Tomorrow, the best day of my life, thus far...

Tomorrow. For only 24 hours I'm sure it will fly by like lighting.

Tomorrow I will be pregnant with twins and thinking of them both coming home to our house, being little brothers or sisters to Anneleise.

I will cherish tomorrow because although tainted with fear and anxiety and heart ache it will be the most innocent day of my pregnancy. I want tomorrow to never end...I don't want to hear how very sick or deformed my child is, rather they are incompatible to life, that they will be profound in many areas of their life...I don't want to have anymore bittersweet in my life.

I love my children, both of them, I have prayed for them for 10years, specifically for theses babies for 18months. I truly just can't bare to imagine the thoughts of this test findings...

What will happen if another child of mine is not found needing of a miracle and healed of it's afflictions? Would it be because I didn't ask enough, pray enough?

As much as I don't want this day to end, I can't go another day loving another child that will never know me, my love for them, to feel the warmth of their head against mine.

Just two and half short years ago I sit here waiting for the truck to hit me head on as I stared my eyes stuck into the headlights. Honestly, I really didn't ever think that I would go this road again..nobody signs up for it, but I really didn't think this would happen to me.

You know, you may think that I am feeling sorry for myself and today I am, sorta. But really I think that I am grieving, the joy of this pregnancy, the hope that is being lost again. To lose a child once you know that you lose more than the child,you lose a piece of you that you would have given them...the piece that would have been nurtured. After Tuesday, as these babies mother, it can't be about me me. Mom's get a very limited time to grief, when there is a twin that survives...the time is even shortened. Life becomes so bittersweet that you remind yourself daily of joy, and hide your grief. After all how can I be sad? I have a baby...one survived...at least... Not many have ever said it ,but you know I do it, I find the silver lining for people all the time. I'm going to stop that , it just as bad as telling tells. I robs some one of their feelings.