Ups and downs of IVF.

The title is so...well, just so, so what IVF is about.

The Hcg is up 352. Good right? Well up is good, but now I am on the low side of up. The low side of anything is bad for someone who is a habitual over achiever and a frequent failure.


If we are only carrying one, were still good. If there are two, signs of impending doom are rearing it's head. There really is no way there is three or four.

I know your saying if you have one your lucky. Yes, I am.

I have had 13 miscarriages, one twin pregnancy that ended in the loss of our daughter at 14 days on this earth. I have loved and cherished each pregnancy. I have wanted them all, and loved then no more or no less than each other. When I look at the embryos in the picture, honestly I get giddy, they are life, Tom's and mine life. If either one of then demise then I feel like I have loss more than a blot, a embryo...yeah scientifically that is what they are, but in my heart they are my babies. But I have been cheated out of twins once, and between me and you, I was a bit excited to have them. Another secret. Most IVF people wouldn't admit it but the word multiples is used so frequently and most doctors walk the line trying not to achieve this that , well, the excitement of just the thought of more than one gets you through the ups and downs...

The talk of getting pregnant with multiples during an IVF is a lot like having sex with your partner in a sneaky public place the day you conceive your child/children. In IVF, multiples is the thrill, the foreplay have you.

Just saying, I'm not having a tantrum or anything, just sad how quickly even the slightest excitement I get from pregnancy gets squashed....It is really getting hard in life to remain positive and hopeful when I grasp at straws to do so. Another thing is how quickly my shoulders get weighed down with the whole "look at the silver lining thing".

Have I mentioned that I really hate the color silver.

The next test is Monday.

What can you do...pray. About everything but most of all for my babies. I do so hope that they both are okay, just sluggish and getting over the holiday celebrations. I try to remember after all who theses kiddos parents are...