I had a dream.

Maybe this worked for Martin Luther King, however it is not working for me.

My dreams are very detailed, very exhausting and some times , well more than not, very disturbing.

Being of strong will, I won't let myself think and go places while awake so I think my mind has decided to kidnap my brain for the night shift.

I have dreamt everything from financial ruin, Tom leaving me, to there being two boys not two girls as they are telling us, to me dying after the birth. The there is the one where Anneleise takes the babies and flushes them down the toilet. This isn't really a dream after thinking of this for several days and watching her, I think this may be more of a premonition. I dreamt the other night that after the babies were born the next day I gained 100 pounds and was too tired and sick to care for the babies and Anneleise. I woke up to shortness of breath. I dreamt that I had to have back surgery and when I was waking up from the surgery they said we had one girl the other didn't survive. When I finally woke up my back was killing me.

So yeah for some the dreaming in pregnancy is great, enlightening, humorous...for me it is where fear resides, and things I don't think unimaginable , happen. So.

I have to sleep but I will have to allow myself to deal with unimaginable during the day light in hopes that the night life settles down.

this stinks because not many get the ideas that I get in my head, the worry and the fears I have. Everyone, well not everyone, but mostly everyone just thinks that I should be in prenatal bliss. I am, I just wished I could win the lottery, solve world hunger, fix the gas price war, end the whole world war and get my floors clean for more than an afternoon before the babies get here.

When we were plagued with one bad doctor visit after another and surrounded but nothing but bad news I felt that I had a great support system and everyone wanted to listen and help me through it, now that things are pretty much normal..."normal" as they call it, I feel very alone, even with Tom.

I have got to realize and experience some of the "normal" things that pregnant women go through, and when there is no flags, I think they are very isolated in a sense, especially in the light of what all happens to your mind, body and health during a pregnancy. So for those pregnant moms out there who hear a pin drop when they need to talk. Got it, get it, not really liking it, but what do we do now. Here is to us. I'm thinking that in the end I will discover that all the frustration and inner conversations with yourself during a pregnancy is what will make you scary and people tremble in your shadow during your labor, so all in all in the end, they will listen to you, it was their choice to wait till the last moment to hear 9 months worth.

The game.

Whoa, we both can add stamina to our list of traits that we have learnt since the conception and birth of our daughters...

Thinking that I was the stronger of the two of us, I forsake the love and devotion that Tom has as father to his children and the name game is really not even half as much fun as the last time we played it.

I think that I may win on Emmaleigh Rowan or Amelia Rowan or Eliza Rowan Jeanette, however I may have to slide and let Heidi in the mix somewhere.

In the grand scheme of things I don't have the stamina that I thought I had, i just want these two little girls to get here safe and sound. I want to end our pregnancy worries, nightmares, stress, financial exhorting. I feel like I can't even imagine what it will be like to have a tiny baby in my arms again, not to have to leave someone behind. I have some pictures of Anneleise and I , I have some memories but honestly it was all a blur...a bittersweet dream with some Shakespearean tragedies in the story. I can't remember where I have been sometimes. I look at Anneleise and I almost shocked she is mine.

The road to her and her sister was so long, so hard so endless. I am stronger this time, but stronger in a way that isn't good, I shouldn't be able to stare fear in the face and say boo!, to walk right into it with little respect but cower in the shadows of the new life I have inside of me right now.

I think it has happen, I have done all I can but it happened. I have fell in love with my daughters. I want them to have names, I am getting excited for their arrival, way so overwhelmed, but very excited.

Things are good, right?

Well the office visit went well. We got to see some crazy pictures of our daughters. Yeap, there are two girls lurking in there causing all the havoc.

Baby "a" was opening her mouth and kicking her sister. Far different than our last pregnancy where our Baby "b" took over the womb, hey who's kidding my body too and ruled her sister. Baby "b" we got great pictures of her feet and hands, she is very active also, a bit more shy than "a". Baby "a"as of Friday has taken on a better position. Baby "b" is just hanging out, already very high up in my gut.

The visit wouldn't be a visit if there was not something to have us worried. So this is the newest cases with the girls.

Baby "b" has these "plexes, cycts like" things in her brain. Altough they are connected to Trisomy 18, they are often found when that alone is all that is seen. Her hands are open, her feet are fine, her nose and lips appear normal. The doctor said herself that two of her three children had the very same thing and they are fine. She did not recommend us doing any further testing at this point. She says she is not concerned at this point of our pregnancy. Baby"b" pee'd, we watched it , sorta cool.

Baby "a" is looking good, have to say that some of the pictures we got were a little scary, although they looked so different on the actual screen, she just wouldn't stay still. Our worry for her is fluid on the right kidney.

Both bellies of the girls are a tad larger than other measurements, however both are same. We are considering the chances of pregnancy indueced diabetes. Lovely.

So they gave me procardia 10mg for preterm labor, I am contracting, nothing cervix changing and not 6 an hour which is what they use as Gold's Rule, but they are present. The ol' cervix was doing good. I have gotten the meds filled for an emergency,however I am just trying to take it a little easier until the next visit on the 14th of May for the echo of thier hearts.

We go to the general OB on the 30th of this month.

So I got some pictures, will try to get them up. Over all Friday was my 39th birthday and it couldn't been better.

Please keep praying for our girls, and throw a few in for Tom and I too if you can spare them.

Holding on.

Feeling crappy. Not much better, I will call the doctors in the morning and at least ask if I should worry even though I will anyway.

The baby name game is not going well, he is holding back to I eliminate some of my names, but ahhh, I will wait until he gives me at least two more of his.

Nobody likes Charleigh. Sounds like a boy. Whatever.

When I was a child everyone though I was a boy. Whitney Leigh.

I sorta liked it, I got the chance to show myself for who I was, I wasn't pre~idea. Nope there was very little pink in this girl. However I had long very long hair and always had pig tails until my mother got tired of doing them and me yelling that they hurt because she pulled too hard and then gave me the famous Dorthy Hamil hairs cut aka. bowl cut.

Then the who are you a boy or a girl started until the bumps arrived and then it was a pretty much closed deal and I got to turn the smarty table and respond..."duh, are you blind?"

Feeling bad...not sad, bad.

I am not feeling well today, more like this evening. I have not felt really well for two days now. I would tell someone if I could explain it...

It isn't the flu, I know this, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was going to start my period.

I doubt this is good, but I know if I call the doctors on the weekend I will get first the answering service and I will go through the whole what it feels like, then the return call reminding me if it is something there is noting they can do at this stage of the pregnancy but if I begin to bleed to death give them a call, or they will tell me it is a virus and to go to bed with my feet elevated.

Sigh.

I will probably just worry all night and maybe fall to sleep. I will have to get some prayers in, can you guys do the same?

Did is mention, sigh?

Two in one week??

What's up?

Yeah I go weeks with nothing, well there was a lot to write about, but frankly, I hate to think even more write ahead of myself with our history. Two steps forward in the past definitely paves three backwards. But that was then, and these babies are all of their own. So.

If all continues to go well we are two days short of being half way through the pregnancy.

Gulp. Err. Crap. I mean crap in a good way, like Holy Cow!

I have tried to restrain myself from getting my giddy self up but it is starting to show it's self so I think I must cave in and start enjoying where we are in the pregnancy and planning and hoping for a bright future.

One that note I took out the "3". It has been a joke, source of arguments etc, in our house for years. The "3" is the three baby name books that I have read, re-read, marked, highlighted, written over, folded the corners...well, you get the idea.

I used to start with the first pregnancy test. Since 13 miscarriages, we have waited to at least heart beats. After our last pregnancy, I am reluctant but anxious to get this started.


"How hard is it really?"

Picking our girls names out was the most very hardest thing. I wanted so much, but I really wanted to see them first. I am lucky that Tom is very active in our pregnancy and in the things like buying the babies things and the room. What has become unfortunate for me is he is very involved with their names too.

After only hashing this out a hour, I ended the conversation thinking, I really could care a less if theses babies have a father. Well, I know this sounds bad and I really don't feel that way but honestly he is so old school with things like names.

If it doesn't ooze pink he doesn't like it, then there is a the whole rhyming game. He rhymes it, if it rhymes to something stupid or bad it is out.

Then there are the names that I think sound like porno names. I don't do porno, so I an only guessing, but I don't want to take that chance.

So we have commenced the baby name triathlon. The first round which is about 3 -4 weeks long is everything we ever liked. We may have known someone, heard it at work, ate a dish called this...you never know what will perk our ears up. It ends with each of our tops, throwing out each of our no~ways. I have to say that there have been a few that I was like no way but after hearing it a while was able to pass it on to the next step. We are not reality tv people, but this is very idolish.

The second round can last well close to delivery, this is where we hash out first, middle etc. . It can get ugly, feelings can get hurt, but hey it is our babies name. They will have to use that name to get jobs, married, become moms...it is important.

The third round in the last pregnancy was quick. I became very focused on just staying pregnant and preparing many people for the possibility of what was to come that I really was like, "I don't care what we call them I just want them to live!"

I have however informed Tom tonight that this time around I have stamina, experience and I am able to focus more on this this time so don't slack or I will prevail. Slacking being his strongest quality, I am counting on winning this triathlon in all events. First names, middle names and well, he sorta get credit for the Last.

So in today's round here are the results:

Tom's choice's ~ Heidi and Rebeca My choice's ~ Charliegh and Georgia and Charlotte

Prayers are still needed we still have two babies who are working on growing and becoming healthy and strong. I have been very nervous and a bit, err really crabby at times so he could use some help with patience with me I'm sure. I just really want the strength and knowledge to be a better mom to Anneleise and these little ones. I do try to make the days fly by but I do think about them and love them so.

Black and White labeled appointment!

Okay, if anyone is wondering what is with the title, and has never had the pleasure of saving, scrapping the buckets for fertility money treatment, I'll let you in on the secret. Black and white labels on food usually means "generic". As in nothing flashy and everything removed and not an option other than the beans in the can.

You ask, "Why the bean talk when we are waiting on the appointment update?"

Because I am trying to be polite and tell you that it was a freaking beans in a can appointment!

Honestly. Okay, not really beans in a can, more like pee on a stick. That is it. I have two (I am guessing) babies in my belly and I have yet in that office heard only one. They put that doppler in the same place (probably where most babies are at 16.5 weeks, listen and smile) They have never moved it around or even attempted to find something different. Little flustered, are you feeling it?

I'm sure that on the next appointment I am going to rip the doppler out of his hand and tell him I 'll find it myself.

So in short, I am only slightly fatter than I was since my last weigh in. 3 pounds this pregnancy so far...I'm sure there is more where that came from. My pee is perfect, the blood pressure is very normal, belly measuring off, but then these babies and the ol' uterus has taken up growing horizontally not vertically so I'm getting wide not round and bumpy ( I'm not beep , beep, beep when I walk past you yet wide, but I will defiantly get your attention in about 4 months wide).

I guess because he either has a wealth of knowledge behind him or he has super hero xray vision, he assured me that there was nothing to worry about with the extra fluid sac in baby "b"'s sac, although I expressed concern and pointed out that there is a larger bump in that area and I do have the "adhesion" type pain there.

So 8 minutes later, $20.00's and a appointment card for April the 30th we are home, all of use, I guess.

I go on the 11th to the Fetal specialist. Yeah us. We get good ultrasounds there and I don't even have to have a stroke or something like it to get one!

I really just wanted to smack him in the forehead and call him a wiener. I didn't though, I thought that would not be good if the doctor that we want to deliver us isn't in that week and he would be up that week so, in the best intrest of future pain control and the safteyof our unborn children...I let it go....for now.

For the record though. Male doctors should not be allowed to be specialist of female issues including birth, pregnancy and sex, unless they have ~

1. sprouted ovaries and they function for at least one year with full blown PMS cycles through all four seasons.

2. Haven't at least carried one pregnancy to term.

3. Aren't involved with someone who feels sex is what makes the world go round.

4. Oh yeah, they have to gain at least half of what they eat even after 8 hours a week exercise no matter what.

5. And finally if they fulfill all of these listed they have to remain blind folded for 6 months while someone who they really don't know takes care and over sees their most valuable possession.

Wiener!