We haven't fell off the earth yet...

Just a real quickie. We haven't fell off the earth yet.

We are fairing well, the girls Beka and Atty are keeping us very busy, the feeding is a real job but I am not complaining. Being their mother is a real true pleasure.

They of course were allergic to the high calorie formula so after a long night of belly aches and a morning of bloody diapers (yeah I flipped!) they switched them so now they are on soy but of course it has less calories so we are now having to challenge the girls bellys even more by getting all the feeds in and not having to add more volume. It is a science expieriment in it's self, so I won't go in to details, just saying it keeps us both very busy.

I hate to say it but by them being so tiny they look like they are growing so fast already.

I think knowing that these are our last ever babies, I am trying to absorb it all every minute, with Anneleise I think I tried but there was the grief of not having Aubrey that I thought I was there but I guess Iwas absent some times.

I took our film for developing, and of course they can't find it, they said it is there just give them a bit of time to find it...gotta love Walmart. They are a thorn in my side this week, you will have to see Whitney's World later this week for all my issues with Walmart.

Anneleise is just being the best Big sister ever. I have found it odd and funny that she seems to be very selective to Beka. Beka according to my family and Tom's looks very much like Aubrey did just before she was put on to the vent then ECMO. Personally I never got to see her until she was already so swollen and everything started falling apart that I can't really tell. So I wonder does she remember her, Anneleise that is? and is that why she favors Beka than Atty? We brought Beka home first so is that the deal? Atty's monitor has not really cause Anneleise any real issues other than once when it went off, but the other day she found a vcr cord and when I went to look at Atty I noticed that she laid it across her lap like her monitors cords were, so maybe that small monitor is keeping a bond form forming? Who knows, all I know is that she isdoing great, better than I ever expected. She turned 2 this week and we had a wee party yesterday for her, she had a great time and the girls sleep through the whole thing.

I love my girls. Every one of them, however everytime I walked by and saw those two sweet babies sleeping, I just wanted to crawl into bed with them...YAWN>.....

Life is so simple at times however, emotionally this week, strike that this last three weeks have been very emotionally complicated. In many ways it has been so good and I am aw struck with the blessings that I have, however, I am human and I do find myself earning for the love that I don't have, this is my Aubrey, especially as her angel days approached.

I can't not believe how rough I still feel from the section and my abdominal pain has only slightly improved since I was discharged, but the other night as I held the girls I cried like I haven't in a while...I'd do it all again, I'd risk it all for this. My daughters, they are worth every penny, every tear, every fear, every dream gone bad, every hope come true, they tested my faith, they challenged my health, my mind my marriage...but I'd do it all again.

I hope and wish that I can soon get some pictures up but honestly when a moment shows it self that we can take a nap or get a decent amount of sleep, I take it...so the plan is to have pictures and a camera cord this week and pictures up by this weekend.

We have appointment all this week, I finally get into the OB this week for a follow up from the section, yeah 2 weeks late but I only want to see the one and I had to wait. I wanted to go back to my high risk, she offered but the trip would have been a bit hard with all the kids and I really need to address some issues long term with my health with my locals, so I opted not too. The other reason is that I am very sad that our relationship is now over. She and her office was a great source of inspiration and strength, I think I morn the ideas that they really won't be part of Tom's and my life, especially after the last 4 years with them. Of course we will remain friends but we all know that the reality of that is seasonal cards and occasional email, a far cry from the last 4 years. They are one of many persons that through all our journeys have touched us and made our lives better and after time we reflect often on them, so in the end it really is never over.

The girls go to the pediatrician and the pulmonologist this week. Atty has been brady when she has bad feeds, but since changing the formula it has been better, Beka, honestly is really worrying me now she gets a little blue I think during sleep, she chokes so when she starts her feeds that I hope we are not aspirating. I look for her to end up on the monitor when we leave, Atty, well maybe another two weeks then she may be off. My hopes are that no one comes home with anything else. I don't really know what the answer is with the girls gut, they are a mess at this point, Beka has literally ulcers on her diaper rash from the copious amounts of diarrhea and Atty has stopped going except for the "blow out" once a day.

I can't wait to see if the girls make it through the week with nothing major, when we go to the pulmonologist and if the girls clear we may be able to get their pictures done the following week, if not I am going to get a photographer to come in and do them, I just got to get some good pictures before they grow anymore!