Worried to the Max!

Deed, I really don't know how I will make it through this pregnancy.

Feeling better today, sorta, I think the feeling that I have is the blah from pregnancy, this is good. Although, my experience is in failures and catastrophe' so my concern is that I have gotten pretty yucky at the start of the other shoe dropping before.

I once told a doctor that I didn't know what to do now that we were pregnant because I had became so good at pregnancy failure. If you have experienced loss in the past rather it be a miscarriage or a failed fertility treatment of worse the loss of your infant and you choose to continue...well, I'll be honest, I had to become callus at appointments, I had to remove the very heart that broke each day I wasn't a mom. I liked to say that I falsely built courage with the left overs of my broken heart. That is how we have endured 10 years of this.

I really think what I need is a daily ultrasound. I'm so a needy person, I like to think that I'm not, but with pregnancy...I'm compulsive.

Really what would it hurt if I went to the office every two days until I can feel some movement and hear heartbeats? I mean in the long run it would remove a copious load of stress and anxiety. On the other hand I really need to remember that I have wanted to lean on the Lord during this journey and by going and taking a look every day or so would be like calling him and saying "your still working on me, right?, were still okay right?, this is wrong, so on that note I will pray for the perfect clear timing and guidance that he shows me what and when to seek help on and pray that he may help clam my needy nerves...

Uggghhh! Days like this I get on my own nerves...