A few salvaged pictures...

Yeah you guessed it.

Walmart found the pictures and they exposed the film during processing so we have very little pictures of the birth and the first few days. Yeah, I'm upset. On top of that the hospital pictures are not here yet and when we called , yep, there was a problem there too. We may be able to get a picture of the girls together from the hospital but that will probably be it. If I can get my hands on a cord to my camera I can get some more but, well that will take effort in searching the house and not that it isn't important, but you know it's like this..."it's on the list"...

On that note we ttok off Saturday to get some pictures and I skipped cleaning and cooking and bathing to catch up on the memory making. Oh, well it's just dirt right? Anneleise did not get her pictures done with the girls and for her birthday until Dad is back to work, she can't get away from him and anyone who separates the two, watch out!

I am struggling with getting a groove going, seems that the house hold chaos seems to always demand my attention, learning to ignore it. Yesterday went well in some areas, but there just isn't enough time. Problem with this dirt, dust and clutter is that I am about as close to a OCD person that I can get before being medicated...uggh. I can't give in though these little ones need me and so does Anneleise and the days are just flying by...really this Saturday they were a month 4 weeks old. yeah that causes some anxiety too, heck breathing causes me some anxiety lately.

We haven't fell off the earth yet...

Just a real quickie. We haven't fell off the earth yet.

We are fairing well, the girls Beka and Atty are keeping us very busy, the feeding is a real job but I am not complaining. Being their mother is a real true pleasure.

They of course were allergic to the high calorie formula so after a long night of belly aches and a morning of bloody diapers (yeah I flipped!) they switched them so now they are on soy but of course it has less calories so we are now having to challenge the girls bellys even more by getting all the feeds in and not having to add more volume. It is a science expieriment in it's self, so I won't go in to details, just saying it keeps us both very busy.

I hate to say it but by them being so tiny they look like they are growing so fast already.

I think knowing that these are our last ever babies, I am trying to absorb it all every minute, with Anneleise I think I tried but there was the grief of not having Aubrey that I thought I was there but I guess Iwas absent some times.

I took our film for developing, and of course they can't find it, they said it is there just give them a bit of time to find it...gotta love Walmart. They are a thorn in my side this week, you will have to see Whitney's World later this week for all my issues with Walmart.

Anneleise is just being the best Big sister ever. I have found it odd and funny that she seems to be very selective to Beka. Beka according to my family and Tom's looks very much like Aubrey did just before she was put on to the vent then ECMO. Personally I never got to see her until she was already so swollen and everything started falling apart that I can't really tell. So I wonder does she remember her, Anneleise that is? and is that why she favors Beka than Atty? We brought Beka home first so is that the deal? Atty's monitor has not really cause Anneleise any real issues other than once when it went off, but the other day she found a vcr cord and when I went to look at Atty I noticed that she laid it across her lap like her monitors cords were, so maybe that small monitor is keeping a bond form forming? Who knows, all I know is that she isdoing great, better than I ever expected. She turned 2 this week and we had a wee party yesterday for her, she had a great time and the girls sleep through the whole thing.

I love my girls. Every one of them, however everytime I walked by and saw those two sweet babies sleeping, I just wanted to crawl into bed with them...YAWN>.....

Life is so simple at times however, emotionally this week, strike that this last three weeks have been very emotionally complicated. In many ways it has been so good and I am aw struck with the blessings that I have, however, I am human and I do find myself earning for the love that I don't have, this is my Aubrey, especially as her angel days approached.

I can't not believe how rough I still feel from the section and my abdominal pain has only slightly improved since I was discharged, but the other night as I held the girls I cried like I haven't in a while...I'd do it all again, I'd risk it all for this. My daughters, they are worth every penny, every tear, every fear, every dream gone bad, every hope come true, they tested my faith, they challenged my health, my mind my marriage...but I'd do it all again.

I hope and wish that I can soon get some pictures up but honestly when a moment shows it self that we can take a nap or get a decent amount of sleep, I take it...so the plan is to have pictures and a camera cord this week and pictures up by this weekend.

We have appointment all this week, I finally get into the OB this week for a follow up from the section, yeah 2 weeks late but I only want to see the one and I had to wait. I wanted to go back to my high risk, she offered but the trip would have been a bit hard with all the kids and I really need to address some issues long term with my health with my locals, so I opted not too. The other reason is that I am very sad that our relationship is now over. She and her office was a great source of inspiration and strength, I think I morn the ideas that they really won't be part of Tom's and my life, especially after the last 4 years with them. Of course we will remain friends but we all know that the reality of that is seasonal cards and occasional email, a far cry from the last 4 years. They are one of many persons that through all our journeys have touched us and made our lives better and after time we reflect often on them, so in the end it really is never over.

The girls go to the pediatrician and the pulmonologist this week. Atty has been brady when she has bad feeds, but since changing the formula it has been better, Beka, honestly is really worrying me now she gets a little blue I think during sleep, she chokes so when she starts her feeds that I hope we are not aspirating. I look for her to end up on the monitor when we leave, Atty, well maybe another two weeks then she may be off. My hopes are that no one comes home with anything else. I don't really know what the answer is with the girls gut, they are a mess at this point, Beka has literally ulcers on her diaper rash from the copious amounts of diarrhea and Atty has stopped going except for the "blow out" once a day.

I can't wait to see if the girls make it through the week with nothing major, when we go to the pulmonologist and if the girls clear we may be able to get their pictures done the following week, if not I am going to get a photographer to come in and do them, I just got to get some good pictures before they grow anymore!

No place like home.

Well, we are all home.

First Beka came home on the 25th then her sister Atty followed the next evening. Beka was greeted with a semi interested welcome from her big sister Anneleise. About two hours after Beka was home she recovered and seemed to do better , by the next day she was open and into holding her and loving on her. The 26th was a crazy day after our training for the monitors and the infant CPR and preemie care we got to bring Atty home on a monitor for her apnea or "suspected" apnea and eating troubles. Anneleise was in bed by the time we got home so when she woke up in the morning she came running into our room looking for Beka and was a bit wide eyed when she saw Atty.

It takes about one and half hours to just feed the two girls due to their immaturity, so we spend about all our waking hours feeding and cleaning up the girls after the feeds. Prayers that this soon improves for them are greatly welcomed, they do work so hard to eat. We noticed the other night they seemed to do better and were staying awake a little more after feedings which means that they are not using as much energy to eat and spare a little for socialization.

She said, "Oh, there she is...then pointed to Atty and said, Oh, there she is..." And that was about that. Anneleise said "two" then ran around like she was crazy yelling for "Blue Clues"

Since they have come home things have been to say the least very exhausting and crazy but it is our crazy and exhausting. Anneleise has not been feeling well with teething she just can't get her last two teeth to come in and they are driving the whole family nutty, but really giving her the what for.

I am very shocked and surprised how difficult my recovery this time around was, but I am older and repeat anything means double the healing so I guess it is to be expected, I just forgot to expect it.

I have to admit that I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions of this being our last pregnancy. These girls ending this era of our life.

I have a million and one post to edit and get up, there has been a lot in my mind going on and even more in my heart. A peek into Whitney's World blog will come alive soon, but I know that it will not be for the faint of heart.

I have found myself with this question..."What do you do when all you know is the fight of infertility and pregnancy and infant loss?" You may think that I kicked infertility butt because we have our girls. Blessed? Oh, deed I know how blessed we are, and I will for ever know this. But tonight I struggle with the reality that in the war of infertility, I may have won the battle but it was not with out causalities and loss.

There is a numbness that surrounds me getting off this ride of infertility, a numbness that I have ignored but just recently realized it stole memories and moments from Aubrey and Anneleise's pregnancy and infant days, and I will not let it steal another from these girls.

On that note, we are all doing well and we are just thrilled with Atty and Beka. They are such a joy and a pleasure to care for and love. I want to share everything with anyone who wants to share, but I need to saver the moments, they really so grow so much so fast.

I hope to get a reprieve and get some pictures developed this week and hope I can get another camera cord for my digital then I promise some pictures

Another quickie!

Okay, I have some great pictures but no time, I am thinking that this could be the new theme to this blog.

The latest news is that Beka may come home Sunday, she will be 35 weeks. Atty, of course continues to fill her shoes and create a bite of excitement, she is doing fine and should be okay but has decided to challenge every traditional "preemie" obstacle at least once. Guess we know who she is going to take after.

The only snap in the plan this weekend we had to come home, Anneleise did not do well after our absence for 5 days coming to the hotel and staying there and she had even less interest and tolerance for the long days at the hospital. Not that I don't blame her, if I am not with the girls I don't really care to hang out there either. So we regrouped we are home and tracking down the road each day to be with the girls and get home to be with her in the evenings. She has done better and seems happier on a bigger picture, however this has been a tough week for her so some prayers for her tolerance and forgiveness and patience is in great need. Of course our little one are in need of some prayers that they transition well over the next days and we can soon all get under one roof, safely and in perfect timing that we can find a "groove".

Our pictures are so limited because of the girls being in the NICU A for the first days, it is for high needs and more sensitive babies and they really try to get us crazy folks from flashing and snapping, so now they they are in the NICU B we are able to get better pictures and more of them.

I hope you enjoy them and I hope to get better with the whole photo adding thing so that I can get more on faster!

A real quickie...

The girls are here.

They are the most beautiful little beings I have seen other than my Aubrey and Anneleise. Yes I am partial, but they are adorable.

I am also very over whelmed, Anneleise is over whelmed, Tom is a walking Zombie and our nieces who are 18 and 12 are keeping our lives running right now, so that should tell you something.

They are dealing with the typical preemie obstacles...but doing very well considering some obstacles that we didn't even knew existed.

If i was a fortune teller I would tell me that Atty will be our handful, already she is a hand full. Her eyes stare into your soul. Our Beka, well I think she will be the silent sweet wrapping everyone around her finger kind. She has the cutest little grin. Anneleise...well, she is our funny happy loving sweet baby who gave the the love and courage to want, work and fight for Atty and Beka. Our dear forever baby Aubrey, well she is our reminder of the power of love, faith and that we can make it where ever we want to be and our love for her will never change.

Saturday to Sunday was tough, we held our twin girls Sunday morning...our life is good and we are at peace for our family. There have been some scarey moments but they are doing so well.

The girls are taking everything we have time wise and my section although went well is causing me much more physical complications this time around so be patient I promise I will get some good stuff up soon.

Drum roll please...

It has been decided.

It is official, engraved items have been ordered.

Our girls will be called

Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee Priller (Beka)

and

Brennah Atlynd Brooke Priller (Atty)

Now that this has been decided, they may come when they are ready. This was hard this time, especially knowing that we will not get to have anymore children. Tom fought a good fight and frankly I did give in way more than I thought I would, however I do think he is taking advantage of the fact I am not feeling well and on a lot of medications. But in the end I am happy with the choices, I did so want Rowan and I really am not that on board with Brennah, but I think it will grow with me once I have a face to put with it.

What is up?

Well the good thing is my liver values weren't so I got to stay home another day ~ yeah!

Now if I could get the itching under control.

We are off tot he doctors in the morning , an early appointment. Things have been insanely crazy here, we have had storms and everything that needed to get done is getting done today.

NOT!

Things that need to get done are getting done. Big difference.

I don't really know what is going on but the girls have been less active and things have been really different today. My cervix had began to shorten (for me) but was far from dilation as of our last visit, however I wouldn't be surprised if things are really different in the morning.

Maybe I am just hopeful at this point that it would happen in the morning. I really don't want the pregnancy to be over. Can you believe that I typed that?

But really I don't. I really wanted to saver this pregnancy and enjoy some of the fun things that come with having babies. I don't have any pictures of me pregnant really or really any mementos.

Strike that if the stretch marks and extra padding don't disappear then I do have a good bit of that!

I can't believe that Anneleise will have sisters (on earth) this weekend. That she will not be our only child in our house. That we did it. We are having two more little girls.

With all the stress and worry, I really did just simply forget that we are so blessed, down right lucky to have our girls, even more lucky to have had our angel, Aubrey has made us appreciate our girls 10 times fold.

Well, here is to another and the last doctor appointment of the pregnancy.

We need a lot of prayers.

Pray that the girls are healthy as can be for 33 weeks and 6 days. That our sugars even out quickly and pose no risks to them or me. Pray that I can handle the epidural, it works and I can mentally make it through the section. Pray that Anneleise , never thinks I don't love her and that she doesn't hate me for bring two siblings home. Pray that the girls get to come home in a timely manner with little or no intervention and medications. Pray that our family travels safely to and from the hospital, that they get to enjoy the birth. Pray that Tom can handle the load placed upon him. Pray that as he started his FMLA, we can financially survive until he goes back to work and we have no major disasters.

Pray that our babies are going to be healthy. No surprises.

I'm sure there are a million things I should be asking help for in prayer but those are what are consuming my thoughts right now so feel free to add to the list.

Waiting on results.

Went to the docs this morning, waiting on the results, they will call in the morning. If things are good on my end we will go to the docs on Thursday and get all situated and delivery is Saturday at 9:30!

If things are getting hairy by the blood work then we go Tuesday, then there is sudden nature and my water breaks and we go before anyway.

The babies are looking good they say, I'm not, they didn't have to tell me that there is enough fluid to sink a boat on board...

Am I scared, oh yeah, am I ready I guess, better now than later, do I want to think about the next 4 days...na I wish I could just go off somewhere. But ah yes there are things to do like get my daughter well, yeah Anneleise has taken to a case of either poison ivy/oak or and athletes feet...ah, the trials of parenthood.

I'm getting really scared about the health of the girls and their conditions and then there is the whole section thing. I did okay with the girls last time but I feel so horrible now that I can't imagine surgery helping anything.

Pray for me and the babies, and Tom and please pray that the change isn't too much for Anneleise. Oh dear I just thought about her not being a only child after Saturday...how crazy is that?

I have wanted this for ever for us and for her, hope she is as appreciative.

Yet anothr update...

Since I am typing this I'm sure you are able to come to the conclusion that I am not in the hospital in a coma.

I pay a very good high risk doctor and dang it, she knows her stuff. The fluid is better on both of the girls, baby "a" belly is looking a lot better she lost two weeks of measurements of the belly in 4 days. Baby "b" is doing well also.

We are going to continue the insulin on a sliding scale, rest and working on some pain management on the adhesion's for me, at best I can give another week, with divine intervention...two.

She has promised me that if I get to the 27th of July our 34th week she will call the hospital and end this uphill battle.

In order for this to happen my sugar and the girls fluid and sugar has to remain stable and there is always the chance that I go into labor and we can't stop it then that will be the day!

It's 12:40 am...

do you know where your fetus's are?

Mine are hanging in here with me, driving me mad. Mad I tell you.

"A" it knocking to come out, and "b", well she just want to get her two cents in. Honestly, these two will probably need tethers to just make it out.

I'm going to the docs at 1:00 tomorrow, Not a moment too soon either, I am itching to death and they are hammering me with contractions.

Something has to give or I need to be induced...into a coma that is.

Another update, another plan.

I'm home.

I'm feeling really foul.

They took 100 cc's off baby "b", wanted to do the same for "a" but honestly I couldn't handle it, we had this done for Aubrey in our last pregnancy, however this time I guess with adhesion's and both of them having more fluid it was way more hurtful.

She was happy with the one, the fluid was clear and looked go. For about 4 hours it felt good, gave me some relieve, however I can feel it building up again already.

We are now on a sliding insulin scale. I am not very happy of this, and i just pray that my kidneys are not effected from all of this as well as my pancreas and liver. Yggh.

The girls looked good, very very active.

The new plan is to make it till Monday. Then we will see. There is talk, and I mean only talk that this week will be the week.

I don't want to get my hopes up and I do want the babies to be safe, but ohhhh how sweet it would be for them to move out...just the idea of it gives me a glimmer of hope.

It is getting very hard to get ready for them, the discomfort is 24 hours 7 dys a week now and frankly just functioning is all I can do, I don't feel like I am getting any bonding or preparation for them to arrive, makes me a bit sad. I just sit around alone while Tom entertains and keeps Anneleise busy, and seems the only talk about the babies is what is going on with their health and mine. The big whoop is going to the doctors and maybe tothe store, which ends up with me ditting in the car while Tom finishes the shopping. No normal fun pregnancy stuff this pregnancy either.

Guess some people get to celebrate a pregnancy and some just have their babies. Best case senerio this time arund is we get to have our babies. Really in the grand scheme of things that is all we wanted anyway, a little fun and excitement would help the stress of all this though.

Update.

Sugar is higher now since on insulin. Belly is way whoo! bigger and tighter and the babies go thorugh periods of frantic activity then nothing.


Are you seeing a pattern yet? Well for those who are a bit slow let me help you. These babies need to come out.

After 2 hours of interrupted sleep last night we are on the way to the doctors this morning.

Who knows what has happens since Tuesday, what is happening today...Lord only knows what is in store.

Oh yeah, we need some prayers.

I really have a gut fear that there is something wrong with the babies that we don't know.

Paranoid? Hope so.

Tick tock...

Yeah that is the sound that is resignating in my head as I type this.

Today, actually last night the straw that broke the camels back was laid upon me.

We went to the maternal fetal specialist early this am and as the title states...we are buying minutes.

Congratulate me, I can now add insulin dependant pregnancy induced insulin resistance diabetes to my resume of issues. New adhesion's thick enough to be seen via ultrasound, which is frightening in itself and two little babies who bellies can't not get any bigger and who's fluid (amino) is at the upper levels of safe i think 23 something that they can't empty their bladders well.

So here is the newest plan.

Pray to the Lord that we can make it to the 28th. This is like two weeks. I will be 34 weeks and there is basically a 90 % chance of survival among these births at this time period with few if any long term repercussions and delays. The over all hospital stay will be quite less than if we deliver this week.

I started insulin ~ NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS...but what is a mother to do? Please pray that this will help reduce the amount of fluid in the amino sacs or at best slowdown the production of the amino fluid. Please add in your prayers that my body is not over effected in a long term manner from this "temporary" treatment.

We started Indocine again. This is our last 48 hours to use this for fluid reduction and contractions. In the past is has helped each time the benefits are reduced we are hoping and praying to at least get 48 to 72 hours of calmness out of it, buying us almost another week.

I return on Friday the 11th. If the fluid is not any better or is worse we will began therapeutic amniocentesis. Pray that this is a last resort or a one time deal and that it does not bring on labor and or ruptured membranes.

Pray that our babies who are starting to feel the effects of all the meds and the cocktails to protect their immune systems, enhance the lung growth and the sugar does not allow our babies to be over large, unhealthy and please pray that we are not being dealt any unknown soft tissues defects.

Pray that I find the temperament , the patience and the strength to make it through this and have the strength and ability to recover quickly and care for the family I have struggled and worked so hard to have my whole life.

Pray that some how we can work it out that I can remain home with Anneleise until the delivery in a safe manner that me or the babies are not in jeopardy. I really am trying to get some special time with her but she has decided to choose this month to spread her wings, grow an attitude, become obsessively needy with her father and have an very distinctive opinion and idea of what she wants, she however still has chosen to only use verbal communication at her convenience...ugggh. My heart breaks because I love her so. I cried for three hours last night because she got her first butt whipping from me. She wouldn't look at me for about an hour. I felt like crap, she made me feel like crap but she really did need to get the reality check...this is the part of momma~hood that I could assign to someone else.

August the 1st is Tom's and I 10th Anniversary, if we would deliver we would be able to say that we completed our family after 11 years to the day of trying and loss. Through all of this, the loss of our Aubrey, the struggles and bitter sweetness of Anneleise, the tribulations and stress of these two girls...I already know that it was and has been worth every minute.

The 28th is Tom's birthday. I wouldn't really like for that to be the girls birthday too, however I think it would be just what Tom would want. He loves his girls...and too have two healthy babies laid in his arms on that day after our 11 years trying to get here...Wow.

Personally this weekend won't be soon enough, each moment is frighten, I have so much worry and concern that is almost consuming me, my weakness such as patience and dysfunction and non-multi tasked people are testing each and every morsel of my being.

For the record though..my doc and her staff has rocked, and I couldn't imagine being here with out them...so continue to keep them in your prayers for us as the are faced with new challenges each day with our pregnancy.

I pray also that we are given guidance with choosing our girls names, for some reason know that these are our lst we are having a hard time committing.

SO, there you have it. This is what crap when it hits the fan looks like when written on paper...just be thankful you don't have that Wonka vison screens and you'd have the smell we have....it isn't pleasant.

Kaboom.

Rumor has it that is what the fourth of July sounded like.

Wouldn't know we were home in bed by 9 ish. Anneleise didn't like the fireworks and her and Tom came home and she was out like a light.

The girls didn't like the storm that washed through here this weekend they have been crazy and I have been contracting like crazy.

Oh, how I want them to be safe and healthy, but it is truly getting harder each day. I am trying not to think about it, however constant contractions are a reminder I can't over look. The terbutaline is getting my sugar so high and making me feel crappy at best.

I have to say to feel this bad I wonder truly if my babies are okay. I am starting to have a lot of anxiety over the condition of the girls. I hope and pray that it is all nothing and will be senseless worry on my part.

Prayers needed.

Some for the babies, they are getting tight, really big thanks to the sugar, the meds and little to no activity and they still need a good three weeks to grow.

I go the next three Wednesdays. The last we will evaluate if we are still here. Here as in the cervix is still good, the blood pressure remains good, the sugar doesn't stop things like my kidneys from working, the girls continue to pass the biophysical and somewhere I hope my mental state can be entered into the equation. I am home still and will continue to work on that goal of staying home.

Some for me. I love them, I will fight to the end for them, but they are slowly ripping me apart.

Some for our life. Chaos in forward motion is a minor understatement. Way too much to do, so not enough time to do it in. Pray that I see the "what needs done" from the "wish was done" from the " should be done".

Pray that my lovely doctor find the continued strength to put up with me and my personality which on a good day is tolerable, on a bad day pathetic and in about another week will be relatively "wicked".

Someone should pray for Tom. Today Tom is the father to our children. That is all the billing he is getting. He needs some energy, strength and wisdom...mainly just enough of wisdom to say very little after about 6:00pm and nothing before 9:00 am. I do feel a bit for him, I have not felt well for almost 6 weeks now and really it is probably getting old.

Hey, I said I do feel a bit for him, I didn't say I felt sorry for him...I pray for him and for us and for my family...

The news of three weeks 21 day countdown did get things moving, Tom kicked it into gear and the nursery is so very close to getting done, we are really cramped for space but i am trying to keep a twin bed in the room for the first months until the girls sleep through the night. This is okay it just looks a little cluttered and I do seem to get annoyed with clutter so I need to let this go and just be happy with the success of one evening in the room working and his progress.

It is official, the names will be decided this weekend.

Update.

I'm still pregnant.

I love my babies and will continue this fight to keep them in.

They, these girls are insanely active.

They are grounded until they are at least 12 years old.

Enough said.

No news is not good news.

This is long, not nice and really shows probably the worse side of my personality so read with the idea of getting some entertainment out of it, and take heart that no matter what this pregnant hormonal fluid retentive bed rested women says....she would do anything for her children in or out of the uterus.

Okay my lovely high risk doctor takes the call from the home monitoring company at 2:00 am this morning because my contractions are rocking and they have maxed me out on the Trebutaline. They have no other options, what should we do? My pulse was 131 so no more of Trebutaline tonight.

She calls back, we were hoping to avoid this but I started the Procardia (a heart medication) because the option of Indocine is fading. Indocine makes you or at least me, feel like crapola...capital "C" but it does calm things. I think an Indocine could calm even the most hyper child in the world. Use of Indocine for very long, like 2 days can cause the hole in the babies heart (one that is supposed to be there until birth then it is to close) to close in utero. This would be very bad, also using it after like 31-32 weeks isn't recommended so Procardia has been added to the "be good uterus" cocktail.


The benefit is that the headache I got from the Indocine and the Mag was way worse and after a few days this one should die down...you know your body gives in and just stops fighting the effect of the medications.


As much as my frustration and concern is about the health of our girls, potential problems with my health I am equally upset of how today was handled, which in retrospect is not much different in the past except we are paddling uphill so to speak right now trying to buy some time and I feel our high risk doctor was done wrongly today too.

She was very and has been very compassionate about this concern, I really think that she was the most surprised to see this whole situation that occurred over the Memorial week being that we had no issues with me in the pregnancy itself with our first set of twins. Other than a very horrible birth defect taking our daughters life, the pregnancy was uneventful for twins and my age. Losing Aubrey is not something we take lightly, it is a huge issue in this pregnancy because of just the emotions of losing her itself, so when I say we really had no issues, I mean in the sense of getting them here in a safe and timely manner.

She suggested and requested that since I had not again rest for 24 hours, being tired isn't good either that we could avoid the 1 hour and 35 minute ride to and then back if we could see our local OB/GYN and they/us touch base with some answers and then go from there, her request were to have them check my cervical length, the girls fluid etc. There is a question again if I am, or was, "leaking fluid", I'm not ruptured because with the amount of fluid the girls have right now if I had a rupture one of the sacs, well it would be similar to one of the levees breaking in Iowa right now...sorry that was probably not the best thing I could have compared it too, however the cervix attached to this girls uterus is holding in a boat load of fluid!

We did as requested, they saw me right away.
They as in the the "one" I don't care for, the "one" that I have to say a prayer for before I see him, the "one" that I have to pray for myself control so I don't slap him stupid...err...stupidier, if that isn't a word it should be because he just gets dumber each visit.

I pee'd on a stick, I think she may have turned it over and looked before she tossed it, weighed me ~ gain of 4 pounds in three days (hello flag! we are poly amino I have only gain 11 to date until this week...took my blood pressure with the skinny person cuff on a pleasantly plump pregnant lady's arm.

He looked for my fluid sac vaginally, what the?...he said," it is intact"
I asked, "both are?"
I was told there is no real way of knowing with twins only by the first in line..."there is no dilation," so upon his educated evaluation...this is nothing, but stay on the drugs.

Then only by the grace of God did I not stroke out with a blood pressure issue be cause with a smirk...he acted like he was offering me some new wave techno device and solving all my problems by whipping out the hand doppler and saying, " Wanna hear the heartbeats"?

Upon the sound of a heartbeat he smiled and said " Awe, there is a healthy baby".

He moved it over about 4 inches and said "that one is healthy too..."
Again not being the ignorant hick he must think I am, I asked, "are these two different heart beats"?

I was told again by him again "it is just hard to tell." "You never really know....you know with twins."

This is really when I just wanted to slap the man off this earth.

Our daughter Aubrey's heart sounded perfect each and every time, matter of fact in utero she was amazingly healthy and active and responsive and the epitome of the perfect fetus...ah except that her heart was on the wrong side of her body, she only had a half of lung, her guts uterus included grew in her chest and she never grew a rectum...she had probably 100 ultrasound alone for just her and 3 MRI's and each time her condition worsened or they found something else, so only by ultrasound did we know where we were in the game plan to get her help...but enough of that back to today... yeah Professor Jerk I'll take "Awe, there is a healthy baby" to ease all my fear and concerns....honestly.

I really thought at this point Tom was going to step in and tell him that there is a way of knowing called ultrasound and since we pay all the bills and never owed them a penny maybe he could get out of his own way and get one done...I could see it in his face however I know for a fact it would not have came out in any manner close to that. He wants a new OB/GYN to deliver if we make it past 32 ~34 weeks. I want my high risk doctor or someone she refers I think.


Long story made longer...I left there called the High risk doctor and she fixed it all and I will see her Wednesday...yeah they actually asked me if that office had a ultrasound machine in the office, because we really needed to see if the cervix has shorten, if there was fluid in the canal, if the fluid was lower higher and then seen both reactive babies....so yeah doc holiday this is something that you can't do with an uncomfortable pelvic exam, therefore not only did you not respect the help your peer was offering ~ let me remind you of what she has been doing...you know avoiding a high risk delivery in a moments notice, taking all the midnight calls , all the bleeds and the hospital admissions, doing all the medicine paper , the FMLA paperwork and the home monitoring responsibility...ring a bell? You doc rubbed me the "momma" the wrong way.

I told the my high risk doctor "I guess they were conserving energy and didn't want to turn it on."

I love my regular OB/GYN but I never can get in to see him when we need him so I always meet up with this guy.

One of my biggest issues that these items were requested by her for her purpose, not a plot to get a much desired ultrasound peek of our babies that most normal women desire...yeah a peek would have made me feel at ease but face it is an ultrasound it is a quick fix, things can change in a minute so there is very little long term comfort from one, personally that is. Secondly, I question "Is his ego getting in the way of our babies safety"? Thirdly, he thinks or at least treats me like I am an idiot. For the record I am not an idiot but I am my own advocate and the only one my babies have until they are out and their father can share the load.

So there it is folks...the vent...the vent and the injustice. I have been praying for all day not to resort to name calling and childish ranting however...drugged sleepless and very bloated and really not liken many males ...what is a women in my shape to do?

Well, I'm going to bed. After all my only problem is I am pregnant! Him, well that I think is going to have to be someone else . Jerk.

Oh, yeah there is another post on my site, www.apeekintowhitneysworld.blogspot.com that I think should probably go here, however it too is a male bashing, hormonal end of my rope thought and really I think this one will take the ratings down on my site alone so I best spread the love.... By the way if you are wondering what we need help in....oh I would probably lean toward patience and silence and sudden acts of kindness.....oh yeah and two healthy babies. That is all.

I'm Late, I'm Late...

Much like the Mad Hatter in Alice and Wonderland, I have a million things that need finished and a million to start and very little time, money, help to do it in.

Umph.

Sorry about my luck? Yeah me too. This weekend has yet been another week of hard work keeping these two inside. Someone wants out, I think she may win.


If I can make it to next week I will be shocked. Today although I'm not supposed to be doing much I moved all over the house, I couldn't sit or lay still for very long. Never having true labor with the girls, I did have some pre term labor and know the difference but let me tell you ...these are the real thing, the real McCoy, genuine Bill Cosby's definition of labor pains.

I know I will still be here next week, there are too many people working on this project and more options we have resorted too to think we are at the end yet, however, there is a very ashamed side of me (the one experiencing all the pain from adhesion's, high amino fluid on both the girls, and sickness from the medications) that would like to just say "I'm done." "They have to be better off out than in , how can I feel so horrible and they still thrive and remain safe?"

With prayer and my previous experience in the NICU and medical field I know and will continue to fight to keep them where they need to be. I'm not kidding though, between 32 and 34 weeks if no one has shown their faces yet...they are getting served an eviction notice and it won't be the nice kind either...their placenta's and all are out on the curb!

I'm hoping that things calm, I have to go to the Dr's in the morning now due to all the activity tonight so maybe, my outlook will be revived and I could at least give the girls a week notice before booting their precious little bums out.

Get this...

So this is it, the top picture in the yellow shirt is me the day before I gave birth to Aubrey and Anneleise. They were 37 weeks and 2 days/ Aubrey had way too much fluid, Anneleise has just barely to get buy till delivery.

The bottom picture, the green shirt is me at 28 weeks and 3 days. They both have more fluid than they should, we hope this will be resolved this week with some medications and of course...more bed rest! Whooaaaa! Being an over achiever by nature, I think I should go ahead and try to let this one go. I really can't imagine getting any bigger than I was with the girls , but with all the steroids and medication that I wasn't on the last time...these girls are going to be bigger so if for some reason I make it to 37 weeks and 2 days.....Whooaaa!

That's all I have to say on this topic.

A peek of the girls...

As I have said, baby A is so very low and all bunched up that we hardly ever get to see much other than her ear and her rump...although cute we wish we could she her face like on baby B. So this is our best shots this week.

Whoot, Whoot! we are approaching 28 weeks! Prayers for 32 weeks will get us to deliver about one hour and half closer to home and healthy babies...although the care at Adventist was wonderful it is going to be hard to travel especially with the price of gas.

Our latest pictures!

Taking them for a spin.

Trying out these names for a few days.....

Rebekka Emmaleigh Rowan Priller (aka baby A)

and

Brennah Elizabeth Maycee Priller (aka baby B)

Any suggestions or ideas we haven't mentioned?

Pictures coming soon!

I had a good appointment with the high risk doctor yesterday and I just wanted to let everyone know that he prayers are being heard, and things are doing well for the babies. I hope to update better and in more detail but for the moment we are just wiped out. Anneleise has gotten a horrible little virus that has had her very sick since Saturday and after a 16 hour ER visit she was admitted.

Ugh my Priller blessings....what can I say.

Everything is hanging the same with little bed rest over the last four days my blood pressure now is creeping and the contraction are stronger but they have reduced in number and the bleeding has stopped.

My kidney function has all but became manageable now to work on the out of control sugars and nausea.

They girls are 2.6 and 2.8 give or take a bit and very, very active. My doctor said, "my prayers for you are getting answered,but back on bed rest you hear!"

Again lets continue to hope and pray for the 31 week and that my "Toxoplasmosis" is negative. On Mothers day Anneleise gave me a horrible mess for Mothers Day and finger painted my bathroom wall with litter and had it everywhere, we both are being tested being that she has gotten so very sick over the last four days with an "unknown" virus. For me this could prove to bring more worry but at least it is known. Go figure.

Out baby "a" is so stubborn, so was Anneleise, we have hardly no pictures of her with Ultrasound, the tech has tried with these girls and no real luck all I know about her is that she has a cute ear, a chubby rump and has no trouble touching her toes!, of course I have amazing pictures of our baby "b".

Again, the financial stress of the the last week has used our monies up to prepare for the girls this week so hopefully there will be extras soon and as for names we are getting close.

Where on the map are we?

Well, it has been a two weeks for sure.

I am home. This is good. We have with medications and a home pump and monitor system got the contractions down to a minimal as of this morning. This alone is a reason for praise.

Since the contractions and the uterine irritability has improved over the last 24 hours so has the amount of medications that I have had to use so this too will over all help my sugar and my kidneys which the last two weeks have wrecked havoc on.

I go back to the local OB/GYN on Tuesday. The the high risk on Wednesday, we are thinking that they may cancel the Tuesday if the home nursing company continues to feel good about the girls activity and heart rates and the bleed continue to diminish and contractions stay at bay.

Yeah I know there are many factors that dictate each and every hour in our house right now.

Mentally I wasn't expecting this at this point, trying to still wrap my head around everything and in the mean time prepare for a premature birth.

Our prayer list is long and for many people who directly and indirectly are part of our care. Please if you can read over them and include us in your prayers.

Thank you to Carole who is just a great mom and person for checking on me as well as all our well wishers who left us messages. Knowing that your not alone is comforting.

~ Things we are Praying for~

Our short term goal is to remain pregnant this coming week making us 27 weeks on Friday. Ultimately asking that the Lord lets theses babies come into the world when it is best for them and me, he is the ultimate physician and he has a plan.

We hope for better kidney function and better sugar control, less uterine contractions and no more fever or amino leaks so that the babies can continue to grow safely in me.

Please pray that Tom, who is doing a great job, can continue to handle the stress and worry of the financial burden this has placed on us, that he can continue to work until the girls get here and keep the house at best running.

Pray that our daughter Anneliese continues to adjust, recovers from the flu/virus she woke up with this morning and in her heart knows that we love her son much that our absence and tension is not a reflection toward her.

Pray that our family and friends can again continue to help us physically with Anneliese's care and mine, that they find the strength and softness in their hearts not to feel burdened or annoyed by our needs.

Pray that the team of doctors on board can continue to monitor this pregnancy and keep me home until delivery, that they do not become discourage and listens in silence as the Lord works through them to help us.

Pray that the team of nurses at Hagerstown Hospital and Adventist Rockville as well as the Ambulance transport teams continue to do the wonderful caring jobs that they do and provided to me over the last weeks. Kind, gentle and compassionate care is not always an easy quality to come by and I was blessed with it all at all three places.

A special prayer for our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who has been incredibly kind and compassionate and personable with us through all out anxieties and stress and fear. May she continue to have the kind hand the wise mind and knowledge to get us to a safe place for the girls to arrive.

For now this our major concerns. Our ultimate goal is to make it to July 4th week. Any time past that would just be wonderful, and short of miraculous. We pray that ultimately we bring both of our girls home,, safe and healthy, that we as a family will be together with little separation and trauma. We pray that my health continue to improve and that my recovery will be short and non-complicated.

Our priorities have changed, but of course, and our goal this weekend to prepare for the girls arrival is to find their names and make our final decisions.

As painfully hard as this is and took for ever for Aubrey and Anneliese, we feel compelled to have them for certain so they are named at the birth just case of the outcomes, which we are trying to avoid thinking of.

We pray that the Lord does not have planned that we lose another of our babies.

Update for Whitney...

Whitney asked that I update all on the current situation. Monday, May 19th Whitney was admitted to the hospital for hemoraging and pre-term labor. She was taken via ambulance to Rockville, MD where she remains in the hospital on complete bedrest.

Whitney is 25 weeks pregnant today. All tests indicate the babies are fine but the contractions continued so they have put Whitney on a Tributalene (spelling?) pump among a multitude of other things to try and speed up the maturity of the babies.

The doctors believe the bleeding is coming from the not so old c-section incision in the uterus. As long as contractions stay at a minimum and bleeding stops she may be able to come home Sunday. She will remain on the pump and they will call her when her contractions increase so she knows to up the Tributalene.

Long story short...she needs to carry the babies at least 3 more weeks. So this is a request for additional prayer from all who may be praying for them.

Beth (Whitney's sister)

Good news!

So far so good.

There was nothing detected with the girls hearts, the specialist got great views and saw everything he needed to very easily.

Huge relief. This is a minor understatement.

We saw the girls, they are very active, we are having contractions like crazy...I tell you I am sure that these two are going to be our "party" girls they move and wiggle none stop, love the camera already and I am ashamed to say since I have gotten pregnant with them I have struggled, fought and forced my self to avoid all my cravings which have been ...dark beer, cigs, gin and lime tonics, Maryland crabs.

I can taste the beer in the grocery store and normally I can't stand the smell of cig smoke even though I am a reformed smoker but it smells wonderful right now.

We are looking at the week of the August the 8th if we make it, wow!

I think I may take a few deep breaths and just start getting ready.

Prayers are needed though, we still have at least 11 weeks to go and as we know things can fall apart quickly, but then things can work out some times too.

I hope to get some better pictures soon, our tech was concentrating on organs and anatomy so there was little cute shots. Oh but one, they are both girls...for sure!

The plan.

Well, the plan was over the last four weeks to hang tight, and wait for our ECHO appointment. According to this plan I have done just that. We go for the babies ECHO's in the morning.

I have gotten pretty good at this numb thing and I can hardly believe the time has gone by like it has. Ghee, have you checked out the numbers at the top of the screen lately?

I'm a bit panicky in the idea that we have such a small time to prepare for these two little girls arrival. Waiting for the other shoe to drop has defiantly left me behind and stressed.

If we make it through tomorrows appointment with no horrible news then for the most part I think we are doing really good and things are as positive as they can be. Upon that , the baby overdrive will commence.

I don't know if having twins has anything to do with this or not but I have been a cleaning friend over the last two weeks, so maybe you do nest early for multiples...uhm. All I know is that at this rate I will be exhausted when they get here.

I have been having a good deal of "adhesion" pain over the last two weeks. Regular OBGYN says things are fine, probably are but I'm glad I am seeing the babies tomorrow.

I haven't asked for many prayers as of lately, but we still need them, especially the babies and me. This journey has proven to be a little harder emotionally than I had imagined, it is all good, but I have had some unexpected emotions and the feeling of loneliness that I wasn't expecting.

Trying hard not to get excited and hopes up is the hardest, sucks really, but I feel like I have to live for the moment so to speak. It is getting harder as they grow and my love for them grows, I don't like the feeling of numbness I have allowed myself to have and I will work on that after the appointment this week.

The babies names...don't ask. Good news is that with much personal sacrifice and negotiation I have been able to eliminate three of Tom's faves...Heidi and Daphne and Veronica, not that they are bad ones they are just ones after weeks of repeating I just can't see one of our children fitting.

Latest favorites...
Rebekkah Elizabeth Rowan Priller
Ellaleigh Arden Jeanette Priller
Kennedy

I feel compelled to voice my prayer tonight.

"Lord in all your wisdom and knowledge please direct my thoughts and paths so that I be a better servant to you and through you find the strength in which you know I need. Forgive my distance as protection for my heart, because through you Lord I know that I am just another in the palm of your hand and you carry me at all times. Thank you Lord for all my blessings and these two precious gifts. Please Lord help me with my negative and fearful thoughts as they use and waste our time as well create mischief. Amen."

Yes, it really is that simple, just ask and he does provide.

I had a dream.

Maybe this worked for Martin Luther King, however it is not working for me.

My dreams are very detailed, very exhausting and some times , well more than not, very disturbing.

Being of strong will, I won't let myself think and go places while awake so I think my mind has decided to kidnap my brain for the night shift.

I have dreamt everything from financial ruin, Tom leaving me, to there being two boys not two girls as they are telling us, to me dying after the birth. The there is the one where Anneleise takes the babies and flushes them down the toilet. This isn't really a dream after thinking of this for several days and watching her, I think this may be more of a premonition. I dreamt the other night that after the babies were born the next day I gained 100 pounds and was too tired and sick to care for the babies and Anneleise. I woke up to shortness of breath. I dreamt that I had to have back surgery and when I was waking up from the surgery they said we had one girl the other didn't survive. When I finally woke up my back was killing me.

So yeah for some the dreaming in pregnancy is great, enlightening, humorous...for me it is where fear resides, and things I don't think unimaginable , happen. So.

I have to sleep but I will have to allow myself to deal with unimaginable during the day light in hopes that the night life settles down.

this stinks because not many get the ideas that I get in my head, the worry and the fears I have. Everyone, well not everyone, but mostly everyone just thinks that I should be in prenatal bliss. I am, I just wished I could win the lottery, solve world hunger, fix the gas price war, end the whole world war and get my floors clean for more than an afternoon before the babies get here.

When we were plagued with one bad doctor visit after another and surrounded but nothing but bad news I felt that I had a great support system and everyone wanted to listen and help me through it, now that things are pretty much normal..."normal" as they call it, I feel very alone, even with Tom.

I have got to realize and experience some of the "normal" things that pregnant women go through, and when there is no flags, I think they are very isolated in a sense, especially in the light of what all happens to your mind, body and health during a pregnancy. So for those pregnant moms out there who hear a pin drop when they need to talk. Got it, get it, not really liking it, but what do we do now. Here is to us. I'm thinking that in the end I will discover that all the frustration and inner conversations with yourself during a pregnancy is what will make you scary and people tremble in your shadow during your labor, so all in all in the end, they will listen to you, it was their choice to wait till the last moment to hear 9 months worth.

The game.

Whoa, we both can add stamina to our list of traits that we have learnt since the conception and birth of our daughters...

Thinking that I was the stronger of the two of us, I forsake the love and devotion that Tom has as father to his children and the name game is really not even half as much fun as the last time we played it.

I think that I may win on Emmaleigh Rowan or Amelia Rowan or Eliza Rowan Jeanette, however I may have to slide and let Heidi in the mix somewhere.

In the grand scheme of things I don't have the stamina that I thought I had, i just want these two little girls to get here safe and sound. I want to end our pregnancy worries, nightmares, stress, financial exhorting. I feel like I can't even imagine what it will be like to have a tiny baby in my arms again, not to have to leave someone behind. I have some pictures of Anneleise and I , I have some memories but honestly it was all a blur...a bittersweet dream with some Shakespearean tragedies in the story. I can't remember where I have been sometimes. I look at Anneleise and I almost shocked she is mine.

The road to her and her sister was so long, so hard so endless. I am stronger this time, but stronger in a way that isn't good, I shouldn't be able to stare fear in the face and say boo!, to walk right into it with little respect but cower in the shadows of the new life I have inside of me right now.

I think it has happen, I have done all I can but it happened. I have fell in love with my daughters. I want them to have names, I am getting excited for their arrival, way so overwhelmed, but very excited.

Things are good, right?

Well the office visit went well. We got to see some crazy pictures of our daughters. Yeap, there are two girls lurking in there causing all the havoc.

Baby "a" was opening her mouth and kicking her sister. Far different than our last pregnancy where our Baby "b" took over the womb, hey who's kidding my body too and ruled her sister. Baby "b" we got great pictures of her feet and hands, she is very active also, a bit more shy than "a". Baby "a"as of Friday has taken on a better position. Baby "b" is just hanging out, already very high up in my gut.

The visit wouldn't be a visit if there was not something to have us worried. So this is the newest cases with the girls.

Baby "b" has these "plexes, cycts like" things in her brain. Altough they are connected to Trisomy 18, they are often found when that alone is all that is seen. Her hands are open, her feet are fine, her nose and lips appear normal. The doctor said herself that two of her three children had the very same thing and they are fine. She did not recommend us doing any further testing at this point. She says she is not concerned at this point of our pregnancy. Baby"b" pee'd, we watched it , sorta cool.

Baby "a" is looking good, have to say that some of the pictures we got were a little scary, although they looked so different on the actual screen, she just wouldn't stay still. Our worry for her is fluid on the right kidney.

Both bellies of the girls are a tad larger than other measurements, however both are same. We are considering the chances of pregnancy indueced diabetes. Lovely.

So they gave me procardia 10mg for preterm labor, I am contracting, nothing cervix changing and not 6 an hour which is what they use as Gold's Rule, but they are present. The ol' cervix was doing good. I have gotten the meds filled for an emergency,however I am just trying to take it a little easier until the next visit on the 14th of May for the echo of thier hearts.

We go to the general OB on the 30th of this month.

So I got some pictures, will try to get them up. Over all Friday was my 39th birthday and it couldn't been better.

Please keep praying for our girls, and throw a few in for Tom and I too if you can spare them.

Holding on.

Feeling crappy. Not much better, I will call the doctors in the morning and at least ask if I should worry even though I will anyway.

The baby name game is not going well, he is holding back to I eliminate some of my names, but ahhh, I will wait until he gives me at least two more of his.

Nobody likes Charleigh. Sounds like a boy. Whatever.

When I was a child everyone though I was a boy. Whitney Leigh.

I sorta liked it, I got the chance to show myself for who I was, I wasn't pre~idea. Nope there was very little pink in this girl. However I had long very long hair and always had pig tails until my mother got tired of doing them and me yelling that they hurt because she pulled too hard and then gave me the famous Dorthy Hamil hairs cut aka. bowl cut.

Then the who are you a boy or a girl started until the bumps arrived and then it was a pretty much closed deal and I got to turn the smarty table and respond..."duh, are you blind?"

Feeling bad...not sad, bad.

I am not feeling well today, more like this evening. I have not felt really well for two days now. I would tell someone if I could explain it...

It isn't the flu, I know this, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was going to start my period.

I doubt this is good, but I know if I call the doctors on the weekend I will get first the answering service and I will go through the whole what it feels like, then the return call reminding me if it is something there is noting they can do at this stage of the pregnancy but if I begin to bleed to death give them a call, or they will tell me it is a virus and to go to bed with my feet elevated.

Sigh.

I will probably just worry all night and maybe fall to sleep. I will have to get some prayers in, can you guys do the same?

Did is mention, sigh?

Two in one week??

What's up?

Yeah I go weeks with nothing, well there was a lot to write about, but frankly, I hate to think even more write ahead of myself with our history. Two steps forward in the past definitely paves three backwards. But that was then, and these babies are all of their own. So.

If all continues to go well we are two days short of being half way through the pregnancy.

Gulp. Err. Crap. I mean crap in a good way, like Holy Cow!

I have tried to restrain myself from getting my giddy self up but it is starting to show it's self so I think I must cave in and start enjoying where we are in the pregnancy and planning and hoping for a bright future.

One that note I took out the "3". It has been a joke, source of arguments etc, in our house for years. The "3" is the three baby name books that I have read, re-read, marked, highlighted, written over, folded the corners...well, you get the idea.

I used to start with the first pregnancy test. Since 13 miscarriages, we have waited to at least heart beats. After our last pregnancy, I am reluctant but anxious to get this started.


"How hard is it really?"

Picking our girls names out was the most very hardest thing. I wanted so much, but I really wanted to see them first. I am lucky that Tom is very active in our pregnancy and in the things like buying the babies things and the room. What has become unfortunate for me is he is very involved with their names too.

After only hashing this out a hour, I ended the conversation thinking, I really could care a less if theses babies have a father. Well, I know this sounds bad and I really don't feel that way but honestly he is so old school with things like names.

If it doesn't ooze pink he doesn't like it, then there is a the whole rhyming game. He rhymes it, if it rhymes to something stupid or bad it is out.

Then there are the names that I think sound like porno names. I don't do porno, so I an only guessing, but I don't want to take that chance.

So we have commenced the baby name triathlon. The first round which is about 3 -4 weeks long is everything we ever liked. We may have known someone, heard it at work, ate a dish called this...you never know what will perk our ears up. It ends with each of our tops, throwing out each of our no~ways. I have to say that there have been a few that I was like no way but after hearing it a while was able to pass it on to the next step. We are not reality tv people, but this is very idolish.

The second round can last well close to delivery, this is where we hash out first, middle etc. . It can get ugly, feelings can get hurt, but hey it is our babies name. They will have to use that name to get jobs, married, become moms...it is important.

The third round in the last pregnancy was quick. I became very focused on just staying pregnant and preparing many people for the possibility of what was to come that I really was like, "I don't care what we call them I just want them to live!"

I have however informed Tom tonight that this time around I have stamina, experience and I am able to focus more on this this time so don't slack or I will prevail. Slacking being his strongest quality, I am counting on winning this triathlon in all events. First names, middle names and well, he sorta get credit for the Last.

So in today's round here are the results:

Tom's choice's ~ Heidi and Rebeca My choice's ~ Charliegh and Georgia and Charlotte

Prayers are still needed we still have two babies who are working on growing and becoming healthy and strong. I have been very nervous and a bit, err really crabby at times so he could use some help with patience with me I'm sure. I just really want the strength and knowledge to be a better mom to Anneleise and these little ones. I do try to make the days fly by but I do think about them and love them so.

Black and White labeled appointment!

Okay, if anyone is wondering what is with the title, and has never had the pleasure of saving, scrapping the buckets for fertility money treatment, I'll let you in on the secret. Black and white labels on food usually means "generic". As in nothing flashy and everything removed and not an option other than the beans in the can.

You ask, "Why the bean talk when we are waiting on the appointment update?"

Because I am trying to be polite and tell you that it was a freaking beans in a can appointment!

Honestly. Okay, not really beans in a can, more like pee on a stick. That is it. I have two (I am guessing) babies in my belly and I have yet in that office heard only one. They put that doppler in the same place (probably where most babies are at 16.5 weeks, listen and smile) They have never moved it around or even attempted to find something different. Little flustered, are you feeling it?

I'm sure that on the next appointment I am going to rip the doppler out of his hand and tell him I 'll find it myself.

So in short, I am only slightly fatter than I was since my last weigh in. 3 pounds this pregnancy so far...I'm sure there is more where that came from. My pee is perfect, the blood pressure is very normal, belly measuring off, but then these babies and the ol' uterus has taken up growing horizontally not vertically so I'm getting wide not round and bumpy ( I'm not beep , beep, beep when I walk past you yet wide, but I will defiantly get your attention in about 4 months wide).

I guess because he either has a wealth of knowledge behind him or he has super hero xray vision, he assured me that there was nothing to worry about with the extra fluid sac in baby "b"'s sac, although I expressed concern and pointed out that there is a larger bump in that area and I do have the "adhesion" type pain there.

So 8 minutes later, $20.00's and a appointment card for April the 30th we are home, all of use, I guess.

I go on the 11th to the Fetal specialist. Yeah us. We get good ultrasounds there and I don't even have to have a stroke or something like it to get one!

I really just wanted to smack him in the forehead and call him a wiener. I didn't though, I thought that would not be good if the doctor that we want to deliver us isn't in that week and he would be up that week so, in the best intrest of future pain control and the safteyof our unborn children...I let it go....for now.

For the record though. Male doctors should not be allowed to be specialist of female issues including birth, pregnancy and sex, unless they have ~

1. sprouted ovaries and they function for at least one year with full blown PMS cycles through all four seasons.

2. Haven't at least carried one pregnancy to term.

3. Aren't involved with someone who feels sex is what makes the world go round.

4. Oh yeah, they have to gain at least half of what they eat even after 8 hours a week exercise no matter what.

5. And finally if they fulfill all of these listed they have to remain blind folded for 6 months while someone who they really don't know takes care and over sees their most valuable possession.

Wiener!

Not a lot going on...good I think?

Well, for the first time in 10 almost 11 years I am pregnant and there is really nothing going on. The adhesion's that I have had over the years of surgery and our last section are starting to tear, not fun, this does create some concern for me. Last time I had to use medications it was so bad, this time I am just sort of working through it. It does involve getting irritable and crabby and having to lay down a bit more than I have time for, but I am really trying to go with no medications at all this pregnancy. The sharp pains and lingering soreness does strike panic in me though. I have picked the phone up three times since last night to call and ask "do you think this is okay?", but put it down all three times, because I know it is probably the adhesion's. I really wish that I could feel the babies move by now, there are moments but with the adhesion's and the continued numbness from the last surgery...I doubt I will fill them anytime soon.

We go to the doctors this coming Tuesday. Seems like for ever, it is the whimpy one, the weigh, pee, measure, that will be twenty bucks please doctor. We don't go to the ultrasound doctor until the 11th. It is my birthday and what a great present that will be...if all is still well. On my birthday two years ago we confirmed Aubrey's condition, well two days before but it pretty much changed that days for ever.

I'm starting to get a bit freaked out that we will be bringing two babies home. I think that survival thing in me was telling me wait and see, and you lucky if you get one... I think I am really starting to believe this is going to happen...

The money part of having three children under two is getting a little scary, we will do it, we always manage but it is a bit scary too. Once you have one, the reality of what goes with a child comes into play far before all the ooohhhh and ahhhhs, for us at least.

So here is to a very uneventful month, other than some bloating...ahhh, gotta love those pregnancy fluid retentive days....

I notice that I didn't put on here what we are in need of prayer wise...well, we need prayers that theses two babies get here safely, that I can continue to go medication free, that we are able to persuade Anneleise that siblings are good, and we are able to remain financially stable as we prepare for the babies arrival. You asked.

Here is our maybe lil' girl!

She is all laid back enjoying her space, ought to, she has it all!

We love her even if she is hogging all the space, they are leaning to girl...I'm holding out...as long as this lil' one is healthy...we will take a girl or a boy.

Update picture of our lil' girl!

She is in the tightest place imaginable.

It's a good thing she is cute, after all the scare she is giving me...

All in the day of a miracle!

Just by the title of the post, can you hardly imagine it?

We can't, but will take it!

Our visit was the best ever. The doctor came in to the room with tears in her eyes, I thought to myself, Oh, NO. Here we go. But she instead just gave me a huge hug and said, "Call it what you want but everything is perfect."

We have two brains, hold the fluid. Two everything except for hands and feet and fingers and toes. Everything is where it was to be and to their surprised they were able to get great pictures of the hearts and there are four chambers each, and good flow. No signs of heart problems yet. They saw the three veins in the cords and out of the placenta to the babies.

They also discovered that in fact we could have possibly had a set of identical twins in the making the due to a "fluid" sac seen again since conception, it was originally seen the first weeks of our IVF however it shrank and we didn't think again of it. It has now grown and though could cause an issue later down the road is not a issue now. Today the moment is where we live so we are taking that. My head did spin in the thoughts that we would have had triplets, and I really was going to put three eggs back but at the last minute went with two because the doctor was very clear of the possibility that the two were in good shape and could in fact split.

The other discovery is that the placentas have appeared to stuck together, rather they have completely fused we don't know but will have more on that at our next level 2 ultrasound on April, 11th. Kick in the pants is that is my birth day and the week that we got the definite diagnosis on Aubrey.

We are going to get echo's on the babies in May also.

I don't know where this will take us, but I do know that the Lord fixed this issue with the nuchal cord. It is now normal and they both looked amazing.

The greatest gift we received today was that our hope was restored and it couldn't have come a minute to soon.

The other bit of info we received is that we know for sure that baby a is a girl from the CVS done three weeks ago, but she is taking a guess and leaning towards girl for baby b also!

What do we think of two girls...we haven't stop smiling!

Pictures will be coming soon of the babies. Baby a is just where Anneleise was and baby b is laying just like Aubrey. It was very dejavue today.

~just a thought...but is spell check down again?...it's saying no spelling errors but some words just don't look right.~

Another long night.

Yep! It's that time again, a doctors appointment in the morning. Part of me is so excited to see them again, then the other part of me is will they see what the problem is with our baby girl ~ a.

Just like in the past, I should be full of joy, after all there is baby b. But as repeated in history, bittersweet is only good for chocolate.

So I have not gotten more than 3-4 hours of sleep over the past two weeks due to nightmares. One night was the baby didn't have a brain, the other was no kidneys, the other was only one vein in the cord and brain injury... after i try to go back to sleep I just can't, I'm really just too upset. Right now I am so tired I feel sick and weak.

I pray that the appointment in the morning will help much of this, the other shoe goes ahead and drop if it needs too and I can get to a place in the pregnancy where for a short while I can sleep and embrace this miracle, our pregnancy and our babies.

And by the way , yes we need a lot of prayers for the babies.

The hokey pokey...

That's what it's all about...

Well for right now that is. Yeah, I know for sure I felt a baby move tonight. I was getting all giddy about the results of Project Runway, the mist of the movie on Life Time "The Good Witch" and George Lopez and there it was.

I was waiting to see if I could feel two separate movements...I can't say that I did, but then half of my stomach is still numb from my section 2 years ago, so I will remain hopeful that all is well in there, and I felt one move because it was trying to get away from the other!

I smiled for the first time in a week I think, I have of course caught another cold and have spent many nights coughing and sneezing. No one will ever convince me that I have a incompetent cervix that is for sure, if those two little ones are still there after this cold, then they are staying in there!

By the way we don't know anything about baby "b", we didn't have to do the testing as of yet but we do know from the cvs that "a" is a girl. Yeah, that was one of the other last times I smiled.

Clocks ticking, 7 days from tomorrow to we see them again...what will I do with the time...?

By the way if anyone has been wondering if they can help us in any way. Pray for the babies that they make through this and that I can give them whatthey need while I carry them and as I raise them. Just pray,pray, pray.

Christmas list?

Is it too early to start a Christmas list?

See usually we start very early saving and buying those great bargains, but since the girls and this pregnancy...ugh, we will be modifying Christmas this year.

The real purpose of this post, this thought?

Hint.

I want a ultrasound machine for Christmas...Christmas in July...Christmas this week!

I really do have an addiction to ultrasounds. I guess most women do since I have been asking around.

It just hit me...this is normal...Oh, my I am normal!

Still good news...

Good news today, unexpected but couldn't have came at a better time.

So today we got a call from the genetics specialist in the office we go to and as of now all results since the preliminary FISH are negative and normal findings.

Are we off the hook so to speak, yeah sort of in a degenerative way. When there are no chromosomal abnormalities involved with birth defects and issues like that there does seem to be a host of alternative options and more aggressive care to continue and remain hopeful for the pregnancy. Do I agree with the idea that if our children have a chromosomal/genetic disorder that we should accept less? No. I would have found somewhere, like I did for Aubrey to at least fight...try...habor hope till the answers were clear.

This is very complicated to explain, and I'm sure many would not agree, however...your life stands still until you know about these things. Although in your mind and heart you are on the same path with the hope and desire for the same outcome...the truth is that there are crossroads that you come to in pregnancy after a loss, any loss, that you just stand still and do anything from scratch your head to pray to inflict numbness so that you don't allow yourself to wonder prematurely down a path.

I once told someone that our pregnancies were a lot like having a treasured classic car.

Cherished, aged, well cared for, respected, handled with kid gloves, wouldn't trade it in for anything...but you hold your breath each morning you go out to start it to head off to work.

So with all the good news over the last week, I know in my heart that the Lord has touched our babies and is working with them...selfishly, yeah I have sighed a breath of relief. Truth. Reality. It has been a week since I have seen them, those little hearts a bumping along...I do hope and pray that they both are doing well after the invasive procedure and week marathon of stress on them. There is still the nuchal of 5 mm.

As to with this we will deal as it unfolds...ahhhh.

I was thinking the other day, "How far would I have to go back to be so naive about pregnancy and conception?"

12 Years.

Wow!

Good news and no news...

Short but sweet, I will post later.

There is no Trisomy 13, 18 or Downs.

Waiting on Turners Syndrome and De George's Syndrome.

There was a distinctive nose bone present , a good thing so they are leaning towards heart defect and then there is the hydrops, CDH issue.

Lesson here is with my age, my pregnancy and infertility history and previous pregnancy...we will never have normal, we may end up with normal but we will never know normal...so I must stop imagining normal in my dreams. We are going through the entire pregnancy under a microscope so we best hold on tight because we have all but been promised a bumpy, rocky tough road ahead.

The general thought of my frame of mind is that I'm good, in a much better place then last Friday, especially Monday, however once your foundation has been fractured..this happened with the death of our daughter a year and half ago...it doesn't take much to rattle the walls again. I just didn't realize how fragile my foundation was...physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So there may be periods of insanity and babble, I will at times lick my wounds. I know this one thing. In our last pregnancy I was the strength and courage for many...I shorted myself of emotions that I was entitled to as Aubrey Evangelene Grace's mother, I robbed Sarah Anneleise Klaire of moments that I could treasure for a live time...I will never be that person again...

There are times and moments in a persons life when you are to be brave, strong, courageous...set an example. Then there are times when friends and family should be this for you and allow you to be broken.

Momentarily broken is good, it's therapeutic and it healing.

And insight on the whole infertility,pregnancy loss and infant loss...there are no Oscar awards for the person who grieves the best, puts on the best front, becomes the humanitarian of the year...there is nothing but membership dues...and they are high.

There are no magic formula to how much pain and agony a person is entitled to...some will occur once in a life time, some their whole life through. The only statue of limitations is the amount of time a worried, scared grieving mother has to "get it out of her system" and get back in the game.

This road. It's tough, it's scary, it's not much fun, but with the right support and a honest heart and clear mind..it is all worth it in the end...

Tomorrow, the best day of my life, thus far...

Tomorrow. For only 24 hours I'm sure it will fly by like lighting.

Tomorrow I will be pregnant with twins and thinking of them both coming home to our house, being little brothers or sisters to Anneleise.

I will cherish tomorrow because although tainted with fear and anxiety and heart ache it will be the most innocent day of my pregnancy. I want tomorrow to never end...I don't want to hear how very sick or deformed my child is, rather they are incompatible to life, that they will be profound in many areas of their life...I don't want to have anymore bittersweet in my life.

I love my children, both of them, I have prayed for them for 10years, specifically for theses babies for 18months. I truly just can't bare to imagine the thoughts of this test findings...

What will happen if another child of mine is not found needing of a miracle and healed of it's afflictions? Would it be because I didn't ask enough, pray enough?

As much as I don't want this day to end, I can't go another day loving another child that will never know me, my love for them, to feel the warmth of their head against mine.

Just two and half short years ago I sit here waiting for the truck to hit me head on as I stared my eyes stuck into the headlights. Honestly, I really didn't ever think that I would go this road again..nobody signs up for it, but I really didn't think this would happen to me.

You know, you may think that I am feeling sorry for myself and today I am, sorta. But really I think that I am grieving, the joy of this pregnancy, the hope that is being lost again. To lose a child once you know that you lose more than the child,you lose a piece of you that you would have given them...the piece that would have been nurtured. After Tuesday, as these babies mother, it can't be about me me. Mom's get a very limited time to grief, when there is a twin that survives...the time is even shortened. Life becomes so bittersweet that you remind yourself daily of joy, and hide your grief. After all how can I be sad? I have a baby...one survived...at least... Not many have ever said it ,but you know I do it, I find the silver lining for people all the time. I'm going to stop that , it just as bad as telling tells. I robs some one of their feelings.