories and moments from Aubrey and Anneleise's pregnancy and infant days, and I will not let it steal another from these girls.

On that note, we are all doing well and we are just thrilled with Atty and Beka. They are such a joy and a pleasure to care for and love. I want to share everything with anyone who wants to share, but I need to saver the moments, they really so grow so much so fast.

I hope to get a reprieve and get some pictures developed this week and hope I can get another camera cord for my digital then I promise some pictures

Another quickie!

Okay, I have some great pictures but no time, I am thinking that this could be the new theme to this blog.

The latest news is that Beka may come home Sunday, she will be 35 weeks. Atty, of course continues to fill her shoes and create a bite of excitement, she is doing fine and should be okay but has decided to challenge every traditional "preemie" obstacle at least once. Guess we know who she is going to take after.

The only snap in the plan this weekend we had to come home, Anneleise did not do well after our absence for 5 days coming to the hotel and staying there and she had even less interest and tolerance for the long days at the hospital. Not that I don't blame her, if I am not with the girls I don't really care to hang out there either. So we regrouped we are home and tracking down the road each day to be with the girls and get home to be with her in the evenings. She has done better and seems happier on a bigger picture, however this has been a tough week for her so some prayers for her tolerance and forgiveness and patience is in great need. Of course our little one are in need of some prayers that they transition well over the next days and we can soon all get under one roof, safely and in perfect timing that we can find a "groove".

Our pictures are so limited because of the girls being in the NICU A for the first days, it is for high needs and more sensitive babies and they really try to get us crazy folks from flashing and snapping, so now they they are in the NICU B we are able to get better pictures and more of them.

I hope you enjoy them and I hope to get better with the whole photo adding thing so that I can get more on faster!