Another long day...

Well, it has become very quickly a routine to acknowledge the next doctor visit with a long night prior. So in fashion, I will be high strung on emotions and worry today as well as tonight. I will prepare my self for the worse, and the best. Again, I will try to rely more on my faith and less on my "idea" that I may have some control of things. I figure about the time I get this down,we will be delivering. Go figure.

The truth is that I do have some control over somethings. Like I chose to eat well, and take care of myself. I chose to let many things in my life right now not be so high on the priority list like cleaning and being a family helper. And do all that I can do to remain healthy. I chose to avoid and reject situations that in the past and that will for sure will set me up for frustration and aggravation. I chose and have to work hard at remaining positive.

I see that we are getting the best of care, we see that we are good and informed advocates for our babies. I chose to educate myself about any and all possibilities because I know oh, to well, how quickly you can be caught off guard and make uninformed decisions that later one day you may regret.

So in spite of what most people and health care profession deem as the "nothing you can do during this time" period...I think that I am doing a good bit for my babies, and I am sure that it will be of benefit at some point and I know that I will be glad that I did it. So.

I have learnt and these are valuable lesson for anyone who accepts the challenges continuing to journey the road of infertility and pregnancy loss. You can't let fear make your decisions. You have to believe that you can do it. You have to believe that you are worth it. Do what you need to do...you can survive a host of outcomes as long as you don't have a list of "what if's, I should of's, if I had know's".

With these in mind, I forge ahead, I face fear in the face, my legs shake, my voice quakes, my eyes sting with tears, but in my heart, if I am defeated...I will know that I did all that I could.

On that note...you can only guess what we are in need of, yeap...prayers.

I feel as though I have slacked off the last day or so, getting a cold and really poor time management. I hope to spend some extra time tonight through passage and prayer. I know as each day unfolds...I am nothing with out him...and through him anything is possible.

I need to remember this as fear crawls up my back and sits upon my shoulders. I can't even wrap my head around a women getting giddy going into an ultrasound...giddy doesn't even happen for me, if our ultrasound goes well and I see heartbeats...well I stare in amazement, awe that we are still blessed with our babies.

There was talk at the last doctor appointment visit that in fact if my prior section went as he understood it, they would allow me to deliver at 34 weeks if I went into labor on my own...my take is that now my uterus can with hold very little in means of contractions.