Going to the doctors and I'm ...

going to throw up!


Ugh, I like to go and I want to go, but the 24 hours prior to appointment I just freak, I am a ball of nerves, my house gets a burst of cleanly and orderliness to it, however every other aspect in my life is neglected but a pregnant girl has to do what a pregnant girl has to do.

Actually, I am anticipating the morning because if I can get to another ultrasound appointment with out trouble, then this would be a first. Two ultrasounds in a row. I am curious about the fluid sac though, I wished I would have thought to ask more questions last Monday but, frankly I was so tickled and giddy about the babies, being two, I really couldn't even wrap my head around the fluid sac thing. That happened on the way home as I was calling everyone.

Which brings up a topic that I feel I want to touch on. Some people have different ideas of when they begin to think of their babies, well, as babies. I really have my own opinion of this and I respect each individuals own opinion so long as my opinion is too respected. That being said, Tom and I both feel that the day we conceive is the day we acknowledge our child. I know sounds intense, but, honestly, our first miscarriage was devastating. The lost of hope and dreams was nothing that I had ever felt before. We knew that at 3 month our baby was at best a kidney bean with buds for limbs, but we had names, nursery ideas, we knew that the baby had Tom's nose and my hair. No, we didn't "know", but we had hopes. When you lose a baby before they are "viable" able to fight for a chance, that is what you have. Hopes, dreams, faith, love. If you make it far enough to lose your baby at birth or early birth, or from a defect...you lose all that and some. Your so close you can see it, touch it, smell it, you never knew what you had lost till then. It compounds the senses. Who ever thought hopes, dreams, faith, love, pain had flavor?

A lot of people say that you should stay mum until your first trimester is over. After all our miscarriages, I can't. We want children too bad, we love them too much, simply the thoughts of them bring us joy.Tom and I have spent almost our whole existence together trying for children, and spending our lives putting our selves in the situation to continue the fight for children. We don't' have a fancy house, great clothes, style, killer decor, we live pay check to paycheck investing every penny and some to fertility treatment. So, as soon as we find out we tell everyone. Yeah there has been a bunch of sad moments and awkward times when we are asked "how's the baby?" but I can't imagine going thorough what we have with out sharing it... sadly many people we have introduced to this roller coaster ride we call our life, have taken the "exit stage left" direction. Miscarriage today is still treated as a plague. "Oh, a miscarriage. Shame." Then many feel that they need to say something prophetic to magically erase your pain. Some and don't be surprised that they may be family, just pretend that they don't know,and won't ask...they do this because through word of mouth, they do know. There is risk in any pregnancy. Rather of your previous ones or single one. Fear can wrap it self around you and pull you right sown to that you couldn't hold your head up if that's the only way you could breath.

Love is tough. As in Corinthians. Love is patient, kind forgiven. What it fails to mention is that it is tough, it can hurt, but in the end it is all love. We can't let fear steal our hope, dreams, our faith our love. Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun? heck, yeah. But,if I'm honest to myself...in the end we will all be where we are supposed to be. God willing.

So, I have totally gotten off topic which is our two little ones.

Lovn' them tonight, hoping that we have 29 great weeks full of positive events. I really need the prayers tonight. We need the prayers.

I pray that they both are looking great, hearts strong, food sacs shrinking and placenta's growing, I pray that the fluid sac is gone if not reduced and there is no blood flow to it. I pray that the pain that I have had this week is only a hernia from the section scar. I just pray that the Lord continues to carry us as he unfolds this wonderful journey and allows us to enjoy the full beauty of having children. I pray that he continues to support my anxiety and ease my knowledge of trauma. Through him all things are possible, and with him we are all we can be.

Till tommorrow.