Introducing Baby "B"...

Introducing Baby "A"

Latest and last office visit...

Here they are, two lil' ones...hearts beating along...

What more could I ask for at this point. Being realistic I know that this is really the best news we can see and get, so, with that I will breath easier today as I rejoice in the strength and courage that I know is nothing short of intervention, divine that is. As each day goes by you would think that I would feel more reassured...I don't my fear grows as they do, each day they are with me...is a memory in the making. I love my memories, I fear losing them.

There is a list of things I would like to know, things that I have decided that if I knew would help me relax...In time we will address them, one week at a time. There is very little need for me to know the sex. Tom so does not agree, he is worse than most women and really most children. A tad odd that I don't want to know, but I want this pregnacy to have some real suprises, fun ones, but really I just want to know that they are both safe, perfectly healthy. That, I feel alone is enough to ask for, so everything else...well if we know , we know.

Today was the last appointment with our fertility clinic. It is exciting, but exciting in a bridging over from girl scout to cadet kind of excited. You know that there is like so much more ahead of you but to enter the clinic infertile with the desire to have a child...and leave having one. Well, my image was Whoo..Whoo..., but in reality it is sorta sad like leaving college. Scared crapless to enter, worked hard, had some fun, made a lot of memories but you get to that day where either it is time for change or on to graduate school.

We are very fortunate that both times we have left the clinic we were headed to graduate school. This is so metaphorically said. After years of treatment, we wouldn't even afford preschool.

You sign on with a program and you have to just give it to them. When I say give "it" I mean your body, your courage, strength, your hopes and your dreams. If you haven't tested your faith till then, you will be truly challenged. Then they hold you hand and guide you and maker you stronger, wiser, all the different either way of success or disappointment.

It is scary to walk away from the place that was your security. I feel blessed to have had the team working for us that we had. I think that is probably a large part of your success is the general attitude of your team. I've seen some bad ones, but we found one of the best.

There are three little blessed embryos in waiting for us once theses babies get here. Don't know where we are with this, I do know that we are way too early in this pregnacy to make any decsions.

We miss you guys already, everyone from the receptionist to the doctors themselves our part of our family. Haha, jokes on them.

Another long day...

Well, it has become very quickly a routine to acknowledge the next doctor visit with a long night prior. So in fashion, I will be high strung on emotions and worry today as well as tonight. I will prepare my self for the worse, and the best. Again, I will try to rely more on my faith and less on my "idea" that I may have some control of things. I figure about the time I get this down,we will be delivering. Go figure.

The truth is that I do have some control over somethings. Like I chose to eat well, and take care of myself. I chose to let many things in my life right now not be so high on the priority list like cleaning and being a family helper. And do all that I can do to remain healthy. I chose to avoid and reject situations that in the past and that will for sure will set me up for frustration and aggravation. I chose and have to work hard at remaining positive.

I see that we are getting the best of care, we see that we are good and informed advocates for our babies. I chose to educate myself about any and all possibilities because I know oh, to well, how quickly you can be caught off guard and make uninformed decisions that later one day you may regret.

So in spite of what most people and health care profession deem as the "nothing you can do during this time" period...I think that I am doing a good bit for my babies, and I am sure that it will be of benefit at some point and I know that I will be glad that I did it. So.

I have learnt and these are valuable lesson for anyone who accepts the challenges continuing to journey the road of infertility and pregnancy loss. You can't let fear make your decisions. You have to believe that you can do it. You have to believe that you are worth it. Do what you need to do...you can survive a host of outcomes as long as you don't have a list of "what if's, I should of's, if I had know's".

With these in mind, I forge ahead, I face fear in the face, my legs shake, my voice quakes, my eyes sting with tears, but in my heart, if I am defeated...I will know that I did all that I could.

On that note...you can only guess what we are in need of, yeap...prayers.

I feel as though I have slacked off the last day or so, getting a cold and really poor time management. I hope to spend some extra time tonight through passage and prayer. I know as each day unfolds...I am nothing with out him...and through him anything is possible.

I need to remember this as fear crawls up my back and sits upon my shoulders. I can't even wrap my head around a women getting giddy going into an ultrasound...giddy doesn't even happen for me, if our ultrasound goes well and I see heartbeats...well I stare in amazement, awe that we are still blessed with our babies.

There was talk at the last doctor appointment visit that in fact if my prior section went as he understood it, they would allow me to deliver at 34 weeks if I went into labor on my own...my take is that now my uterus can with hold very little in means of contractions.

Where oh where oh where is positive reinforcement?

So I went to the regular run of the mill Ob/Gyn today. Got up early, read my passages, said my prayers...prayed the whole way over. I entered the office with extreme happiness and joy that we were here.

With in the first 5 mins of the waiting room experience a women leaves, crying her eyes out.
My heart sank. My mind wondered.

"Did her baby die? Is her baby okay? Did she find out she can never have a baby?

Did her baby have a terrible defect, is there a syndrome that stole her dreams?"

I told myself this is a Ob/Gyn, maybe she has cancer? " or maybe her dead beat "other" gave her something they don't sell at Tiffany's.

Oh dear. I just want to track her down and hug her. I know that this is unrealistic so I just lowered my head and prayed for this women. For what ever she was exposed to may she find strength and courage to make it through.

I know that feeling, I was her every time we left the doctors office. As much as I hate the journey that infertility has taken us on, I wouldn't give it to anyone just to escape it myself.

So 20 mins pass and they call me in, recharged to have a positive appointment and lay my cards on the table...the doctor I saw today nipped that idea in the bud.

"Hi. Congratulations"

"Thank you, we're excited"

"How are you feeling?"

"Good" " Well, a lot of anxiety, but generally good."

"You know your last pregnancy, well there was circumstances, well that played against the general rules of pregnancy, and there were twins."

"Yeah we know, but you know we are having twins again, right?"

"Yeah"

"Well, as I am sure you know, most twins pregnancies don't make it out of the first trimester, and most that do lose one twin"


You get the just of the appointment.
If I would have been able to pick up my heart and jaw and respond, it would had been a lot like.. "Well, duh, yeah, don't you think after all we have been through that we know the possibilities, not only know of the statistics, I'm a member! Why don't you share some of the good things that can happen, you know the advances in medicine etc." Then I would like to had added "that with that attitude it is a good thing that most women get pregnant before they come see you than before or you would be flipping burgers at an all night stand some where."

So anyway, I see the high risk OB on Monday as well as go to the clinic for my discharge from them and my last scan 8 weeks. Nothing positive to report from the medical front, however, I will try to remain positive until Monday when we get to see our babies heart beats again.

If you wondering...you know the drill ~pray.

Wasn't I just here yesterday?

Okay, are you tired yet? I am, seems like I just get over one stressful worry filled night to get a reprieve and back to stress and fret again. Not only my anxiety, are you all tired of me asking for prayers? I hope not because that is what we need right now. When I told you that this would be a long 30 weeks, I wasn't kidding. I have to say that I do feel as though the Lord is giving me strength that I am surprised that I have.

An example of this is that I am trying to talk Tom into not finding out the sex of the twins. As long as they can give me some reassurance that they are healthy and going to be okay, I really don't think I need to know. I guess after our last pregnancy, that is really all that matters. The things that I thought were so important like the nursery, clothes, perfect housing arrangements etc...well, didn't help in the end. Didn't make me love them any more, any less. So in the spirit of child birth and faith, if I can get one wish, let me know that they are both perfectly healthy. After that I can wait like all the mothers in 50's and 70's.

We have about 6 weeks to go to be out of some initial danger. Everyday pregnancy can be potential danger until that baby is in your arms, but on the positive note that I just know will be the journey this pregnancy is going to take ( believe , believe, believe...)we need to get to to 14~16 week at which time they can be more reassured that we are past the highest risk of miscarriage, and that our babies have a diaphragm, that they are no general markers for syndromes...etc. Okay , the reality of all that is going through my head is bring down my positive thoughts so enough of this.

I will be praying, hope you guys will say a few for us too.

Hope to get a picture in the morning...check us out tomorrow.

You've come a long way babies!

They are both doing good! One is horizontal and one is vertical to the ultrasound wand so no matter how they tried to get pictures, one is tiny and distance and the other appears to be giant. They say that our next ultrasound they both should be a good size and we should be able to get better individual pictures.

The best news of all is that the fluid sac is gone. Maybe it was typical, or common, whatever. I know that it was a answer to prayer. I was very worried that this sac was a hemorrhage or the precursor to a birth defect. We are not really out of the woods for either of those scenarios, however at 7 weeks, we are creeping closer to the "celebratory" phase of pregnancy.

More positive news is that although brief the doctor checked out the "hernia" kind of pain and she feels that with no bulge yet, that it is more than likely adhesion's. This is a very uncomfortable occurrence but after one releases there is actually some relief until the next one separates. She said that in fact it could be early ligament pain because the uterus is expanding a bit quicker for two. If it continues we will consult with a surgeon for post delivery issue or a support belt if it worsens. All very do able.

I would like to thank everyone who has continued to include us in their prayers and supported us in this pregnancy, some days are scary and some days the stress is a bit much so it is very nice to know that even if Tom and I aren't our selves, you all understand and continue to support us.

If you want to know what we need...more prayers. Patience, calmness, health and the lord will continue to carry these babies in the palm of his hand, protecting and watching them.